Help.

[Wish]

I don't really want to post this but I don't know what else to do. I feel so rotten all the time and I can't take it. I went to the psychologist for the second time today and couldn't say much at all. He probably got very frustrated with me. The whole time I was zoning in and out, my head was buzzing because I had overdosed a little about half an hour before. Now I have extreme stomach pains but I don't know why I'm complaining. I have to go out tonight. I'd planned to be ill like this, tomorrow is a year since I overdosed and ended up in hospital. I need to be dazed out so I don't have to cope with it.

I just don't know how to get the help I need. Everything hurts me, everything. My sensitivity levels are more extreme now than they ever were. I feel so hopeless, nothing seems to want to get better. The harder I try, the more I seem to work against myself. How can I get better if I'm not deserving of this? I always say I waste people's time but I do still talk sometimes... so I suppose that people don't believe I really feel like this. I realised today that every time I talk to someone I hurt myself, so not being worth support is a real feeling for me. Getting better involves believing that you're worth something, it involves truly being worth something. I guess that what I'm asking is that, if you aren't worth anything (kindly put) then what hope is there?

If I'm not careful I'm going to end up causing myself an uncontrollable amount of harm, or at least long-term discomfort. I mean, I know I'm the one in charge of the impulses but I'm so useless to fight them now. I'm too tired, exhausted with all of this and honestly, I really, really don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

[Scarface]

:hug3:
Well first of all as much as you would like to convince yourself that you're not worth it, you really truly are. I know that feeling of thinking that I don't deserve the support. I don't deserve to feel better. I don't deserve to be happy. I just kept convincing myself that this was the end. This was the way I was meant to live. Miserably. Alone. Slowly dying. Pushing everyone away and backing down into my endless abyss of thoughts, reminiscing of the past wanting to be free, but thinking no one could help me.

The truth is Annabelle, and please try to hear me out. Everyone, including you deserves help and support and someone to talk to. You don't have to think that you're helpless and all alone because you're really not. You don't have to think about the past anymore. You don't have to sit in that pit and think about everything that's getting you down right now. Utilize the psychologist because even though they can ramble on sometimes, they really want to help you and you definitely deserve it. Don't let anything in the past that's happened hold you back from doing the things that make you happy or moving forward.

I know the feeling of exhaustion, ready to give up, numbness. Just all of the emotional distress pondering inside your head, infested with negativity. Though it's so wonderful you came here to talk as it's a great start to try and open up. To reach out. You do deserve a support system. You deserve to be happy Annabelle, please trust me. Things are going to get better for you, just don't give in, don't give up, because it's really worth it.... It's really worth it to continue the fight because the rewards of perseverance are endless.

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here VM me anytime.

[tombstone]

You are worth something, dont think otherwise. Your psychologist is there for the soul reason of helping you. He is not going to judge you based on what you tell him. You should make the most of the time you spend with him, telling him your problems etc. He is in a much better position to put you on the road to recovery than any of us on here.

The fact you have posted on here means you are after help, and after reading your post i get the feeling you don't want to cause your self "an uncontrollable amount of harm". The best way of preventing this is to resolve the problem, not get dazed and avoid it.

I hope i don't cause you any more confusion or pain, but you say you are in charge of the impulses but also say "I'm so useless to fight them now". To me that doesn't sound like your in charge of them. As much as i would like to think i can control my impulses, i can't.

I's been a few days since you posted, how are you doing?