I dont even recognize myself anymore, WHO AM I?

[schrei jess]

Somedays Ill be thinking..."Who the hell are you and what have you done with Jess?". Everything is so messed up right now, how did it get this way? Im not the person to ask.

I have so many problems, I cant even figure out which to deal with first. So lets see, I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 11 or 12, Im now on zoloft and welbutrin. I am self harming, I have cut myself and still will if I get very desperate, my cuts are not deep - they are small, and up until now were always in the same spot. I guess I was just too afriad of having more pain, but the cutting only caused more pain, it made me hate myself...and I still do, dont think I can ever learn to like who I am. I have a secret obsession with food, it isnt an eating disorder...yet. I feel like every time something goes into my mouth, other than applesauce...dont ask why, I get fatter and fatter by the second. Im huge and not just in weight, I am 5' 10" and weigh 140 lbs. and even my feet are big, size ten in womens. I used to be able to wear size 5 but I keep getting bigger, now Im a 7 and Im deathly afraid of growing even more. Somedays I will convince myself that I dont need food, today is one of those days, right now my stomache is begging for food...but what most call pain, I call weakness leaving the body. So I guess I might have some sort of eating disorder...its pathetic but I cant even make myself throw up I try everything, so all thats left is to not eat, and Im not giving it up, I want to be able to see my bones, bones are beautiful...WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?!

Oh and one more problem, I think Im gay. Oh joy. Just recently Ive found something called 'yaoi' meaning Boys love, its japanese anime/manga. Why do I like watching guys kiss or hug? Why do I think this is deeply beautiful? Another question I cant answer. I dont know why I might be gay, its hard to explain really...but I find same sex relationships beautiful, although certain things are not, and I need something beautiful...I need it. Or maybe Im bi, because I am still attracted to guys...straight and gay, I cant figure this out...its too confusing...I just want to turn my mind off, sleep forever...die. I want to be free of all these problems and worries, I dont want to care anymore.

I feel lost and alone, and Ive got nobody to talk to. I need some help, God I need a miracle. I cant hold back my tears anymore, here they come...great. I want to die right now, but I know I dont have the guts to do it. I cant even think anymore...and I dont want to. I want to stop caring, I want to stop worrying about tomarrow. I need a break from life!!!!!!!

Wow you guys give lots of great help!!!

-_- Seriously please, I need to talk to someone.

My mom just made me eat, and now I feel so full, if I could make myself throw up...I would do it in a heartbeat but it doesnt work. No matter how far I shove my fingers down my throat, it wont work. I remember drinking hydrogen peroxide once, I threw up for the whole day, there's a solution.

[schrei jess]

I just went to IM you but you arent signed on, so I can check later, my IM is oh sonny my love.

[TheWizard]

You're right you have a lot of problems but mostly its caused by your depression.

Its works like this. If you keep doing the same things you are doing now you can only expect the same results in the future. So you have to change to get better. The hard part is deciding who or what you want to be. Once you do that all you have to do is start living that life.

I know its not as easy as it sounds but you have to make that jump or you'll be depressed your whole life.

You say you don't care for your life so take a risk and do something wild like take up skydiving, bungy jumping, or whatever most of your friends are to scared to do. It will change the way people see you. Just take up something that defines your new life.

I'm always here to talk if you need me.

[schrei jess]

I cant change, I dont know what is holding me back, I just cant. I dont care anymore, I want to die, I need to die, why havent I killed myself yet? What is keeping me from just downing a whole bottle of sleeping pills? I cant figure it out.

I guess I do need someone to talk to, but even when I do talk, it never helps. I have a therapist but, it doesnt help much. I wont let anybody in, why wont I let anybody in? Im so pathetic, I cant do anything right.

[mRojas2000]

:hug: dont worry hunny!!!! im always here to talk :mrgreen:
I rather talking about all this in msn... if you dont have hotmail msn, just tell me, and I'll get an IM so we can talk...
PM me if you need something...
Miguel :)

[TheWizard]

Thank you for voluteering to help Goth. :)

[schrei jess]

Thanks everyone, all help is appreciated!

[Jean Poutine]

First, don't kill yourself. Think about everyone around you, and how they would react if you were to suicide. Prolly a lot of people would be sad, and if you do it, it's the last stop, you can't come back. You can't say "oh I'll just return to life" afterwards.

Don't worry about your size. I've seen a girl that's around 6'4, prolly heavier than I am, huge feet, and she was laughing and having fun. Even if you're tall, why couldn't you enjoy it? I personally think looking at everyone from high heights is fun. Plus it allows you to do tons of things other girls can't do because they're too short. 140 is an okay weight, especially for your height.

But if you really want to lose some, there's better and less risky ways to lose weight than vomiting it all out. Maybe you could play basketball, volleyball, badminton or something of that sort? Your height would be a big advantage in these sports, and they're great activities. You'll lose weight, and will be in better shape. Sport also sends some hormones in your brain which have anti-depressing properties. Plus it will make you meet new people, go around a little, think about other stuff, fresh air? If you become good at them, it'll be 10x as fun, you'll have the impression you did something that benefits a lot of people. The day I started running was the day I stopped being extremely depressed. Now I have bouts once in a while like everyone else, but they're manageable.

If you don't feel like trying team sports, I heavily recommend running. Buy a good pair of kickers, find a track, and let yourself go. Become one with the wind? It's a real kick, even if you run for long, long distances. I do road/track running myself, but if you live in a wooden area, try cross-country or just run around in the forest. It's a great relief to see nature owning mankind, and it helps with stress and depression too, there's some BEAUTIFUL areas in forests that not much people know about. The best times for running are morning and evening, less people, and the setting is prettier.

As for the "Yaoi" thing, do not worry about it. Lots and lots of guys watch lesbian stuff, and they're not all gay. Besides, don't we all have a little gay side?

I never liked seeing psies much. I was confused when I entered their offices, and got out of there even more confused than I already was.

Anyway, try what I suggested, and get me back on it. You'll see, sport fixes more stuff than people think.

[Hyper]

Yeah.. Killing yourself is surtenly not the answer..

AIM me if you want to talk : DarKMMDP

[Makod]

Oh and one more problem, I think Im gay. Oh joy. Just recently Ive found something called 'yaoi' meaning Boys love, its japanese anime/manga. Why do I like watching guys kiss or hug? Why do I think this is deeply beautiful? Another question I cant answer.
If you are gay because you enjoy yaoi, then Carmen and I (and countless others) are rapist pedophiles. Watching a form of entertainment cannot change who you are.

[Cable]

You are beautiful the way you are. Dont worry about how much you eat, how many bones you can see, or what other people think of you. Chances are, most people think more highly of you than you think.

[~Ðarç~]

I do =O
juss from a few days from seeing you on these forums, i realize that your really nice, your an amazing poet and you seem to help a lot on the forums too

take what ppl think about you postively into concideration it helps sometimes

[*Dissident*]

im always here for ya, Gal.

[*Dissident*]

Dont Do It Jess!!! Dont Kill Yourself!! We All Love You!! Please!!! Please Jess!!!!

[Phantom]

Somedays Ill be thinking..."Who the hell are you and what have you done with Jess?". Everything is so messed up right now, how did it get this way? Im not the person to ask.Don't worry things will only get better :)
We are here for you. I think you just need sombody to talk to.

I have so many problems, I cant even figure out which to deal with first. So lets see, I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 11 or 12, Im now on zoloft and welbutrin. I am self harming, I have cut myself and still will if I get very desperate, my cuts are not deep - they are small, and up until now were always in the same spot. I guess I was just too afriad of having more pain, but the cutting only caused more pain, it made me hate myself...and I still do, dont think I can ever learn to like who I am.Things can only get better. Maybe you are putting exsess stress on yourself?
Talking to a counserler could realy help they are trained to help you.:) I have a secret obsession with food, it isnt an eating disorder...yet. I feel like every time something goes into my mouth, other than applesauce...dont ask why, I get fatter and fatter by the second. Im huge and not just in weight, I am 5' 10" and weigh 140 lbs. and even my feet are big, size ten in womens. I used to be able to wear size 5 but I keep getting bigger, now Im a 7 and Im deathly afraid of growing even more. Somedays I will convince myself that I dont need food, today is one of those days, right now my stomache is begging for food...but what most call pain, I call weakness leaving the body. So I guess I might have some sort of eating disorder...its pathetic but I cant even make myself throw up I try everything, so all thats left is to not eat, and Im not giving it up, I want to be able to see my bones, bones are beautiful...WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?! You are not a freak. You probably have pressure from society to have the perfect body. Don't put exsess stress on yourself. Don't be afraid to eat as long as its good food. Food is good for you :)
Oh and one more problem, I think Im gay. Oh joy. Just recently Ive found something called 'yaoi' meaning Boys love, its japanese anime/manga. Why do I like watching guys kiss or hug? Why do I think this is deeply beautiful? Well I think you might like watching gay GUYS better because you dislike womens bodys. Didnt you make another thread about being to modest about your body?Another question I cant answer. I dont know why I might be gay, its hard to explain really...but I find same sex relationships beautiful, although certain things are not, and I need something beautiful...I need it. Or maybe Im bi, because I am still attracted to guys...straight and gay, I cant figure this out...its too confusing.If your gay your gay, don't let society get you down just do whatever feels natural...I just want to turn my mind off, sleep forever...die. I want to be free of all these problems and worries, I dont want to care anymore.

I feel lost and alone, and Ive got nobody to talk to. I need some help, God I need a miracle. I cant hold back my tears anymore, here they come...great. I want to die right now, but I know I dont have the guts to do it. I cant even think anymore...and I dont want to. I want to stop caring, I want to stop worrying about tomarrow. I need a break from life!!!!!!! Whatever you do don't EVER think of killing yourself that is the worst thing you could do.
It would destroy your family. Please don't.
Wow you guys give lots of great help!!!

-_- Seriously please, I need to talk to someone.

My mom just made me eat, and now I feel so full, if I could make myself throw up...I would do it in a heartbeat but it doesnt work. No matter how far I shove my fingers down my throat, it wont work. I remember drinking hydrogen peroxide once, I threw up for the whole day, there's a solution Please don't shove your finger down your throat its not good for you. Try cutting back little by little.:) . Well hope this helps :)

[aryadorable]

i went thru and am still going thru what you are now.
and i totaly understand.
if you ever need to talk to someone
or you even neeed help or advice...
feel free to message me
or instant message me on AIM
my screen name is aryadorable.


hope yer okay.

[-=D=-]

Hey its ok...just don't do anything that you might regret!
I can't say much since I haven't eaten in almost a day, and I'm a guy....
But killing yourself is really not the best path, and even if you don't want to eat, you can just do what I do and eat like one meal a day.
I'm guessing that you won't talk to me...but I've been wrong a lot...
My aim is dagorin93
I know that the pain your going through might not be the same as mine,
But I still can try to help.

[Jordo]

first of all suicide is the cowards way out and your not a coward second of all its selfish all the people that dearly love you will never see you again and what if this is your one shot at life? Dont kill yourself you have too much to live for and eat something thats good for you if you feel fat (and you dont look fat if your avatar is you) please dont be sad I have gone through those time many a time you just have to cheer up (exercise makes me happy :) ) just find something you like I hope you feel better :) I know its not easy but just try to be happy
AND PLEASE DONT DRINK HYDROGEN PYROXIDE ITS VERY POSINOUS many people would be sad including your family and people here at vt
also bones arnt good almost every man around will tell you he like women With a little meat on em ! :) so be happy