Painted_Indian_Horse
August 31st, 2010, 08:22 PM
i don't know if this will be long, but hang in there. it might be a doozie.
so i just started school back. i've been back for 2 weeks. my anxiety is worse than it ever has been. i am constantly in either a half-asleep state, or my heart is about to fly out of my chest. i'm usually sleepy in my classes(no surprise, they're easy as fuck), and anxious when i shouldn't be.
i have court-ordered community service hours hanging over my head that are due soon, and i don't have a lot of time to do them, so that gets my heart pumping. i am so afraid i'm not gonna send my hours to the court in time. right now, just thinking about it is making me nauseous. that's another thing. i have been constantly nauseous, and not hungry. then, when i don't eat, i end up starving and binge. then i feel gross and fat and hate myself.
i have tried to starve myself on multiple occasions, but, like i said, i end up bingeing.
i have dysthymia, which is a form of drug-resistant-ish depression, and i'm on medication for it. but the meds are also supposed to help with my anxiety, which has a whole list of causes, and they haven't been doing that sufficiently, in my opinion. so i'm constantly anxious and it keeps me from focusing which makes me more anxious cause i can't focus on my work and get it done. then it won't be done and i'll fall behind and fail at life cause it's my junior year at high school. it's the toughest and most important year.
i could just scream right now. run out onto my dock and scream at the sky and the neighbors and water. but then i would have to explain myself.
i have also started cutting again as a break from the anxiety and stress. it calms me down a bit. but then i stress about hiding the scars. i'm also running out of easily covered places to actually cut, which sucks.
i have to take stuff as needed for insomnia, and it's been needed a lot lately. i have trouble sleeping and weird dreams. the only time i can function without all of this hanging over my head is when i'm completely distracted, which is rare.
ALSO, i'm getting a new horse this weekend. but he can't be kept at our current stable cause it's full so i have to board him at the place across the street. so every morning before school i'll have to wake up to clean his stall and feed him and then go out right after school to train him and clean him and all that.
some of you may be wondering, why would i take this on at this point? well, you see, this horse would have been slaughtered if i hadn't come to his rescue. and he isn't a bad horse, he's just young and nobody wants to give him the time of day. and it's not like i regret this decision, it's just gonna be difficult for a while until we can move him in with my other horse.
anything else? oh yeah, my parents are getting divorced. my mom and my step-dad. it's the second one i've been through, except i'll remember it vividly, unlike my parents when i was 4. and my step-dad's an abusive douche who wants my mom to pay him a shitload of money, even though he's a successful contractor or something and he has plenty of cash. i also kinda pissed at my mom for putting herself in all these situations. how many times is she gonna marry a guy because of a kid? i hope two-for-two is enough to show her it doesn't work.
well, at least she has her 27 year old boyfriend from Philly, right? GGRRREEEAATT......
phew, that was long and drawn out, but there ya go.
if you read all that, i will give you a virtual bear hug :yes: i just needed to write that down...
oh, and my step-dad just came in my room and saw the towel in my bathroom covered in dried blood and said i was disgusting. thank god he assumed it was from my period. that saves me a lot of explaining.
so i just started school back. i've been back for 2 weeks. my anxiety is worse than it ever has been. i am constantly in either a half-asleep state, or my heart is about to fly out of my chest. i'm usually sleepy in my classes(no surprise, they're easy as fuck), and anxious when i shouldn't be.
i have court-ordered community service hours hanging over my head that are due soon, and i don't have a lot of time to do them, so that gets my heart pumping. i am so afraid i'm not gonna send my hours to the court in time. right now, just thinking about it is making me nauseous. that's another thing. i have been constantly nauseous, and not hungry. then, when i don't eat, i end up starving and binge. then i feel gross and fat and hate myself.
i have tried to starve myself on multiple occasions, but, like i said, i end up bingeing.
i have dysthymia, which is a form of drug-resistant-ish depression, and i'm on medication for it. but the meds are also supposed to help with my anxiety, which has a whole list of causes, and they haven't been doing that sufficiently, in my opinion. so i'm constantly anxious and it keeps me from focusing which makes me more anxious cause i can't focus on my work and get it done. then it won't be done and i'll fall behind and fail at life cause it's my junior year at high school. it's the toughest and most important year.
i could just scream right now. run out onto my dock and scream at the sky and the neighbors and water. but then i would have to explain myself.
i have also started cutting again as a break from the anxiety and stress. it calms me down a bit. but then i stress about hiding the scars. i'm also running out of easily covered places to actually cut, which sucks.
i have to take stuff as needed for insomnia, and it's been needed a lot lately. i have trouble sleeping and weird dreams. the only time i can function without all of this hanging over my head is when i'm completely distracted, which is rare.
ALSO, i'm getting a new horse this weekend. but he can't be kept at our current stable cause it's full so i have to board him at the place across the street. so every morning before school i'll have to wake up to clean his stall and feed him and then go out right after school to train him and clean him and all that.
some of you may be wondering, why would i take this on at this point? well, you see, this horse would have been slaughtered if i hadn't come to his rescue. and he isn't a bad horse, he's just young and nobody wants to give him the time of day. and it's not like i regret this decision, it's just gonna be difficult for a while until we can move him in with my other horse.
anything else? oh yeah, my parents are getting divorced. my mom and my step-dad. it's the second one i've been through, except i'll remember it vividly, unlike my parents when i was 4. and my step-dad's an abusive douche who wants my mom to pay him a shitload of money, even though he's a successful contractor or something and he has plenty of cash. i also kinda pissed at my mom for putting herself in all these situations. how many times is she gonna marry a guy because of a kid? i hope two-for-two is enough to show her it doesn't work.
well, at least she has her 27 year old boyfriend from Philly, right? GGRRREEEAATT......
phew, that was long and drawn out, but there ya go.
if you read all that, i will give you a virtual bear hug :yes: i just needed to write that down...
oh, and my step-dad just came in my room and saw the towel in my bathroom covered in dried blood and said i was disgusting. thank god he assumed it was from my period. that saves me a lot of explaining.