Should I...?

[Magenta]

So a couple of you may recognize me from the cutting and self harm section. I shared my story there so you may want to see that if you want more background information. (Btw, Mods, I was unsure of where to post this so move at will.)

Recently I have been unable to function properly without dwelling on the events my mother scarred me with. I spent hours trying to dig through immediately repressed memories and FaceBook posts to see if I could find out the date of events; February 3rd, 2010, although my success has done nothing to ease my emotions like I thought it might.

My father, legally, must encourage me to see her else she can say he's keeping me away from her in court. While this is unlikely at this point, I took one suggestion to heart: maybe going out for lunch with my mum.

I just can't bring myself to do it. I mean, she threatened to kill herself to make -me- happy. She could have killed me, when I really think about it and the memory of being frozen in the kitchen haunts me. Every time I think about her, I get two flashes: a hug from her as a child and the image of her pulling the knife out of the cutting block.

I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it, even in a public place. Recently, she's been messaging me and saying she loves me and misses me and has even offered to sell me her old laptop since she heard I was looking for a new one. It feels like a bribe. She's always been manipulative until I get along with her again.

One thing is for sure: I am never living with her again. However, a friend I talk to gave me her honest advice not to see my mother again. I agree. I don't want to get hurt more than I already have. Yet something is nagging me... the feeling that if I don't go, I will never have the chance to say goodbye to my mother. She may have done some horrible things and as much as I hate her, her daughter still loves her.

I should really stop dwelling on it. As insensitive as this is to people who have lost parents and would give anything to have them back (and I am so sorry for saying this), sometimes I wish she were dead or something because there would be no chance of her and I making amends and it would save me the stress.

I don't know...

[Aspiringanonymous]

I don't understand attachments, and my parents to me are just adult mentor roles, no more. They have a legal obligation to financially help me out and everything, but that's just law. Taking responsibility for dragging an innocent soul into the world without their consent. And maybe this too is offensive to people whom have all that love for their family which I do not understand, but I simply don't, and that's that. Everyone is different. I respect and admire them, especially my dad, but if he dosen't want to be close to me anymore then I'm also able to respect that completely. And following from all that, if anyone - no matter what their relationship is to me in any respect (blood ties, legalities, etc) - is a danger to my own well-being, then I will not have anything to do with them as it dosen't make sense to. Being defenseless against manipulation is very unhealthy, of course.

Anyway, the point is, you must seek guidance from your own values and principles. Those that dwell in your rational mind, that is; the ones that can be clearly defended with existing logic. Listen to your intuition, too. If it senses that a seemingly harmless meeting might not turn out so harmless after all, chances are there is truth to the message.

If you choose, choose wisely, and be prepared to stay loyal to the decision. If you are confused, then take time and seek first for clarity of mind before tackling the situation. May you find strength and guidance. :hug3: