georgiamay
September 1st, 2010, 04:15 AM
I can't believe this is happening now. I just want to remember what it feels like. A few stupid little comments from my step mum and I was shaking. I was physically shaking. I don’t even know why, but last night when the internet cut off, I broke down. I searched my room, and I couldn’t find anything sharp enough, and I’d left my straighteners at my mums so I couldn’t do anyting. Now I realise that was a good thing, but I keep feeling the need to go downstairs and grab a knife.
But seriously, it's been 76 days, and its too long. I just want to remember. My mind keeps flicking back to when i did it before, and how relieved I was, and the flashbacks from the past, of my mum passed out on the bathroom floor, I just don't want it anymore. It's like if i do it this once, everything will be better.
But I know it won’t! I want it to be, but I know it won't.
What's happening to me? I was doing so well, the urges had been getting better, and then, bang, they hit me, and all I want to do is fall back, but I keep fighting. I don't want to fight, I want to give up. But I don’t at the same time.
It's only a matter of time. I need this. But I know I don't, I know it's all in my head. But how can something that's only in my head be so strong? If I do it, all the feelings and the flashbacks I get everytime i close my eyes will be gone. Even if just for a few seconds. It will be worth it. But I know I'll regret it.
Why do I keep doing this? I must have gone through this battle a thousand times already, and each time I've lost. I just want to cut. So deep that everything inside me bleeds out and there's nothing left.
This is fucking torture.
Nothing in my head makes sense to me anymore.
I can’t even go a full hour without thinking about hurting myself, and thinking of methods. I just want to do it just that once, just to give me some release. But I know it won’t be just one, I’ll want to do it again and again and again.
Why do I do this? I’m so pathetic that I don’t even understand what I’m going on about.
All I know is that I want to cut or burn, or something like that.
That’s all I know anymore.
But seriously, it's been 76 days, and its too long. I just want to remember. My mind keeps flicking back to when i did it before, and how relieved I was, and the flashbacks from the past, of my mum passed out on the bathroom floor, I just don't want it anymore. It's like if i do it this once, everything will be better.
But I know it won’t! I want it to be, but I know it won't.
What's happening to me? I was doing so well, the urges had been getting better, and then, bang, they hit me, and all I want to do is fall back, but I keep fighting. I don't want to fight, I want to give up. But I don’t at the same time.
It's only a matter of time. I need this. But I know I don't, I know it's all in my head. But how can something that's only in my head be so strong? If I do it, all the feelings and the flashbacks I get everytime i close my eyes will be gone. Even if just for a few seconds. It will be worth it. But I know I'll regret it.
Why do I keep doing this? I must have gone through this battle a thousand times already, and each time I've lost. I just want to cut. So deep that everything inside me bleeds out and there's nothing left.
This is fucking torture.
Nothing in my head makes sense to me anymore.
I can’t even go a full hour without thinking about hurting myself, and thinking of methods. I just want to do it just that once, just to give me some release. But I know it won’t be just one, I’ll want to do it again and again and again.
Why do I do this? I’m so pathetic that I don’t even understand what I’m going on about.
All I know is that I want to cut or burn, or something like that.
That’s all I know anymore.