SlightlySane
September 11th, 2010, 08:36 PM
Let me tell you about what happened after the first day I told her. I came home from school and she informed me that we needed to have a talk. So, we sat down and she took a deep breathe and said, “I need to be honest with you. I am not one bit ok with this. This is not what god wanted for anyone. I can’t believe that this has happened to me, I knew it was coming but I wished it wouldn’t have. I kind of wished you would have gone through high school before telling me. I really just wish that I could wake up from this horrible nightmare. She told me that she didn’t want me to tell my brother or my dad yet. “Your brother doesn’t need to deal with the stress of being known as the kid with ‘the older brother who is a fag’ he already deals with enough crap from kids. I’m not sure how your dad will handle it, but you need to wait till football season is over so he isn’t so stressed at work (my dad works for a television station that covers the OSU football games). I don’t want you telling a lot of people till you’re out of high school, you don’t understand what this means. At least once in your life you will get the crap beaten out of you and you are 100 times more likely to contract HIV or an STD. People will judge you and me. They’ll say that it’s the fault of your dad and I. You won’t be able to get married unless more states make it legal, and without a serogate mother, you can’t have kids on your own. Maybe this is still hormones, I’m not sure, and I hope it is. I hope that you’re just confused and that you’ll find a girl who you really like and you’ll give her a chance. I don’t love you any less, but I’m disappointed that this has happened.”
At this point I had frozen and starring into space. There aren’t words to describe the pain when a parent tells you that they don’t accept who you are. “I don’t know what to do Ryne.” After that point I started crying very hard. “I don’t think you even fully accept yourself yet.” I don’t understand how she could think this considering I had just gotten the courage to tell her.
“I don’t feel like it’s a problem, I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I feel like it isn’t a bad thing, a problem, something wrong with me, or even something wrong at all. It’s me, I’m gay, but I’m Ryne. I’m not that gay kid, I’m not going to make a coming out video or announce to facebook I’m gay. I am though, I’m gay, that just isn’t what makes me, me. I feel like if I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t be the kind of person I am though. It drives me to be the best at anything I do. I don’t want it to make me seem week, so I do everything I can be to be strong. I don’t like feeling like ‘one of those kids’ the ones who everyone looks at and thanks God it’s not there kid. I lost my license for 6 months, I was one of those kids… Now I’m telling you I’m gay, and you make me feel like one of those kids. I know I can’t have kids of my own, and that this is going to make my life harder. I want to help other people though, and I feel like that makes me a good enough person that even if I’m condemed by God, maybe by doing nursing and working so hard I’d still be accepting. I feel like I’m a good person, that I do my best to help other, that it doesn’t matter that I’m gay because it doesn’t make me less of who I am.”
It took me a while to calm down. I’m sure there was much more to all of that I just can’t remember it. She talking about how upsetting it is that she defended me from people who said I was gay and she fought to tell them I’m not, one of them being my grandpa. I felt attacked, hurt, heart broken, and like dirt. I felt like everything I’ve done to make her proud was thrown out the window. I was thankful to hear that our family counselor, who I will be starting to see soon, is on my side and believes that she is over reacting. I’m hoping to get some help through that. She agreed that I could still see James, my boyfriend, even though at first her reactions were to never let me near him again. To hear that almost killed me, just the day before she said she was going to support me on what I decided. That if I was happy she knew that she should be by my side.
Over all I’m just glad she is letting me be who I am. I’m not happy about having to wait till high school is over to come out, but I plan on working to change that. Coming out to my mom is harder than anything I’ve ever face. I’ll remember the look on her face forever. It was the most freeing moment of my life, as well as one that made me feel trapped in a cage that is way too small. It is not something I ever would have done without my boyfriend who is treating me so well. I wouldn’t have done it without the support of my friend. It isn’t something that should be done because you “think” you are ready, you have to know you are. You have to make sure that you can handle the possibility of you parents seeing you in different eyes for the rest of your life.
There will always be a place where I am hurt because of the things she said. These things are the reason that we need to have time to think from another persons view before we speak. While talking to her I was careful not to upset her, I let her interupt me without question, I agreed to her and explained things I may not have agreed with. I’ve been crying each night since I told her, because I can’t forget what it felt like to have my own mother say those things. I felt so disconnected from her.
