Elegy

[nick]

Tired and dirty, smelly, cold,
he trod this earth alone,
his overcoat was tied with string
he didnt have a home.

He slept amongst the hedgerows,
or in a shopfront door,
no duvet, sheets or mattress there,
just hard unyielding floor.

Had it always been this way?
No one really knew,
reason said he once was loved
and had a mother too.

What made him choose his lonely path,
to live this sorry way?
What had been the turning point?
For sure no one could say.

At length he found an empty shed
where he could safely hide.
He curled up in the corner there,
and there, unloved, he died.

[TigerLily]

I love you. :heart:

[Obscene Eyedeas]

Try to use more emotive words to catch a readers attention. Otherwise a poem ends up being unoriginal and bland, i think you could change this around a bit

[nick]

Try to use more emotive words to catch a readers attention. Otherwise a poem ends up being unoriginal and bland, i think you could change this around a bit
Fair enough, but its not really about grabbing attention, its about mood and underlying message. I dont mind, though am disappointed in a way, if its bland, but for me its original, its my thoughts.

Thanks for your comments Laura, and I really mean that. Its a personal poem and I like it as it is.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

[QUOTE=nick;1023285]Fair enough, but its not really about grabbing attention, its about mood and underlying message./QUOTE]

As it was posted here i just said id give some advice, its simply that ones mood and underlying message can be portrayed more effectively with more concentrated words