The art of getting girls, one at which I fail, and I'd like help.

[Jean Poutine]

Hey. Lately I've been going around, trying to get myself a girlfriend, and why not, some friends, yet while I used to believe I had almost all the tools (except socialness), I've realised this is strangely not the case.

Now, I'm trying to kick myself in the butt and being nice to people, for once, so being evil is not the cause of my torments (in fact I've got a few dates! But they all flopped :( ). I just feel the years moved while I didn't. I'm still stuck in the 40s. Here's my usual date behaviour, maybe you can point out stuff that hurts instead of helping or give tips or something.

I'm a very old school guy by nature. Like I said in my introduction, I believe in gallantry and courtesy, and while I do not directly approach people or seek contacts with them (usually), holding a door for a girl is something I do at least 20 times every day (only to be thanked by half that number, but that's another story). Yet I feel girls find this kind of thing strangely distasteful. Same thing with pulling/pushing chairs, et caetera. Did all of this fall out of fashion or something?

Another thing, girls find me a little weird because I still kiss hands upon a first date/meeting. I think it's a mark of respect, since it involves kneeling before her and all that nice, symbolic stuff, but they seem to think otherwise >_>

I tend to always want to pay for a girl's part when/if go eat somewhere, and so, I propose that we take it all on me. However, I HATE it when they insist to pay their part. I tend to lose my nerve, stop to argue and let them pay, but then apparently I've had some of them believe I'm not interested in them because I didn't insist to pay or something. What's the correct behaviour in this case? I remind you I'm not a big fan of Dutch dates.

Now about apparance...I usually do not gel my hair, I never sport any beard when going on a date, and I'm always well-dressed (if not sometimes downright snob-looking). I don't think I'm very ugly either (just a little). My shoes are always shiny, my clothes are impeccable, I have good table manners so I don't pass as a pig...but all of this seems kind of futile, to be honest. It's as if girls would want me to dress down to a T-shirt and battered jeans and bring them to Mikey D's and eat double cheeseburgers. I could do that.

Personality, everything is a-OK, I believe. I'm just myself, not very talkative but not savage. If she finds a topic that I like, I WILL talk and argue and enjoy the ride. However, don't count on me to initiate convos. I don't like smalltalk, but I am knowledgeable on a variety of topics (thank you seclusion). If we were to talk about North Korea for example, I'd talk and argue about politics until there's nothing left to say on the subject. However, if she goes and talk about umm fashion or clothes or TV shows (don't watch much TV), I tend to spazz out and just reply with "yeah" or "sure" or "naw" or stuff along those lines. Sometimes, if I'm feeling generous, I'll try to reorient the conversation to something more fascinating.

I'm a good, romantic guy by nature. I do not have to force myself to think about stuff that could be romantic : I just do it. I can bring flowers out of the blue, buy her stuff she likes in a snap if we ever walk through a store, and so on. However, girls seem to think I'm just trying hard to be sweet, while in reality I'm not even trying and I don't want to restrain myself either, else I'd just feel bad :(

About physical contact...I don't pressure them to do anything, that's not my style. If they want to kiss me, they will (total = 0 :D), or hug me (total = 1 :O), they will too. I don't like to pass off as Rico Suave, so I never try to get them without their consent (such as the huge cliché "yaaawwwn" to get your hand on her shoulders). I tend to ask before doing something (it never happened to me yet (didn't feel like when they obviously weren't into me), but I'm the kind of guy that goes "I feel like kissing you" instead of doing it right away).

Anyway, I believe that's about it. If you think I have stuff I should change, improve on, just tips or you feel like commenting (or telling me how you would react to me if you're a girl ;D), feel free to.

And thanks in advance!

[Jean Poutine]

Just be yourself. Don't change who you are. Eventually a girl will come along and like you for who you are. You dont seem to do anything distasteful, so don't change a thing. Just be yourself. Dates will flop. That's life. All you can do is wait for the right one to come along.
I hope so. Let's pray there's girls stuck in the 40s too?

