The Mountain

[Kahn]

I've always loved adventure stories. Something I've read recently sparked the idea of creating one myself, except more bad ass. That is if you choose the right path of course.

If anyone would like to read page two I am finished with it.

Page 1
The Mountain

You awake to the voice of a bear saying “Welcome comrade”. Wait. What? Did you just say bear? Yes, I fucking did. You roll over and take a look at where you are. The first thing you notice is a rabbit that looks like it was fucked by a crocodile and conceived demons. The second thing you notice is the large bear with a hat. He is standing there talking to you about how you are the greatest thing to ever come to the land of flowers. You ask the bear why the fuck you are here and if he knew anything about what’s going on. He simply responds by saying “The Mountain Kyle!”

What you perceived from this is nothing. Nothing at all. First off, he got your name wrong. And you realized this, the instant he said it. Your real name is Daryl and you have no fucking clue how you ended up in the supposed land of “flowers”. You franticly look around and start believing this is one of your drug induced fantasies bent on making you feel ultra-sad. It's like one of you fantasies but it isn't. Everything is happy and glorious while during your drug fantasies you only see misery and sadness.

Soon you start coming to your senses and realize that this isn’t a dream, and this isn’t some odd fantasy induced by your drugs. You are truly in a land of dancing bears, crocodile rabbits, and singing Twinkies. You stand up and decide that it is time. You actually need to get the fuck out before you turn into one of these “high off love” freaks.

Unfortunately for you there is no way out close to you and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of fruity little animals waiting to greet you. There is only two ways through them. One is to be the fagot and greet all of them with a modest hello. The other is taking the RPG that you happened to have with you and blowing the fuck out of every living thing in site. And that includes the fucked-by-a-crocodile-rabbit.

If you chose to be a pussy and greet everyone with a warm hello, go to page 2 and stay there.

If you chose to earnestly fuck everything up around you and be awesome, go to page 3.

[Kahn]

Page 2

You Pussy

You, as the pussy you are, decided to take the slow and boring choice. You chose to greet each and every animal there starting with the insane, Russian bear that greeted you by screaming “Welcome comrade!” to your face.

You walk up to the towering Russian bear and poke into his fur. It’s furry and warm you almost want to rub against it because you are already turning into one of the flower people. Instead, however, you come to your senses and you poke him harder. This time the Bear turns around with his eyes glistening and a wide smile on his face. He spreads his arms wide as if he is about to attack you, but instead he grabs you and bear hugs you. He kisses you on the face and says “Welcome home, comrade.” You look at him confused with what he has to say and you ask “What do you mean welcome home?” With a joyous, but awesome, face he explains how the land of flowers is everyone’s home and how anyone can come to be a part of the people. He also tells you that there is no government, no jobs, no money, and no ruler. He explains all of this as you stand bored enough to change your decision and kill everyone you see, except you don’t because you’re a pussy and I’m the adventure dictator.

As he drones on about how wonderful the land of flowers is you catch one thing from his flower pride rant. There are only two rules to follow. No harming anyone, and no talking bad about anyone. These seem like rules for middle school students that are forming a club, but to them it is a holy code to live by. Apparently there are hundreds of generations before them, and that everyone seen before you is part of the flower people.

After he is finished explaining everything to you he gives you another bear hug and rustles your hair. Annoyed and finished with your conversation you say goodbye, and he says he loves you. You walk away without responding and he takes this as an insult. As the pussy as flower bear he is he charges after you and rips off your arm. Astonished and distraught you look back to see the flower regime running towards you. You only have two choices. Stand your ground like a bad ass and fight off the fuckers with one arm, or sprint for the woods.

If you chose to redeem your bad assery and grow a pair, go to page 4.

If you chose to continue to be the pussy you are, go to page 5.

[The Madness.]

Wow. One of the actually stories I paid attention to. I actually really liked this.

[Kahn]

Page 3

Make me Proud

As the bad ass you are you pick up the RPG that happened to be lying next to you. Having no clue how to operate the horribly awesome weapon you turn to the bear and yell something inaudible or incoherent at him. He looks at you confused and smiles. You hate him. You hate the look he wears on his face and you hate his fur. You want bear meat for dinner tonight and you want it drizzled in crocodile-rabbit sauce. You want to fucking kill the bear that tried to be friendly. Not only have you now earned a point, but your balls have enlarged so much that you are not mortal anymore.

After thinking about how awesome this will be blowing him up, you slowly stand up and give the ugly bear a hug. He looks in astonishment and giddy surprise as he gladly accepts the hug you gave him. “Aren’t I warm Daryl?” he asks you. “Yes you are, Yogi.” Pushing him away with a manly force, you laugh at him. He’s confused because he doesn’t understand why you called him that. He doesn’t understand humans.

“My name’s not Yogi.” He staggers back. Looking at you confused, he looks at your hands. He now notices the loaded and ready to fire RPG in your head and shrieks like a little girl that had a bad hair day. “I love you!” He shrieks running towards you. You shoot the RPG and chunks of homosexual bear meat fly everywhere. The hundreds of animals all look at you. You decide to run for shelter. There is a hill behind you, so you make use of what you have.

As you run towards the hill you turn around to see a few of the animals that decided to be awesome like you start running towards you. They consist of a Flamingo, Dog, Puma, and Cheeta. The Cheeta, being the fastest, is closest to you. Having already loaded your gun you aim it directly at him and he stops. The only thing going through your head is “I love you Daryl.” The Cheeta explodes with no chunks. There is just blood splattered about.

Seeing that you killed Cheeta, more animals start charging towards you. You are prepared, however, and you have reached the hill. Enlarging your balls once more could kill every animal in the land in an instant, but you have yet to reach that amount of bad assery. You load the weapon quickly and aim again. Right in the middle of the horde is a Buffalo. The only words that go through your head are “I love you Daryl.” The Buffalo explodes, and then sets off a chain reaction. Every animal charging at you was destroyed in a flame of awesome. You picked the right path, and go unharmed.

Now you have a choice. You can leave the hill and go to the forest to make camp and be sheltered in the forest. Or you can stay atop your hill of glory with animal corpses surrounding the perimeter.

If you chose to bask in your breathtaking glory, go to page 6.

If you chose to go somewhere else to massacre innocent animals, go to page 7.

[Brighter.Tomorrow]

It's interesting, but also for this sort of thing, it's a tad long.
The basic options seem to be a mindfuck, choose good get bad, choose bad get good. Hopefully this won't be a pattern, other wise it'll be easy to get through, and over all pointless.
The base idea seems good, but with a story like this can go bad easily, which is something you need to look at and put alot of work into to make it worthwhile, it's off to a quick start which is both good and bad in it's own ways.
So as of right now, it's good and interesting, but don't make it to easy, complication is always fun.

[Kahn]

Page 4

Bad Ass Mother Fucker

Awesome choice. You chose to stand your ground and be a hero for humanity. People will rise shrines for you, and praise you as a martyr. You will influence history for thousands of years past your death and extremist people will attack other people in your name. You will be a holy icon for-.. Oh shit. I forgot you were in the land of the flowers. Dude you’re screwed. Fucking dumb ass

Though you stand your ground like a man, you are quickly overrun. You really thought you could fend off hundreds of animals and a god damn BEAR WITH A FLAILING ARM OF PURE USELESSNESS? We might as well send you on the front lines of our current war and hand you a stick.

You are ripped apart by the masses of aimless animals. They rip of your larger limbs first. It’s like a sick, boner inducing, game to them. First it goes arms, then legs, and then your ears. Yes. They take off your ears before your entire head. They think it is a delicacy, and eat it piece by piece.

Before they take off your head (I decided to let you not go into shock for the fun of it) You scream like a small child. You disgusting fuck. They slowly remove your head and gouge out your eyeballs, which in the land of flowers, are used as marbles. I have no clue how I could make such a peaceful land so horrible inside, but what the fuck. You fucking died. Why? Because you thought a flailing arm could fend off an army of vicious animals. You should be given the Nobel Peace Prize for doing absolutely nothing in a battle.

YOU HAVE DIED