I just started...

[Magenta]

This post could fall under so many categories... But I will share my story.

It started seven years ago when my parents divorced. I was left with my mother. My youngest memory I can remember is myself telling her that I wished I had never been born. I have run away, threatened and considered killing myself...

Seven months ago, my mother and I fought. She trapped me in our kitchen and pulled out a knife. For a moment, I thought she was going to kill me. Instead, she held the knife to her throat and said she would kill herself if that would make me happy. She ended her tirade by saying it was all a joke and she would never give me the satisfaction. I ran out the door and called a friend in hysterics, twelve blocks away, and the friend had to phone my dad.

Since then, I no longer live with or speak to my mother. My self-harm habits started before this, by scratching cuts with my nails into my hand. I then did it again this Mother's Day to my stomach. Two days ago, I scratched a cut into my wrist after my nail broke and was sharp.

However... today, I was curious. I pulled out my razor and just ran the blades along my wrist to see all the tiny cuts appear.

Now I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I want to walk into the bathroom and do it again. I'm afraid because I do not trust therapists or their 'help'. I'm afraid I will become addicted.

Jo (age 15.)

EDIT: Just a note... when I think back to everything... it's like watching my life in a movie. It's like something you see on TV and think 'It would never happen to me'. I feel as if I should feel lucky I did not die that day rather than want to die more because my mother couldn't get rid of me and I don't have the guts to kill myself even with all the ways possible.

[TheFountainGoddess]

try to stop now...try not to cut again..cuz otherwise u will become addicted...just keep talking to ur friend...and if ur friends doesn't no ur SH then i wuld tell them or someone cuz they really help

[Magenta]

I did it again this morning. All last night and all morning when I woke up, I just wanted to. I liked the feeling that I was not as much of a coward as before. It's like I have some control and it's the only thing I have control over at the moment.

It wasn't as scary this time.

[georgiamay]

ok, first of all i'm sorry to hear about what happened with your mother.
It was very good of you to call your friend that time when you were in hysterics, because it makes you feel a lot better in a much healthier way than self harming. I think from now on you should try doing this, because it does make you feel better.
It sounds like you could be starting to become addicted. Please, try and stop now. Just because you're starting to feel dependant on self harm doesn't mean you can't stop. I was addicted to self harm for quite a long time, and now i've gone 73 days without doing it. I'm so glad I stopped, and i regret starting at all. I won't lie to you, stopping will be hard, but it will definately be worth it.
If you keep cutting yourself, you'll start to withdraw from the people you love because you feel so ashamed, and you'll start needing to cut more and more, and deeper and deeper, to get the same effect.
I can tell you now that if you stop, you will be glad you did. You can ask anyone on this forum and they will all tell you that the regretted making that first cut, and they're glad they stopped (if they decided to take that step).

I hope you realise that you are certainly not alone with any of this. You can get through this if you try, and everyone on this forum is willing to help you. There are so many people that are going through this now or have gone through this in the past, including me, that completely understand this.

Feel free to PM/VM me if you ever need to talk, i'm here for you if you need me :hug:

[enjoying_my_insanity]

cutting is very addicting and you should really stop while you still can cuz if you keep doing this you will get addicted and then you wont be able to stop ask any SHer on this site tell a close friend about this if you wont go to a doctor about it and stop....google the cutting warning label and read it itll really make you think twice about it and read this http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/announcement.php?f=16&a=52 when you have the urge it has things to do instead and just distract yourself from the urges <3

[Painted_Indian_Horse]

don't do it again. i know how much you want it, but stop while you can. if you must, use your nails like you were. but don't use a razor or a knife or anything of that sort. it will get you hooked.

[Magenta]

Yeah... at least using my nails, it hurts and I stop. I'm trying 'cause I'm really nervous and agitated about it.

Thanks all of you. I told a couple of friends who promised to keep an eye on me.

[Mike321]

Sorry to hear what happened, and as hard as it is, try and stop as soon as you can, as its very addictive.
Glad you told some close friends who will keep an eye on you
Good Luck

[blah_x]

okay.. you have to get this under control, you can see everyones story on here and everyone has their own issues but its not too late for you to quit. please try, because you dont want to be in this position for the rest off your life.
im so jelouse of my friends, when something gets them down they cry, or talk to somebody.. i cut. no offence to any other SH'ers but dont become like me, please.
if yu ever wanna chat... blah blah yano yourself :)

[Resistance]

try to stop and don't let it control your life becouse it will end with you and your life. i know a girl that used to cut herself and she had to go to hospital several times and almost die, now she is alwright but she could die becouse of this.
if you need someone to talk i'll be there for you :)

[Magenta]

Thanks all of you. (: I'm doing much better in the past couple days. It's hard to walk into the bathroom and not think about it but I haven't done anything for the past 3 days. I've had a couple friends talk to me to keep me distracted when upset or I've come here and just read your messages again.

Update: I slipped up a bit. =/