the8bitter
August 20th, 2010, 11:47 PM
Just felt like sharing my story, although it is probably unworthy of being on here. mods, remove as you please
My dad was an alcoholic, but he was the "funny" kind rather than the abusive kind. He'd always go off and do very silly things, like put his two year old son on his 'Davidson without a helmet and drive around with him (Not that I got scathed in the end). He drove my mother (who was always completely sober) insane of course. I do remember my parents arguing over and over about stuff, although my two year old mind couldn't really comprehend what the arguments were about. Either way, I'm most certain it concerned me.
I never did feel loved or cared for throughout my entire life. Yes, my mother bought me toys to keep me entertained (I was fascinated with Teddy Ruxpin- a talking animatronic bear. I had always loved to be talked to, although now that luxury is almost gone since everybody avoids me). I was never hugged, cuddled or experienced any of the other types of affection as a very young child. My life consisted of spending time with toys, since my mother and father were always busy arguing. This is perhaps a reason why I burn and tear inside when I see couples of our age hugging/cuddling. I don't think it''s right for me to do that, even internally, but I have no cure for that second of self-hate and flare when I witness that stuff
My father died by the time I was a six year old entering the first grade. The news had come to my mother over at my grandmother's, where me and my mother had left after Dad had pulled one last straw of some sorts. Of course, my mind was wrapped around the family Playstation (and, if I remember correctly, I was playing Gex on it. That was my most favorite disc we had). As I wasn't very intelligent in those times, I merely shrugged it off for a while.
Now, it's only me and my mother (who's just barely clinging to a job being a maid/driver for a rich old woman). I have been cursed with many disorders, and as such I always find myself getting yelled at by my mother. In the 4th Grade, I had been stricken with depression and anxiety (which persists to this very day). This caused even more problems for my teachers and mother (I was most always a good student beyond this demerit). I sunk lower and lower, even with my grades at a great high. I did end up contemplating suicide nearly every moment of my time in class, and that of course resulted in me going to a useless physciatrist who really did nothing to help rather than just lecture me around.
My life's always been tough- while most kids worried about what boy/girl to date I had been having what I'd call "mind-wars". I am not in a depressive mood now, but that could all change in days...hours..minutes..seconds from now. I have always pressured myself to persist even in my deepest of problems, especially since all I want to do is please my mother (who's a nice person) and just survive my hell. There's nothing anybody can do- I'm weak, defenseless and alone in my struggles. You kids are leading a normal life...I am being completely honest when I say that I have never experienced true happiness in 14 years of life.
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My life is still alright, but I fuckin hate it 50 percent of the time nonetheless.
My dad was an alcoholic, but he was the "funny" kind rather than the abusive kind. He'd always go off and do very silly things, like put his two year old son on his 'Davidson without a helmet and drive around with him (Not that I got scathed in the end). He drove my mother (who was always completely sober) insane of course. I do remember my parents arguing over and over about stuff, although my two year old mind couldn't really comprehend what the arguments were about. Either way, I'm most certain it concerned me.
I never did feel loved or cared for throughout my entire life. Yes, my mother bought me toys to keep me entertained (I was fascinated with Teddy Ruxpin- a talking animatronic bear. I had always loved to be talked to, although now that luxury is almost gone since everybody avoids me). I was never hugged, cuddled or experienced any of the other types of affection as a very young child. My life consisted of spending time with toys, since my mother and father were always busy arguing. This is perhaps a reason why I burn and tear inside when I see couples of our age hugging/cuddling. I don't think it''s right for me to do that, even internally, but I have no cure for that second of self-hate and flare when I witness that stuff
My father died by the time I was a six year old entering the first grade. The news had come to my mother over at my grandmother's, where me and my mother had left after Dad had pulled one last straw of some sorts. Of course, my mind was wrapped around the family Playstation (and, if I remember correctly, I was playing Gex on it. That was my most favorite disc we had). As I wasn't very intelligent in those times, I merely shrugged it off for a while.
Now, it's only me and my mother (who's just barely clinging to a job being a maid/driver for a rich old woman). I have been cursed with many disorders, and as such I always find myself getting yelled at by my mother. In the 4th Grade, I had been stricken with depression and anxiety (which persists to this very day). This caused even more problems for my teachers and mother (I was most always a good student beyond this demerit). I sunk lower and lower, even with my grades at a great high. I did end up contemplating suicide nearly every moment of my time in class, and that of course resulted in me going to a useless physciatrist who really did nothing to help rather than just lecture me around.
My life's always been tough- while most kids worried about what boy/girl to date I had been having what I'd call "mind-wars". I am not in a depressive mood now, but that could all change in days...hours..minutes..seconds from now. I have always pressured myself to persist even in my deepest of problems, especially since all I want to do is please my mother (who's a nice person) and just survive my hell. There's nothing anybody can do- I'm weak, defenseless and alone in my struggles. You kids are leading a normal life...I am being completely honest when I say that I have never experienced true happiness in 14 years of life.
----------------------------------------
My life is still alright, but I fuckin hate it 50 percent of the time nonetheless.