Magus
August 26th, 2010, 03:11 PM
Currently listening to 500mg - Stray thoughts on Death and Satan.
The song title is quite ironical.
The pain in my chest is back. That feeling, kind of choking me - my throat or whatever you call it.
Yeah. I made me a mess in the home. Don't know what to do. Take a knife and stab any passerby I see on the road? Steal a car and crash it into a street pole?
I was always the discarded one. The unneeded one. The imbecile. The idiot. The weak. The dumb one. The annoying one. The fat one. The ugly one. The slow one. The bedridden.
I guess I lied, I am not positive, not optimistic, not filled with hope, courage, will.
Dead from the inside. Like the 1000 year old, burnt tree.
I always wanted to do something. Something new and unique - perhaps, something that will distinguish me from other people.
I tried a lot of things. But I don't know where I belong. But wherever I went, I wasn't welcomed. And I was never good at things I liked and admired.
This is shame that this, "bearded" 18 year old weeping like a 4 year old. Well, I can't hold it. I just let them flow.
I tried to escape reality. It seems, I don't belong in reality. The 'Outside' world, with the people, animals, trees and shrubs, kiosks, dustbins, cars, and buildings.
Whenever I want to study. That, which will help me set up a goal for me. But I am always distracted. Distracted by this silence.
I begged my father to buy a monthly subscribed Internet access. Living in a low income family, that must be a generous thing a father can do - even though this thing can spoil me or something on that line.
I guess this bliss, the Internet, was really short-lived as I see.
I thought it will help me, solve my problem. Unfortunately, this is not the case now. Diminishing with everyday.
Even on the Internet, I tried to become something. But, even that hope died. Man, I can't even articulate!
Wherever I go. I am always an out cast. Living as a single individual. Be it in the family, with friends, in school. Alone... and lonely.
Can't my mother understand? The longer and stronger I scream is stop her screaming, she even screams more - Mom, we are not playing a game on who can screams more. I can't do anything to her, she is my mother. Someone else... Is she even my mom? Both infertile parents. The only child. No... I don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do... I need help... but nothing is helping me. Your words won't help me. Your smily hugs won't help me.
I don't know. I know I am an idiot. Idiot should go kill themselves, that will ease other people, now, won't it?
So... let us see Mr.Future's cups - unfortunately, I am indecisive. I don't know which one holds the coin. The two faced coin.
A deafening silence indeed.
The song title is quite ironical.
The pain in my chest is back. That feeling, kind of choking me - my throat or whatever you call it.
Yeah. I made me a mess in the home. Don't know what to do. Take a knife and stab any passerby I see on the road? Steal a car and crash it into a street pole?
I was always the discarded one. The unneeded one. The imbecile. The idiot. The weak. The dumb one. The annoying one. The fat one. The ugly one. The slow one. The bedridden.
I guess I lied, I am not positive, not optimistic, not filled with hope, courage, will.
Dead from the inside. Like the 1000 year old, burnt tree.
I always wanted to do something. Something new and unique - perhaps, something that will distinguish me from other people.
I tried a lot of things. But I don't know where I belong. But wherever I went, I wasn't welcomed. And I was never good at things I liked and admired.
This is shame that this, "bearded" 18 year old weeping like a 4 year old. Well, I can't hold it. I just let them flow.
I tried to escape reality. It seems, I don't belong in reality. The 'Outside' world, with the people, animals, trees and shrubs, kiosks, dustbins, cars, and buildings.
Whenever I want to study. That, which will help me set up a goal for me. But I am always distracted. Distracted by this silence.
I begged my father to buy a monthly subscribed Internet access. Living in a low income family, that must be a generous thing a father can do - even though this thing can spoil me or something on that line.
I guess this bliss, the Internet, was really short-lived as I see.
I thought it will help me, solve my problem. Unfortunately, this is not the case now. Diminishing with everyday.
Even on the Internet, I tried to become something. But, even that hope died. Man, I can't even articulate!
Wherever I go. I am always an out cast. Living as a single individual. Be it in the family, with friends, in school. Alone... and lonely.
Can't my mother understand? The longer and stronger I scream is stop her screaming, she even screams more - Mom, we are not playing a game on who can screams more. I can't do anything to her, she is my mother. Someone else... Is she even my mom? Both infertile parents. The only child. No... I don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do... I need help... but nothing is helping me. Your words won't help me. Your smily hugs won't help me.
I don't know. I know I am an idiot. Idiot should go kill themselves, that will ease other people, now, won't it?
So... let us see Mr.Future's cups - unfortunately, I am indecisive. I don't know which one holds the coin. The two faced coin.
A deafening silence indeed.