[schrei jess]

Wow you are SUCH a gentleman! That is great, it really is. Now, girls should appreciate what you do, I know I would. But maybe you're coming on a little too strong, even though you want the opposite of that.

Okay the door thing is very nice, I love that and I always say thanks (and I really hate it when a woman holds open a door for a man and he says nothing, that is just RUDE).

On the paying situation, just go ahead and assume you'll pay for her but if she starts to pay for herself, you could say something like, "Dont worry about it, I want you pay for you". Maybe they think you're just saying you'll pay to be nice or whatever but if you let them know that you want to, they'll be less insistant on paying. But if she really wants to, just go ahead and let her. And when you go thru stores with them, dont just jump right up and buy them everything they like, if they mention something they really like, you could secretly buy it and give it to her as a gift at the end of the date or on your next date with her, because I can see how you might seem like you're trying to buy your way to her heart.

And you're doing a good job with asking before just doing on the physical stuff. But maybe dont do the hand thing? Personally I do think it is very old fashion, but if that is your true style, keep doing it, no harm really. And not all girls will kiss you or hug you if they want to, we're shy too! If you get to a point where things are going really well and she seems to be into you as much as you are, a quick kiss on the cheek wouldnt do much harm, would it? But if you dont feel comfortable doing it, keep doing it your way :)

Hope that helped.

[Jean Poutine]

Awesome, thanks for the help. I'm happy to see there's still girls that appreciate some rugged courtesy, I was kinda beggining to lose hope, to be honest. I agree with you, I don't like it when girls do not thank me, so I tend to avoid doing the same, and I always thank girls when they do that for me.

So I should stop getting my wallet out so easily? I guess it does seem like I'm trying to buy her out, which is something I TOTALLY don't want to do >_< It'll be a little hard to resist the impulses, but I'll try to, lawl.

Is there is any tricks to lessen shyness? My heart tends to beat at like 150/min when I'm trying to ask a girl out or even compliment one. I've never really lost it, but it has come close.

[schrei jess]

Now Im not one to really talk about being confident, I certainly am not, but I can help you.

When you're about to ask a girl out, think about only the task at hand (asking her out :P). Try to stay simple and say something like, "Hey ____ , I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go to dinner with me this friday?" See that's all it really takes. Dont try to plan what you will say before, because when the time comes you might forget what you wanted to say, so just stick to a simple invitation nothing more So there's two things she can say, right? Yes or No. If she says yes, great! But if she says no, it isnt the end of the world, and you should not take it personally.

If you get nervous while you are on the date, remember that she is probably just as nervous. If you think too hard or try really hard to plan everything out, you'll probably be worse off, just let the date flow and take a natural course. If you do get extremely nervous, you can always excuse yourself and go the restroom wash of your face and calm down for a minute.

[Jean Poutine]

Thanks a bunch, I'll try that right this week, I think. I've never really talked much to people, and now that I'm forcing myself to do it, I find it is much, much harder than I thought it was, and wow, especially saying nice stuff to girls :X

I never plan or force anything in dates. True to my personal experience with oral productions, I find it is MUCH easier if I go around improvising everything.

Anyway, thanks again :)

[epsilonrevolution]

Please don't take offence but I think that your system of treating women actually offends them more than turning them on. I open most doors for my girlfriend but I don't go much further than that. I think the hand kissing would make most girls I know feel uncomfortable. I also think you would find your life alot better if you tried going dutch on dates.

[goldenfox]

i know this is an old post but w/e

this has worked for me all the girls i have gone out with love gifts they think its sweet so what i do on likr the 2nd. 3rd, or 4th dat i buy a bunch of little gifts and all during the date i give anouther one with out saying anything and they love it but i have one big gift i know they really want i give at the end of the date i usually only do this near holidays or their b-day and the hand kissing thing u dont have to get on ur knees or anything trust me im alot like you when it comes to stuff like that and i found a girl so you will to

[iluvlamp1414]

i couldnt read that whole thing. its too long. but i dont see anything wrong with the way you act. i would keep it up and a nice lady will like ya.

