Suicide

[the8bitter]

For the past 8 years, I have developed an odd cycle of feelings that remain constant every day. The first sector of the cycle involves me feeling happy, sometimes just slightly enjoyed. The second sector is a downward spiral, where I become especially depressed (this sector always initiates a few hours after I enter school) and eventually this leads to the suicidal phase. After a period of 1-5 days, this cycle repeats. I am slowly, slowly recovering from the suicidal phase (which, oddly, only lasted a single day for me) but whenever I am suicidal mentally I truly do mean it when I say I begin making plans to die.

I am not socially accepted by much of anybody (although I do try), school is always a distasteful experience for me even if I am considered "smart" (a very large overstatement on everybody who considers that so- I'm partially retarded! XD) and school is honestly where all of my problems initiate. I may be happy after hours or an a weekend, but I soon (or shortly thereafter) I attend first period I become suicidal again. What the hell is this? It feels as if I am cursed. And, I feel that during one of my suicidal phases that I actually will go through with it granted the least painful method. I talked to everybody- family, friends, and so forth and the problem has persisted. Now everybody tells me to shut up, even my parents when I try to discuss problems. I'm getting really fucking sick of this, and I swear to god I'm going to start killing people if a miracle doesn't happen for me.

[Syvelocin]

I can truthfully say I know exactly what you're going through.

The cycle thing is very similar for me, though each phase lasts about 2-4 months. School is my main stressor. And upon returning to school last week, everything flooded back and here I am on the second week in, and I made my parents pull me out of school.

If it is possible for your family, do you think it would make it better if you weren't attending public school? Usually I suggest to stick it out, but if you're feeling anything like I am (which you sound completely like you do) then maybe you might want to discuss the prospect of home school or online school with your parents. I have just been enrolled in online school, and I'm already feeling 10x happier. You can work at your own pace, finish the day earlier than usual or take as long as you need, and you don't have to physically be anywhere. It's like my dream come true, really =P

Hope something helps you, hugs and kisses.

[the8bitter]

I can truthfully say I know exactly what you're going through.

The cycle thing is very similar for me, though each phase lasts about 2-4 months. School is my main stressor. And upon returning to school last week, everything flooded back and here I am on the second week in, and I made my parents pull me out of school.

If it is possible for your family, do you think it would make it better if you weren't attending public school? Usually I suggest to stick it out, but if you're feeling anything like I am (which you sound completely like you do) then maybe you might want to discuss the prospect of home school or online school with your parents. I have just been enrolled in online school, and I'm already feeling 10x happier. You can work at your own pace, finish the day earlier than usual or take as long as you need, and you don't have to physically be anywhere. It's like my dream come true, really =P

Hope something helps you, hugs and kisses.

I actually presented the home-schooling idea to my mom by the time I was 8 or 9 (can't remember). Me and my mother don't get along on educational stuff, so that rules it out. As for online school, I feel it is a good option but I am afraid of getting distracted by the many other things the internet provides. Thanks! :3