bugals645
August 26th, 2010, 12:12 AM
I'm am ninteen years old and cannot figure out my orietation, i have been struggling with this for a while now and i hoping someone can provide insight on this bizzare story of my sexual developement.
I remeber the first time i had a crush on a girl was in kindergaden i remeber she was pretty looking and something about her made me want to be around her.
However i can't be sure but somewhere around that time i also remeber going to friends house and during that time i remember him pulling out his penis witch gave me an erection. I had no idea what it meant but from then on i had been interested in seeing guys naked in such. Shortly after (as wierd as it is) all happening around k-4 grade i had gotten three neighbor friends of mine regularly messing around, no kissing just touching each other and getting naked. All us got erctions from this but we were ignorent to what it really meant.
One day in fifth grade i remember looking at a girl and having these weird feelings i had never had before. studying her body gave me sexual feelings. I tried to make a move on her but made a fool of myself and then it turned out she liked my best friend...
After that i remember being really attracted to girls. I had many crushes but was always to nervous to let the girl or anyone else know how i felt. Also during this time 6-9 grade i had a lot of locker room exsperiences where i was curious/aroused. I couldn't change in front of anyone because undressing myself in front of them would give me an erection.
What is odd is that i have never had a crush on a guy or even thought of kissing one(although i did have a best friend i was pretty attracted to) and I would always masturbate to hetero porn because it turn me on.
Junior year i finally got my first girlfriend and it was wild! Holding hands, having good vibes, and even just making any kind of physical contact would get me aroused. Most of the time i would have to where a jock strap on dates so my erection wouldn't be revealed. After about a year of fingering and hand jobs (which was great) we finally had sex. This is where the confusion really started to take over. After about the fourth night of having sex i began to question my self. That night i look up gay porn and it aroused me. Freaked out the next day i called her over to try and have sex again but it was different. I couldn't stay hard during the foreplay because i kept stressing over if i liked it or not. When we were finally naked i got hard long enough to penetrate and come within 10 secs. It felt akward and this made me sure i was gay. I then made the stupid mistake of telling her right then and there that i think i might be gay. It was a very emotional week or so for us and she was thinking we should break up but i really didn't want to. We ended up staying together and had good sex many times. But there was still ocasions where i would become nervous and could not get hard. I have deep feelings for her and it was very sad when we moved away from each other about two weeks ago.
I began jumping back and fourth between porn types and i can now say i have body reactions to lesbian, gay and hetero porn. However after all this time of over analyzing my feelings i cannot pin point what is arousing me about any of them.
I have more i could say about all this but i know this is getting long so i will just throw a couple more things that might be worth considering.
I had no real idea of what sex was until 7th grade
I never had a sex talk
My mother is a very self defeating emotional wreck (with a good heart) and i believe all her screaming and insalts torward maid me very insecure in my teens
My brother was diagnosed with terminal disease when i was in six grade which really shoke our household and my mom basically shut down for a while
Also the idea of me not being able to be with women really absets me.
So now i am in college and i catch myself looking at girls but imediately question how i feel. I am too nervous to pursue another relation with a girl worrying that i might have those nervous feelings again.
Could my past attrations for girls just of been a phase that i refuse to let go of?
Thanks to everyone who has replied and gave me advice, it has helped me feel better but i still am confused and have questions. The biggest thing is i don't really seem to fit in with others and i can't tell if it's because of my orientation. I have a hard time talking to anyone and i will find myself thinking in my mind if i'm attracted to them or not. I can't really ever be sure but i always shy away from conversations. I either act uninteresting or say too much and bore people. There is a lot more to all that but it's hard to explain all my social issues because i have over thought them.
And the other thing is i am a pretty regular pot user and when i was dating my gf i found that if i didn't smoke pot sometime on a day we had sex i got really nervous and had difficulty remaining hard. What i can't decide is if the pot enhanced my sexual sense enough where i could conentrate on it and remain aroused even though i'd be gay or if it simply relaxed my mind enough so that i wouldn't be nervous.
