Too Nice for My Own Good?

[Blue63]

Not sure if this would be put in "Relationships and Dating" Or "Family and Friends" so feel free to move it around moderators.

Hey everyone! I know I've been MIA from VT for a while, but I'm back now and would love your advice!

So recently I was talking to one of my friends about love and life. She had just recently broken up with her boyfriend and we were talking about our relationship futures. When we were talking, she mentioned that I was "too nice for my own good." It wasn't of any offense to me, but it got me thinking. She wasn't the first person to comment on how innocent and kind I am. These are all wonderful compliments to me, of course. Yet these may be clues to my lack of relationships. Let me give you a little back story:

I'm a Junior in high school and have never dated anyone. It's not really an issue for me, a girlfriend isn't the most important thing in the world. I haven't had my first kiss yet and, in regards to my looks, am referred to as "cute." When it comes to girls I've liked, I usually end up getting stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone. I'm not socially awkward, but I'm kind of a dork. I'm more than okay with who I am!

Now, perhaps you see why "too nice for my own good" got me thinking. I fear that girls will forever cast me as "the nice friend" and never "the boyfriend." Am I going to be perpetually stuck in the friend zone with every girl I meet? I know girls look for nice guys, but apparently my abundant innocence and kindness somehow screws me over. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter! Thanks for reading!

[thiscityisdead]

Well I'd say just stick with being nice cuz it gets the ladies and you just haven't met the right person yet..don't worry it'll all fall into place eventually.

[Art_dude]

Hey Matt, so good to have you back on VT :)
I feel like I can speak about this with great authority seeing as I've personally lived through the dreaded "Friend card" my entire life lol. In short, the solution is to practice refraining from unnecessary niceness. I hear nice guys saying all the time that they don't want to NOT be the nice guy because they think it requires you to change your personality and be a bit of an ass. That's not what it's about - it's about realizing that constant adoration isn't what women want.

You can continue to be the nice guy, just when its warranted. It certainly helps to be a bit cocky and mysterious but it's not necessary. Girls are attracted to sincerity and confidence. Being too nice is what's gonna shoot you in the foot - it can come across as either insincere, a lack of confidence, or both. Obviously you have a great attitude about it - you're not concerned about not being in a relationship but you have a healthy curiosity about why you're not getting out of the friend zone. Just keep asking yourself questions about it. Stay open and when you see an opportunity, pursue it!!!

[TheFame]

Aw your practically me :P

Well you used to be me

I used to be this giddy excited happy cute nice guy. The problem is with being nice is youll only get friends.

One day i decided to change how i acted to test it. I acted very chilled out, very cool, and talked more slower and chilled than i usasually do. I stopped being nice and turned into an honestly blunt ass.

On that same day, one of my friends said "omfg you seem so hot right now idk why. Isint he hot?!" "Yeahh"

Which left me suprised cuz the old me would NEVER get girls XD

Its funner now (:

So too nice for your own good? Well it may not be niceness, it could be your overall actions. just check yourself and you can turn cute to hot ;)

[justalovestruckteen]

I don't think you should change yourself just to get a girl,
the right one will come and love you for your niceness (its possible, I for one love extremly nice guys, those who are affraid to kiss becouse they fear they'll lose control or those who ask permissoin to kiss or mostly just childish ones)

[the8bitter]

I come from the same situation, although I'm actually a freshmen. I have a few female friends that I hang out with from time to time, and they even labeled me as "so sweet you want to strangle him". Eventually, the two of them ended up discussing kissing and mentioned that I'm "too good of a friend to kiss"..whatever that means, yeesh! Not that I'd ever care if they kissed me- to me they are just friends and hell I've known some of them since the day they were born. I never had a girlfriend, but a few girls had crushes on me around the 6th grade (EVERYBODY knew I was the best author and illustrator in class) but I am most certain that they were only flirting/teasing me around. Women love to do that stuff to you in order to torment ya.

[Blue63]

Thank you everyone for all of the help and responses. It's much appreciated!

Well I'd say just stick with being nice cuz it gets the ladies and you just haven't met the right person yet..don't worry it'll all fall into place eventually.

I don't think you should change yourself just to get a girl,
the right one will come and love you for your niceness (its possible, I for one love extremly nice guys, those who are affraid to kiss becouse they fear they'll lose control or those who ask permissoin to kiss or mostly just childish ones)

Being who I am, I don't think a drastic change would be good for me. I really have no desire to completely change every part of me. You're right, I really haven't met the right person yet. In fact, I tend to be attracted to all of the WRONG people! Thanks for you your support!

Hey Matt, so good to have you back on VT :)
I feel like I can speak about this with great authority seeing as I've personally lived through the dreaded "Friend card" my entire life lol. In short, the solution is to practice refraining from unnecessary niceness. I hear nice guys saying all the time that they don't want to NOT be the nice guy because they think it requires you to change your personality and be a bit of an ass. That's not what it's about - it's about realizing that constant adoration isn't what women want.

You can continue to be the nice guy, just when its warranted. It certainly helps to be a bit cocky and mysterious but it's not necessary. Girls are attracted to sincerity and confidence. Being too nice is what's gonna shoot you in the foot - it can come across as either insincere, a lack of confidence, or both. Obviously you have a great attitude about it - you're not concerned about not being in a relationship but you have a healthy curiosity about why you're not getting out of the friend zone. Just keep asking yourself questions about it. Stay open and when you see an opportunity, pursue it!!!

I would certainly have a hard time completely changing my personality. As I look back, I've given out my share of unnecessary kindness. When I like a girl, she tends to be able to do no wrong in my eyes. I'm sure learning what women want is something learned over time, so I understand that realizing all of the little complexities may take a while. Therefore the help is really appreciated!

Although confidence and mystery aren't exactly my strong points, I can definitely believe that they get results. As you know, I've had self-esteem issues in the past. I feel much better about myself now, I just need to bring that to the surface. I've sabotaged possible relationships in the past by not showing enough interest. So when an opportunity arises, I will definitely pursue it in a way I've never been able to before! Thanks so much Alex!

I come from the same situation, although I'm actually a freshmen. I have a few female friends that I hang out with from time to time, and they even labeled me as "so sweet you want to strangle him". Eventually, the two of them ended up discussing kissing and mentioned that I'm "too good of a friend to kiss"..whatever that means, yeesh! Not that I'd ever care if they kissed me- to me they are just friends and hell I've known some of them since the day they were born. I never had a girlfriend, but a few girls had crushes on me around the 6th grade (EVERYBODY knew I was the best author and illustrator in class) but I am most certain that they were only flirting/teasing me around. Women love to do that stuff to you in order to torment ya.

Haha yes, you are absolutely right. Some women really do love to play games. What bugs me the most is not being able to tell when a girl is actually flirting with you or just flirting for fun. It drives me crazy! Good luck to you and thanks for your help!

[DarkHorses]

I absolutely hate guys who try to be cool and flirty and chill or whatever. I think you're better off just being yourself. I hate that people always say nice guys finish last, because I'd much rather date a nice guy than a jerk. And just because someone is "too nice" doesn't mean I'd never want to date them. Every girl finds something different attractive. And if you change yourself to impress the majority of girls, you might be missing out on finding the relationships you're really meant to have.