When someone needs your support for something, please don’t take it lightly. My friends acted like it was nothing, simple, and I felt alone. Sadly it was the people that I only knew from online who truly gave me the kind of support I needed. Don’t brush it off, any problem that a friend has is a problem that needs help. When coming out I didn’t have a friend I could go hug, call, or ask for comfort. I had my boyfriend (sadly he lives an hour away), my cell phone, and my computer. Technology doesn’t have arms. Please be there to give support for your friends in need.
I’ll never regret telling my mother though, because I’m not ashamed to love somebody.
At this point I had frozen and starring into space. There aren’t words to describe the pain when a parent tells you that they don’t accept who you are. “I don’t know what to do Ryne.” After that point I started crying very hard. “I don’t think you even fully accept yourself yet.” I don’t understand how she could think this considering I had just gotten the courage to tell her.
“I don’t feel like it’s a problem, I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I feel like it isn’t a bad thing, a problem, something wrong with me, or even something wrong at all. It’s me, I’m gay, but I’m Ryne. I’m not that gay kid, I’m not going to make a coming out video or announce to facebook I’m gay. I am though, I’m gay, that just isn’t what makes me, me. I feel like if I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t be the kind of person I am though. It drives me to be the best at anything I do. I don’t want it to make me seem week, so I do everything I can be to be strong. I don’t like feeling like ‘one of those kids’ the ones who everyone looks at and thanks God it’s not there kid. I lost my license for 6 months, I was one of those kids… Now I’m telling you I’m gay, and you make me feel like one of those kids. I know I can’t have kids of my own, and that this is going to make my life harder. I want to help other people though, and I feel like that makes me a good enough person that even if I’m condemed by God, maybe by doing nursing and working so hard I’d still be accepting. I feel like I’m a good person, that I do my best to help other, that it doesn’t matter that I’m gay because it doesn’t make me less of who I am.”
It took me a while to calm down. I’m sure there was much more to all of that I just can’t remember it. She talking about how upsetting it is that she defended me from people who said I was gay and she fought to tell them I’m not, one of them being my grandpa. I felt attacked, hurt, heart broken, and like dirt. I felt like everything I’ve done to make her proud was thrown out the window. I was thankful to hear that our family counselor, who I will be starting to see soon, is on my side and believes that she is over reacting. I’m hoping to get some help through that. She agreed that I could still see James, my boyfriend, even though at first her reactions were to never let me near him again. To hear that almost killed me, just the day before she said she was going to support me on what I decided. That if I was happy she knew that she should be by my side.
Over all I’m just glad she is letting me be who I am. I’m not happy about having to wait till high school is over to come out, but I plan on working to change that. Coming out to my mom is harder than anything I’ve ever face. I’ll remember the look on her face forever. It was the most freeing moment of my life, as well as one that made me feel trapped in a cage that is way too small. It is not something I ever would have done without my boyfriend who is treating me so well. I wouldn’t have done it without the support of my friend. It isn’t something that should be done because you “think” you are ready, you have to know you are. You have to make sure that you can handle the possibility of you parents seeing you in different eyes for the rest of your life.
There will always be a place where I am hurt because of the things she said. These things are the reason that we need to have time to think from another persons view before we speak. While talking to her I was careful not to upset her, I let her interupt me without question, I agreed to her and explained things I may not have agreed with. I’ve been crying each night since I told her, because I can’t forget what it felt like to have my own mother say those things. I felt so disconnected from her.
When someone needs your support for something, please don’t take it lightly. My friends acted like it was nothing, simple, and I felt alone. Sadly it was the people that I only knew from online who truly gave me the kind of support I needed. Don’t brush it off, any problem that a friend has is a problem that needs help. When coming out I didn’t have a friend I could go hug, call, or ask for comfort. I had my boyfriend (sadly he lives an hour away), my cell phone, and my computer. Technology doesn’t have arms. Please be there to give support for your friends in need.
I’ll never regret telling my mother though, because I’m not ashamed to love somebody.