Magenta
September 19th, 2010, 12:59 PM
Yesterday I was watching the movie Painful Secrets. My cutting has been getting worse and for some reason I thought maybe watching movies/documentaries would help me understand... it sort of helped. However, while the movie was slightly triggering, what hurt most was when the girl's mother started reciting dialogue that my own mother had once said to me. Things like the only way they could help was by leaving, etc... It hurt so much. I guess I shouldn't have watched it but I didn't know that would happen.
Anyway, I ended up in the bathroom. This is not the first time but the worst. I was sitting against the far wall, knees up to my chest, shaking so badly that when I was texting a friend for support, I nearly dropped my phone. I couldn't cry... I was paralyzed... numb but hysterical. I couldn't stop shaking. I had my razor... well, it was definitely the worst I've done yet. I just sat there, watching the blood.
It felt like a couple minutes but I think I was in there anywhere from half an hour to a hour. Afterwards, I was completely numb. I was calm the rest of the night but in a eerie, apathetic way. Today, I feel like shit. Like my feet are too heavy to get me across the room. Last night I had a terrible headache but I would not take anything. I've considered overdosing... but I stay away from pills when I'm upset. One part of me knows I will do it while another part is still trying to keep me safe... for my big sister (actually a really close friend from the UK), for others.
I said I didn't want to talk about it but I told my dad I want to see a therapist. That was one of the hardest things to admit to myself. In a way, I don't want to get better. Cutting helps me cope... I'm used to depression but I know I should get help...
I'm so afraid I'll have another freak out like that. I couldn't even tell if it was a panic attack. I didn't feel scared, just not myself. It was hazy and I have a hard time remembering all of it.
Anyway, I ended up in the bathroom. This is not the first time but the worst. I was sitting against the far wall, knees up to my chest, shaking so badly that when I was texting a friend for support, I nearly dropped my phone. I couldn't cry... I was paralyzed... numb but hysterical. I couldn't stop shaking. I had my razor... well, it was definitely the worst I've done yet. I just sat there, watching the blood.
It felt like a couple minutes but I think I was in there anywhere from half an hour to a hour. Afterwards, I was completely numb. I was calm the rest of the night but in a eerie, apathetic way. Today, I feel like shit. Like my feet are too heavy to get me across the room. Last night I had a terrible headache but I would not take anything. I've considered overdosing... but I stay away from pills when I'm upset. One part of me knows I will do it while another part is still trying to keep me safe... for my big sister (actually a really close friend from the UK), for others.
I said I didn't want to talk about it but I told my dad I want to see a therapist. That was one of the hardest things to admit to myself. In a way, I don't want to get better. Cutting helps me cope... I'm used to depression but I know I should get help...
I'm so afraid I'll have another freak out like that. I couldn't even tell if it was a panic attack. I didn't feel scared, just not myself. It was hazy and I have a hard time remembering all of it.