doesn't make any sense.

[georgiamay]

I don't want to do any of this anymore, I can't take it, I just want it all to stop.
I don't even know what I'm talking about, how pathetic is that?
I don't want to wake up every morning, having a perfectly normal day, getting back up to my room and breaking down. Sometimes I don't even cry. They're the times when I need the release the most. All of the nights where I do cry, I don't need to, I just cry and cry and cry until there are no tears left, and I'm just a curled up mess in the middle of the floor/bed (It depends how far into my room I get before breaking down). The times when I don't cry, I always feel the worst.
I sit on my bed just staring at the wall. I feel angry, helpless, depressed, and a load of other emotions I don't know how to explain, and I doubt they have a name.
They're the nights when I get the strongest urges to cut, because crying is at least some kind of release. I don't even have that. All i feel like doing on them nights is grabbing my razor and dragging it along every bit of skin I can reach.
I don't even know why I'm telling people this, whoever has bothered to read it.
I just need to get it out, or I might fuck up tonight.
I don't want to face another night, and I don't want to face all the days I have to go through, but i have to. I won't kill myself, I know that much. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

I don't get it, there's nothing in particular that's wrong with my life, I just get flashbacks at night from when I used to have a reason to be depressed, and I think about things way too much for my own good.
I can't deal with the flashback, they seem so real, and I hate them. I can't get rid of them. Cutting used to work, but I don't want to fall back into that shit hole again.

There is no point in this thread, sorry for wasting your time. I just needed to get it out. I'm not sure what, but 'it'.

[TigerLily]

I read the whole thing Georgia, and you haven't wasted my time, at all, not by a second :)

I don't know what practical advice I can offer you that you probably haven't heard a thousand times over, and I won't patronize you by saying what a bad idea cutting is, because you know that. We don't cut because we think it will solve our problems, it's a lot more complicated than that. But you can overcome that, and I've seen your posts in the non-sh calendar enough to know that you certainly have the strength to beat this, as you already are doing :) A setback doesn't discredit any of the progress you've made up to that point, don't ever think that.

Don't be afraid to cry, or call yourself "pathetic". Sometimes we need to deal with emotions, no matter how 'old' they are; while not by any means defining us, our past does effect us, so don't feel weak in any way for recognizing that. However, your past definitely does not dictate your future.. your future is full of hope, always, never forget that :)

I do think you might benefit from talking about the past if it's bothering you to this degree now, perhaps with a counsellor if you have one, or a trusted friend, or even any of us here on VT, myself included even if we've never really spoke :P We're all here to help :)

I hope this helped, sorry for the rambling :P Take care =]

[welcome_to_chaos]

This was definity not a waste of my time and im glad u posted it. i think u really need to see someone a concelor a theripist. anyone. we all care bout u and dont want u hurting like this. understand that. we all go through stuff like this but thru pro help it becomes a lot easier to handle. i hope u feel better..i have no clue if this helped but it was something i needed to say <3