broken.

[1_21Guns]

my stomachs churning, ever yearning
destesting all that is cast its way
rather chew on itself, than whats supposed to be chewed on

my vision feels tampered with, increasingly hazed
judgement fooled by morals themselves,
spacial awareness, simply a thing of yesterday

aching headaches, fucked up dreams,
exausted, broken, restless sleep
never ending nightmares of genuine deciet.

ignorance from those who 'love'
invisable to those who 'care'
tossed around by those who hate.

ever draining, these lives we dare to lead
chances are what make us, and what break us
what's the use in chasing another broken dream?

[Cosmic]

Hey Natalie, great to see a young writer drawing on deep emotion to convey. I've got a few things about this poem where I think you can improve:

- "Detesting all that it cast its way" - do you mean "IS cast its way"?

- "Rather chew on itself" is enough; the rest of the line is redundant. By cutting down your lines and bringing out the meaning through the imagery (rather than excessive language), you can help the flow of your poetry.

- Your second stanza seems largely disjointed. We go from vision ( a very physical state of sensation) to very metaphysical existence with the ideas of "morals" and "judgements". Try and keep on track with what you're trying to convey and don't get overwhelmed by the fact most emotions incorporate more than one aspect of life. You can talk about go physical and metaphysical dilemmas, but do so separately and create a clear distinction. You seem to arbitrarily switch from line to line, and end up within physical territory with the talk of spacial awareness, which is largely irrelevant to the matter at hand ( as far as I can tell, anyway).

- "never ending nightmares of genuine deceit". You've spelt deceit incorrectly, but more importantly I can't help but feel this is simply an incorrect line, because our imagination and subconscious can hardly produce genuine deceit, which is, presumably, purposeful deceit; an intention. The mind beyond our control can surely not be considered as such?

- Stay consistent with your grammar. You've mocked the meaning of "love" and "care" and then neglected to do the same with "hate", which genuinely reads and overly self-indulgent and wreaks of the attitude "I'm so misunderstood". I think by doubting all of those situations, you would've impacted the reader a lot more because you are striking out at something which is largely not struck out against. We tend not to question those that love, care and hate. They just are as they are. So if you are to question these states, do so as a whole. Love and hate are rather close, after all!

- Finally, you seem to have answered your last line with the line before it. "What's the use..."... well, because "chances are what make us". You present an insight, and then question it - and the reader is simply left wandering what you actually think. If you are to do so, it needs to be with intent and purpose, and I fear you never intended such confusion in the first place.

Also, on a side-note... do try and work on your grammar. There's a lot of unnecessary neglect here, including the de capitalisation of the first letter in each line, which is only necessary if you are continuing a line on. Don't be afraid to use full stops to bring the reader to a stop and instantaneously reflect on a statement or just generally bring emphasis to a thought. Commas can also really help flow; so don't forget them!

I apologise if some of my insights seem quite cryptic or simply don't make sense; I've drunk far too much so my coherency has... suffered. :P

Keep up the writing!

[1_21Guns]

- "Detesting all that it cast its way" - do you mean "IS cast its way"?

indeed, thats a typo :P

- "Rather chew on itself" is enough; the rest of the line is redundant. By cutting down your lines and bringing out the meaning through the imagery (rather than excessive language), you can help the flow of your poetry.

- Your second stanza seems largely disjointed. We go from vision ( a very physical state of sensation) to very metaphysical existence with the ideas of "morals" and "judgements". Try and keep on track with what you're trying to convey and don't get overwhelmed by the fact most emotions incorporate more than one aspect of life. You can talk about go physical and metaphysical dilemmas, but do so separately and create a clear distinction. You seem to arbitrarily switch from line to line, and end up within physical territory with the talk of spacial awareness, which is largely irrelevant to the matter at hand ( as far as I can tell, anyway).

- "never ending nightmares of genuine deceit". You've spelt deceit incorrectly, but more importantly I can't help but feel this is simply an incorrect line, because our imagination and subconscious can hardly produce genuine deceit, which is, presumably, purposeful deceit; an intention. The mind beyond our control can surely not be considered as such?

- Stay consistent with your grammar. You've mocked the meaning of "love" and "care" and then neglected to do the same with "hate", which genuinely reads and overly self-indulgent and wreaks of the attitude "I'm so misunderstood". I think by doubting all of those situations, you would've impacted the reader a lot more because you are striking out at something which is largely not struck out against. We tend not to question those that love, care and hate. They just are as they are. So if you are to question these states, do so as a whole. Love and hate are rather close, after all!

mm, this isnt really like how i usually write, it was kinda something that got scribbled down, which in my current confused state resulted in mixed up sentances and confused grammar, usually i'm a grammar nazi XD and i cant spell very well either... hmm. anyway XD

- Finally, you seem to have answered your last line with the line before it. "What's the use..."... well, because "chances are what make us". You present an insight, and then question it - and the reader is simply left wandering what you actually think. If you are to do so, it needs to be with intent and purpose, and I fear you never intended such confusion in the first place.

Also, on a side-note... do try and work on your grammar. There's a lot of unnecessary neglect here, including the de capitalisation of the first letter in each line, which is only necessary if you are continuing a line on. Don't be afraid to use full stops to bring the reader to a stop and instantaneously reflect on a statement or just generally bring emphasis to a thought. Commas can also really help flow; so don't forget them!

I apologise if some of my insights seem quite cryptic or simply don't make sense; I've drunk far too much so my coherency has... suffered. :P

Keep up the writing!

thanks, i'll take this on board, my grammar isnt usually that bad, and i usually have full stops everywhere, but yeah, and commas, wow i really wasnt with it when i wrote that. anyway, thanks again. :)

frankly, reading it through again, whats in there would usually have been 3 seperate things XD