Distressed.

[Wish]

I don't know if I should post or if I'm worth the space here.

I am scared of everything. I was supposed to call my assessor person with counselling... my doctor told me that I should do when I saw her on Friday. I don't want to waste his/their time since I'm not worth the support. I'm a fat, horrible, useless and disgusting person and they should spend their time with people who will end up in a better place. I don't deserve to.

Last night was a bad one. I just wanted to hurt myself. I had tablets but didn't use them because a friend called and distracted me- not that she knows that. So I didn't take the tablets. I couldn't get to sleep however, and at 1/2am I hurt myself in such a stupid place I'm going to go through hell covering it.

I can't take this lifestyle, doing something everyday, getting as ill as I seem to continually keep getting, wanting to hurt myself in more ways than one. Life seems such a pointless event, I am messing everything up. I will continue to mess things up because I am so damn useless. I wish I wasn't so much that it causes me pain.

I keep getting memories... I would say 'flashbacks' but I was never sexually abused and they're more medical. I don't know if flashbacks are simply of abuse... but anyway, I don't know how to deal with them without doing something destructive to make myself 'better' again. And I can't tell anyone about them... they've been hidden within me for so long. It's been ten years... I can't talk about them. People will hate me more than they already do. I'm so damn worthless.

[mallory]

This is exactly how I feel....I hurt my self with every little thing:erasers,fire,blades. everything. and I feel like I am worthless to even my friend who I promised I wouldnt cut anymore I feel worthless to. when someone tells me they care about me or try to help I dont belive them i feel the exact same way you do so your not alone and you do deserve to post this you are worth the space adn you are not worthless you will find your place someday, and if you ever want ot message me you can...and thanks for postingthis!

[DarkHorses]

Annabelle,

Every single person who struggles deserves help. There's no standards that you have to meet to be worthy of getting support from other people when you need it. Anytime that you struggle, you deserve any help that will make you feel better about your life and yourself.

I really think you should talk to this counselor about everything that's been going on. I know that it's not always fun to see a counselor, but it really can be helpful. You're struggling a lot right now, and you deserve the extra support. Only you can be the one who works hard enough to get through this. You need to do everything you can to feel better.

Everything always will turn out alright in the end. :) Good luck with everything.

[1_21Guns]

I don't know if I should post or if I'm worth the space here.

of course your worth space hun :hug:

I am scared of everything. I was supposed to call my assessor person with counselling... my doctor told me that I should do when I saw her on Friday. I don't want to waste his/their time since I'm not worth the support. I'm a fat, horrible, useless and disgusting person and they should spend their time with people who will end up in a better place. I don't deserve to.

everyone who wants help, deserves to get it, and nobody deserves to feel the way you do at the moment, what makes you feel like you don't deserve it?

Last night was a bad one. I just wanted to hurt myself. I had tablets but didn't use them because a friend called and distracted me- not that she knows that. So I didn't take the tablets. I couldn't get to sleep however, and at 1/2am I hurt myself in such a stupid place I'm going to go through hell covering it.

hun hurting yourself won't make anything go away, it'll just make you feel even worse eventually, which you don't deserve, you don't deserve the feelings you already have, without inflicting more upon yourself.

I can't take this lifestyle, doing something everyday, getting as ill as I seem to continually keep getting, wanting to hurt myself in more ways than one. Life seems such a pointless event, I am messing everything up. I will continue to mess things up because I am so damn useless. I wish I wasn't so much that it causes me pain.

lifes only as pointless as you make it, there's always a point for something, always, you just have to find it, you're not useless, and i'm sure you're not messing everything up.

I keep getting memories... I would say 'flashbacks' but I was never sexually abused and they're more medical. I don't know if flashbacks are simply of abuse... but anyway, I don't know how to deal with them without doing something destructive to make myself 'better' again. And I can't tell anyone about them... they've been hidden within me for so long. It's been ten years... I can't talk about them. People will hate me more than they already do. I'm so damn worthless.

no they aren't just linked to abuse, they can be linked to any memory etc, but i know how distressing they can be, you just have to try and keep calm, make sure your breathing stays calm and your body stays relaxed, or you just end up flying into a rage, or breaking down.

feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk hun :heart:

[georgiamay]

first of all, of course you're worth the space! Never think you're not because you are.

Hun, you deserve the help, no one deserves to feel the way you feel, and everyone deserves help. You're not worthless like you seem to think you are, what makes you feel like that? Because I can assure you, you're not. Everyone has something that makes them worthless, and if you can't see it, then you're not looking hard enough. Look around. Look really closely. Something will make life have a point to it. Something will make life worth living.

About the flashbacks, they don't have to be related to abuse. Flashbacks can happen to anyone who's had something they found traumatic or distressing happen to them. Just make sure you take deep calm breaths all the way through it, otherwise you might loose control. Just breath, and relax, and you'll be fine.

Hurting yourself might make you feel better for those few seconds, but afterwards, you'll just go right back to feeling how you did before, maybe even worse. It won't be worth it, and there are so many other things you could do to make yourself feel better.

Try seeing this cousellor person, they'll be able to help you. And you are worth the help. Just tell them how you feel. Let it all out. It's much healthier than hurting yourself.

Good luck hun, PM me anytime :hug:

[Wish]

Thank you so much for your support, sorry I haven't got back any sooner. I've been struggling quite a lot... was up until 3am last night and hurt myself really badly. I'd usually panic at it being how bad it was (not sure how much I can say, considering rules and that) but I remained fairly detached. It was like everything was blank and I was faint and dizzy and not really 'there' at all. I don't remember too much about it, like how I got there or what I was doing. Thankfully I've managed to dress it and everything.

I did call my counsellor's office yesterday, but it turns out that they're off sick. I'm not sure if they're back in today, I assume that they will not be. I'm supposed to be seeing the psychologist in Friday, but I haven't got a time or an appointment. So I don't know what's happening. I bet it's a repeat of my previous counselling, where I end up left on my own...

I just can't stop and shake off this feeling of utter hatred towards myself and I don't know what to do. I just know that the next thing I'll do is to overdose and that scares me since my body stops me from taking stuff now... confused and pretty scared.

Thank you, again.