So close...

[thebandgeek]

Hey Im not emo so sorry if i sound like that.
P.S. I didnt make gramatical mistakes. Look at it for a second and youll figure it out.


You make me want to kill myself and kiss you everytime I see you.
But can't because you're out of my league.
Society kills.

You are beautiful (it goes without saying) I want to cry when I see you.
Walking down the halls I see you everyday.
Cant' comprehend

the feelings I have for you, even though I say its no big deal.
But we both know it is.
I'm crazy.

Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'll get a smile, and my whole day will be sunny.
And if I do, you bet I'll return the favor.
Always will.



-For Kourtney.
I'll always be here for you.

[Cosmic]

The "Cant'" should be "Can't" in "cant' comprehend"... there's a grammatical error for you to fix! :P

As for the poetry; it's great that you're drawing on personal emotions and experiences to create; that's the sign of someone really into their craft. But I must say there's some quite conflicting uses of language here, and I feel you've fallen into the trap that many young writers do when they tackle poetry, and that's that you've written far too literally for what is supposed to be a beautifully metaphorical expression of whatever it is you're expressing.

Try and bring our images, and paint a picture in the reader's head. All I feel you've done here is narrate a situation, and that in itself is not particularly exciting or striking to read. If you play with language and attempt to express things in a way the reader isn't used to, you can draw them in.

As for the conflicting language, the first line demonstrates this perfectly:

"you make me want to kill myself" ... That's a rather peculiar way to express romance (which is ultimately what you're writing about) and to then follow that with "and kiss you..." is completely strange, since if you're dead, or wanting to die, why on earth would kissing this girl be a priority?

Ultimately, I think you need to draw attention to the focus of your poetry... in this instance, love. You've picked a difficult and easily cliché emotion to write about, so you have to do your best to demonstrate your situation as one of interest... and that often means standing out and being different.

Stay focussed; you are capable of more than narration. :)

[thebandgeek]

I know i really hated myself after i posted it and re read it. But hey im 14 so dont blame me for bein bad at poetry.:) And yeah i saw that gramatical errors. WHOS AN IDIOT?!?!?!?!?!?!? (me)