I'm Already Gone

[Zeh Crazy]

I want to kill all this pain. The only way I have figured out to do this is by cutting. I somehow feel that my end is imminent. I want it to be, but I don't want it to be unexpected. I want to end it all so badly, but only on my own terms. I'm ready to go, or very close to it. However, if I decided to take that step, it wouldn't be by cutting. I'm thinking pills. I'm not scared at all, but yet I am scared shitless.

I'm sick of this life and all of the people that pretended to care. There is something so beautiful about death. I desire to die. Just leave this all behind. Leave people with questioning and mystery. Even though I'm sure I do enough of that already. Life has just become unbearable. I feel so cold, and then at some points I feel like emotion will kill me with how much I feel sometimes. I bottle a lot of things up. Mainly because there is no one tell anything to. No one who cares. The people around here don't genuinely care. I would like to think they did, but they don't. They're not deep enough, not mature enough to understand the burdens I carry. When all I really want is for someone to wipe my tears and tell me it's all over and I don't have to live like this anymore.

I have been abandoned by virtually everyone in my life. All mother figures have left me. That's all I really want, all I ever wanted, was a mother to hold me and love me. I never received that as a child, so that part of me is fucked up now. I have no sense of security. My mom told me I was a mistake and that she should've had an abortion when she had the chance. Then she wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit. It's nice to be referred to as shit. Thanks, mom. And my dad, he denied me as his child flat out. Didn't sign my birth certificate. Until 11 years later when a DNA test proved him wrong.

I'm tired of it all. I'm always the odd one out in the crowd. Just someone that people can poke fun at because I really am defenseless, as much as I hate to hear it. I can't fight back. I can just say things in anger. Which tends to make them laugh even more.

It doesn't matter what I do; I'll always be the unlucky one. Always the one with the lesser advantage in everything. This may sound whiney, but it's true. I just can't stand it anymore. The only thing left to do, the only way out, is suicide. This post, if anything, is just a rant. But it should be taken seriously. I'm tired of people under-estimating me. People don't know what I have the will to do...I'm already gone.

[Nexus]

You have to look past your parents' failures. They may have made you feel absolutely worthless and made you feel like a mistake, but you have a place in the world just like everyone else, despite how hard it is for you to come to terms with it.

We can't all be blessed with a good family life. I know that a lot of my immediate family has issues as well. My father has essentially been absent from my life, and my Mother has had to work her ass off to raise me. I haven't had a ton of friends growing up since I've moved around a lot and generally had different interests than my peers.

You need to find something you are good at, and stick to bettering yourself and mastering it. I don't know what it is, and maybe you don't yet either, but search your interests and find that one thing that you think you could really be good at.

You may have been abandoned by everyone in life, but you do not have to abandon yourself.