I remeber the first time i had a crush on a girl was in kindergaden i remeber she was pretty looking and something about her made me want to be around her.
However i can't be sure but somewhere around that time i also remeber going to friends house and during that time i remember him pulling out his penis witch gave me an erection. I had no idea what it meant but from then on i had been interested in seeing guys naked in such. Shortly after (as wierd as it is) all happening around k-4 grade i had gotten three neighbor friends of mine regularly messing around, no kissing just touching each other and getting naked. All us got erctions from this but we were ignorent to what it really meant.
One day in fifth grade i remember looking at a girl and having these weird feelings i had never had before. studying her body gave me sexual feelings. I tried to make a move on her but made a fool of myself and then it turned out she liked my best friend...
After that i remember being really attracted to girls. I had many crushes but was always to nervous to let the girl or anyone else know how i felt. Also during this time 6-9 grade i had a lot of locker room exsperiences where i was curious/aroused. I couldn't change in front of anyone because undressing myself in front of them would give me an erection.
What is odd is that i have never had a crush on a guy or even thought of kissing one(although i did have a best friend i was pretty attracted to) and I would always masturbate to hetero porn because it turn me on.
Junior year i finally got my first girlfriend and it was wild! Holding hands, having good vibes, and even just making any kind of physical contact would get me aroused. Most of the time i would have to where a jock strap on dates so my erection wouldn't be revealed. After about a year of fingering and hand jobs (which was great) we finally had sex. This is where the confusion really started to take over. After about the fourth night of having sex i began to question my self. That night i look up gay porn and it aroused me. Freaked out the next day i called her over to try and have sex again but it was different. I couldn't stay hard during the foreplay because i kept stressing over if i liked it or not. When we were finally naked i got hard long enough to penetrate and come within 10 secs. It felt akward and this made me sure i was gay. I then made the stupid mistake of telling her right then and there that i think i might be gay. It was a very emotional week or so for us and she was thinking we should break up but i really didn't want to. We ended up staying together and had good sex many times. But there was still ocasions where i would become nervous and could not get hard. I have deep feelings for her and it was very sad when we moved away from each other about two weeks ago.
I began jumping back and fourth between porn types and i can now say i have body reactions to lesbian, gay and hetero porn. However after all this time of over analyzing my feelings i cannot pin point what is arousing me about any of them.
I have more i could say about all this but i know this is getting long so i will just throw a couple more things that might be worth considering.
I had no real idea of what sex was until 7th grade
I never had a sex talk
My mother is a very self defeating emotional wreck (with a good heart) and i believe all her screaming and insalts torward maid me very insecure in my teens
My brother was diagnosed with terminal disease when i was in six grade which really shoke our household and my mom basically shut down for a while
Also the idea of me not being able to be with women really absets me.
So now i am in college and i catch myself looking at girls but imediately question how i feel. I am too nervous to pursue another relation with a girl worrying that i might have those nervous feelings again.
Could my past attrations for girls just of been a phase that i refuse to let go of?
Thanks to everyone who has replied and gave me advice, it has helped me feel better but i still am confused and have questions. The biggest thing is i don't really seem to fit in with others and i can't tell if it's because of my orientation. I have a hard time talking to anyone and i will find myself thinking in my mind if i'm attracted to them or not. I can't really ever be sure but i always shy away from conversations. I either act uninteresting or say too much and bore people. There is a lot more to all that but it's hard to explain all my social issues because i have over thought them.
And the other thing is i am a pretty regular pot user and when i was dating my gf i found that if i didn't smoke pot sometime on a day we had sex i got really nervous and had difficulty remaining hard. What i can't decide is if the pot enhanced my sexual sense enough where i could conentrate on it and remain aroused even though i'd be gay or if it simply relaxed my mind enough so that i wouldn't be nervous.