[pinocytosis]

Hey. Lately I've been going around, trying to get myself a girlfriend, and why not, some friends, yet while I used to believe I had almost all the tools (except socialness), I've realised this is strangely not the case.

Now, I'm trying to kick myself in the butt and being nice to people, for once, so being evil is not the cause of my torments (in fact I've got a few dates! But they all flopped :( ). I just feel the years moved while I didn't. I'm still stuck in the 40s. Here's my usual date behaviour, maybe you can point out stuff that hurts instead of helping or give tips or something.

I'm a very old school guy by nature. Like I said in my introduction, I believe in gallantry and courtesy, and while I do not directly approach people or seek contacts with them (usually), holding a door for a girl is something I do at least 20 times every day (only to be thanked by half that number, but that's another story). Yet I feel girls find this kind of thing strangely distasteful. Same thing with pulling/pushing chairs, et caetera. Did all of this fall out of fashion or something?

Another thing, girls find me a little weird because I still kiss hands upon a first date/meeting. I think it's a mark of respect, since it involves kneeling before her and all that nice, symbolic stuff, but they seem to think otherwise >_>

I tend to always want to pay for a girl's part when/if go eat somewhere, and so, I propose that we take it all on me. However, I HATE it when they insist to pay their part. I tend to lose my nerve, stop to argue and let them pay, but then apparently I've had some of them believe I'm not interested in them because I didn't insist to pay or something. What's the correct behaviour in this case? I remind you I'm not a big fan of Dutch dates.

Now about apparance...I usually do not gel my hair, I never sport any beard when going on a date, and I'm always well-dressed (if not sometimes downright snob-looking). I don't think I'm very ugly either (just a little). My shoes are always shiny, my clothes are impeccable, I have good table manners so I don't pass as a pig...but all of this seems kind of futile, to be honest. It's as if girls would want me to dress down to a T-shirt and battered jeans and bring them to Mikey D's and eat double cheeseburgers. I could do that.

Personality, everything is a-OK, I believe. I'm just myself, not very talkative but not savage. If she finds a topic that I like, I WILL talk and argue and enjoy the ride. However, don't count on me to initiate convos. I don't like smalltalk, but I am knowledgeable on a variety of topics (thank you seclusion). If we were to talk about North Korea for example, I'd talk and argue about politics until there's nothing left to say on the subject. However, if she goes and talk about umm fashion or clothes or TV shows (don't watch much TV), I tend to spazz out and just reply with "yeah" or "sure" or "naw" or stuff along those lines. Sometimes, if I'm feeling generous, I'll try to reorient the conversation to something more fascinating.

I'm a good, romantic guy by nature. I do not have to force myself to think about stuff that could be romantic : I just do it. I can bring flowers out of the blue, buy her stuff she likes in a snap if we ever walk through a store, and so on. However, girls seem to think I'm just trying hard to be sweet, while in reality I'm not even trying and I don't want to restrain myself either, else I'd just feel bad :(

About physical contact...I don't pressure them to do anything, that's not my style. If they want to kiss me, they will (total = 0 :D), or hug me (total = 1 :O), they will too. I don't like to pass off as Rico Suave, so I never try to get them without their consent (such as the huge cliché "yaaawwwn" to get your hand on her shoulders). I tend to ask before doing something (it never happened to me yet (didn't feel like when they obviously weren't into me), but I'm the kind of guy that goes "I feel like kissing you" instead of doing it right away).

Anyway, I believe that's about it. If you think I have stuff I should change, improve on, just tips or you feel like commenting (or telling me how you would react to me if you're a girl ;D), feel free to.

And thanks in advance!

I've had that problem, though I'm not quite as much a gentleman as you. I see it as "Girls don't want nice guys, women of late twenties or early 30's want nice guys." They're just after the next person to get into the sack and move on (I'm not saying ALL do it just a good few from my experience so don't message me saying "you women hating bastard")

[iluvlamp1414]

wow that was a huge post :eek: