I feel like Im alone.

[sildavin]

This might be REALLY long. Sorry. I've been bottling it up for a LONG time now
if you read the whole thing, thank you.

I've felt this for a few years now, but its really starting to come out. I mean I spend 4 out of 7 days living by myself since my dads always at his girlfriends house, and obviously, I don't live with my mom. When my dad comes home he complains about how messy the house is, and how lazy I am. i work at Wal-Mart 35 hours a week and really shitty hours. I work at night so by the time I get home its really late, and i'm exhausted. I mean the work I do at Wal Mart isnt hard by any standards,and atleast i have a job but mentally its challenging dealing with my managers and customers.

and before I go to work, I like to chill out and relax since when I get home I typically just go to bed. He never offers words of encouragement, and hasnt since him and my mom split 5 years ago. I personally believe Im a failure in his eyes.

My Moms an Alcoholic, and has been for SEVERAL years. I can remember way back when, when I was like 11 or 12, I was always hiding the bottle from my dad so they wouldn't fight, I've seen her arrested, I've seen her fall down stairs, pass out randomly and hit the floor. Then the fighting started, then all of a sudden, my mom had an affair going on. I knew about it, but I didnt know what to do, I was 12ish? So I just kept trying to keep them from splitting up. but It happened. now my moms unemployed because of the economy, she was laid off. now the money she had saved up buys her booze, and barely a roof over her head, so now Im working a lot more hours to try and help her.

Moving on to my "friends" I have 2 that I actually hang out with, all the "others" were school friends. but the two whom I hang out with, will never invite me to anything, if I wanna hang out, I have to make an appointment so to speak, so when they have time for me, if they have time for me, is when I can hang out with them. So Im basically on my own. If im not at work, Im at home, in my room, on the computer, or doing household chores.

My intense work schedule caused me to feel inadequate in the relationship I was in the worlds most amazing girl, so I broke it off because she deserved better.

I have a sister, but she lives really far away and the only time we talk is when we play World of Warcraft.

So im literally alone, but at the same time, I cant help but feel that my being around is nothing more then a burden to other people. Yet I try, and I try to do everything perfect, I try to be funny, I try to be kind, and most people who you ask will probably say that im really sweet, but would they pick me to hang out with? No.

Im sorry, I didnt intend for this to turn into a venting post, but, I had to let it out, I just dont know what I can anymore, everything I try to right, I mess up, the harder I try, the harder I fall, I dont think anyone has any confidence in me, and I don't believe anyone would miss me if I disappeared. I'm not suicidal by any means, Im just really depressed at the moment, I dont know what the next step is, and I don't know what to do. the only time I get texts from my friends, without sending them one first, is when they need something.

I dont know, am I freaking out? between dealing with my mom, and the constant downplay from my dad, and the fact that I rally dont have friends, Im slowly breaking. I used to be the kid who smiled all the time, but I just dont see a reason to smile anymore.

Sorry this IS really long, if you made it this far, it means a lot to me.

Thank you.
~Chris

[Trickster]

Sounds like there is one huge problem in your life...your dad.
since your mom is going through something, he should step up and be a father not a roomie. We all just need that one person in our lives who can talk to and be with and know will be there. I wouldnt blame your friends because sometimes friends have a hectic schedule and friends are...friends. They usually arent people who are completly dependable until you meet that true friend or best friend. But your home situation is probably causing other things to fall apart. Alot of people feel hesistant to invite people who has problems along fearing itll be emotional. So id tell your dad that you need him around more because you have a hard time and need him around. Do it in a caring voice because he might respond to that. Its commednable you are trying to help your mom, so if possible try to ask her to get better for you. so at least maybe you too could talk together be together.
Never...NEVER stop being that kid that smiles all the time. You are better than that to let depression get its grubby little hands all over you. Those kids that always smile seem to have it easy because they do things to their best, try to make people happy and always are good people. lol just basically described you. So never let that smile fade, its hard but just find that person who you can talk to. They can even be far away or online but as long as their there for u and ready to hear your problems, itll make you feel better. :)

[chazzrox2]

It's okay to rant sometimes, it's what we're here for :)
But I disagree with Trickster ^^^ up there, your Dad has been through something just as much as you have, his life has been turned upside down as well, so don't blame it all on him, if you use him as a scapegoat for the pain it could ruin what's left of your relationship.

As for your mum: You should consider getting proper help for her, alcoholism is dangerous and i expect you don't need telling this but i'm saying it anyway, it IS dangerous and i'm sure you're heloing as much as possible but there is only so much you can do.

Work: Don't be too hard on yourself about work, yes it's always tiring no matter what work it is really but you should be clear to your "real" friends and tell them you miss them, or you feel alone right now, i'm sure if you just tell them you really want time with them they will understand.

What i do agree with Trickster though is that you DO need someone to talk to, thats osmetimes just means being completely honest about anything with them. Just becuase your sister or online friends are far away doesn't mean they don't wanna listen.

Hope you feel better soon, don't hide away! :)

[sildavin]

Thanks for all the kind words. it makes me feel better.

I just dont know what to do next, for years ive always been the guy whose optimistic, the fighter, the guy whose there for everyone else, it just seems like the one time I actually need someone to give me a hug for a change, no ones there, and no one cares. Literally at this point in my life. I am truly alone. Both you guys used the word "blame" im not looking to "blame" anyone. I just wish the people I cared about, would care about me, even if just for a little while. Instead of just using me.

[jasjms48]

Not sure on your view here, but I believe if you found God you would "have more to live for". The first step I would say is to fix your relationship with your dad. If it requires a councilor or just one on one time whatever it takes, because that is your biggest problem right now. After you have fixed your family problems I would suggest trying to find God. And walk with Him.

[DrkZ90]

Thanks for all the kind words. it makes me feel better.

I just dont know what to do next, for years ive always been the guy whose optimistic, the fighter, the guy whose there for everyone else, it just seems like the one time I actually need someone to give me a hug for a change, no ones there, and no one cares. Literally at this point in my life. I am truly alone. Both you guys used the word "blame" im not looking to "blame" anyone. I just wish the people I cared about, would care about me, even if just for a little while. Instead of just using me.

I know all-too-well how that feels... I would say, you should try to talk to them, try to see if they could take you into account more, perhaps you'll have better luck than me on that, it could work.

Be careful though, not to bring up what you've done for them because, as personal experience tells, other people don't like that... I remember once years ago, I had forgotten to prepare my part for an oral presentation we had to do in groups at school... I asked a "friend" to help me by covering me if I forgot part of it or something and he refused. Someone overheard that, and told him "he has helped you countless times before, like for example.... and you're not gonna help him with this?". Needless to say, I was alone to get the whole thing ready by myself and don't embarrass myself that much. It was the worst presentation I've ever done.

[Painted_Indian_Horse]

i read the whole thing :)

don't give up yet. it's a very hard, very difficult situation you're in. you want to make your dad proud, but can't seem to. it isn't fair that he doesn't appreciate you the way he should, but you can't control other people's actions, unfortunately. as for your mother, i know you feel obligated to help her. but, honestly, any help you give her financially is just enabling. as awfully heartless as it sounds, i wouldn't feed the addiction. find her some help; a group or something.
the way you stay responsible is very commendable. even though you have no external motivation, you keep a job and do chores. so that is a very good quality. as for those two jerks, don't enable them, either. ignore their requests, or tell them how you feel. if they still don't change, then you shouldn't fret over them, anyways.
but, then again, if they know about your situation, and how many hours you work, they might not want to disturb you. i can't say for sure, i don't know the whole situation.
and I care about you. ME, right here, and plenty of other people on here. I would be sad if you disappeared, because you seem like an awesome person i haven't gotten to know yet. so you can't leave now. :D
you're just in a low point right now, and you have every reason to be upset. but it will okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end. :hug:

[yoda]

Man your in some situation there and I feel for ya. You could and go to a councilor and talk to them, i did when i had some problems in my life and they were great and i felt really great after and life is good. So i think you should find one and for work i don't know if your in school now or your done with it, but try to get some morning shifts at work, can't hurt to ask. Well i hope life gets better for ya with your folks and all, and chin up and smile and have a positive look on things. It will get better=)!

[Errr]

O_O......Thats my exact situation..like exept school instead work and younger..and my mom was a drunk and beat up bad, alot from her boyfriends, but other than thet, everything.....I know what your going through..holy shit..i still cant believe how close the stories are, but anyways, all you can really do is tough it out and know your going to be something one day..and know you did it all by yourself, because your strong...thats the only thing that lets me make it through...i really feel for you..:(

[Errr]

Not sure on your view here, but I believe if you found God you would "have more to live for". The first step I would say is to fix your relationship with your dad. If it requires a councilor or just one on one time whatever it takes, because that is your biggest problem right now. After you have fixed your family problems I would suggest trying to find God. And walk with Him.

mmk, you probably dont have these problems do ya...? cuz everything you just said would be like pulling teeth, and finding god...? I found god, and yeah, im not gunna kill myself now. but are the problems gone or any easier..nope.

[sildavin]

mmk, you probably dont have these problems do ya...?

Were you referring to me? I can assure you that everything I said was 100% true. I don't need to lie to stranger for attention on the internet.

Anyways, just a little update here, I haven't been on in a while. Just as it always does, things are starting to look up again, my mom is trying to get sober...**Again** that in itself is a huge relief, just one less thing I have to worry about, esp since I start my first day of college tomorrow, hopefully I'll make some more friends, we'll see.

Last night (Sunday 9-05-10) I got really depressed again, because for the last couple days I had been given morning shifts and got out at 3pm, I was hoping to get together with my friends and hopefully go to a local fair, but that didn't happen. But my mom was sober, so I took her out to eat at Applebee's. It was pretty fun :D, then, for me, it turned into a joke, "the only date I can get on a Sunday night is my mom, how LAME is that!?" A few people got a kick out of it, so it wasnt bad haha.

For those of you that are following this, I want to thank you again, whether or not you believe me, it truly means a lot, that someone who's never met me, can at least extend an ear, or a virtual hug...*cough*Painted_Indian_Horse*cough* and for me, that's all it really takes to help me get my spirits up, you know? I do confide in one friend a lot, and helps me feel better, but I don't confide in my family, and God? Thanks for the suggestion but no thanks. I wont get into that. This weekend went well, and I hope for others like it.

[DrkZ90]

@sildavin

Don't worry, he was referring to jasjms48 who pretty much said that all the problems in life will magically go away if you "find" God, whatever that means, because personally, Religion has done nothing but makes things worse with all the hate.