Can anyone help me please?

[cairnsie]

Hi everyone, I created a thread in another part of the forum a few weeks ago but i could really use your help because i am really going through a hard time. A while ago i looked in a magazine and seen a woman who was really beautiful and i couldnt stop staring at her. I never thought anything sexual bout her but then it occured to me i may be attracted to her and since then i have become ridiculously paranoid about my sexuality. I have never looked/thought about women in that way before or felt attracted to a woman, but i panicked because i realised i like looking at women in magazines to look at the clothes but also their bodies because it makes me envious. But i keep questioning everything and thinking is there more to it? Is it ok to look at women, appreciate them and think they are beautiful? I am terrified to look at pretty girls incase i fancy them and i have tried to imagine myself in a relationship with one and kissing one but it terrifies me and i feel ashamed. It does not seem right to me and the thought of liking women or being in a relationship with one depresses me. It doesnt repulse me like i want it to but i just feel indifferent. Maybe because i dont have anything against it but its never done much for me. I have questioned absolutely every aspect of this including all my friendships with women and i cant say i fancy any of them, yet i keep questioning it over and over. I used to enjoy going out and dressing up and looking for guys, dreaming of having a family with one and everything. Now i dont, im terrified a girl will try to kiss me or that i will want to even though i never have wanted to. I'm a very anxious person in general and worry absolutley loads about everything, especially whether ill have sex eventually, get married or find a proper job etc. I know im attracted to guys cos i have had to guys who gave me big butterflies and who i loved being around. But i've also never had a proper/long relationship with one either which is making it worse for me because i thought i would have found a nice guy by now. Sorry for the long winded post but i needed to get it all out and ask those who have been through it. Do you think think i like women or is this my anxiety and me thinking too much about it? i know only i can answer the question i guess but i cant. I know i like guys and never questioned it so why now? I cant eat, sleep or relax because it never leaves my mind and i am terrified of weekends where i am by myself incase i get anxious and think about it. I am worried about how this is affecting my health physically and mentally. I get periods of lucidity and relaxtion where i think ive been acting silly but then it all starts again. My friend says i should kiss a girl and find out, but i dont want to because ive never wanted to and also i am terrified incase i might like it. It all seems so wrong to me but i cant get rid of these thoughts or anxiety about it all which makes it worse and makes me think i might be bi. I'm a 19 year old girl and never thought this would happen at my age, ive never questioned it. I just want life to be back to normal. Thanks for the help everyone. Again apologies for the very long post but, please, can anyone help/ give advice?

[Bawnji]

You said you're envious.
Young women and girls usually desire to look beautiful and attractive.

You also said that you have trouble controlling your anxiety.
Your anxiety problem and your envy towards more attractive women combine to give you this nervous, mixed feeling.

[cairnsie]

Yeah you're right, im just frightened thats all. I have never had this happen to me, i have tried repeatedly to tell myself its the fear and worry. Do you think i should go to the doctors or try and deal with it? it started over a couple of months ago and i cant get on with life, i feel so daft but my minds not listening to me.

[cairnsie]

I also just wanted to say i really hope my post hasnt offended anyone. I have nothing against homosexuals and infact a couple of my male friends are. So i apologise if my post came across in a negative way.

[bond3108]

It's probably just that you're jealous. Try kissing one if the chance arrises, if you like it, don't worry don't feel ashamed it's natural :)

[cairnsie]

its a scary prospect for me and i honestly dont mean any disrespect to homosexuals its just it would be very life changing experience, which is what scares me. The thing is, when the anxiety isnt there, i feel ok, at ease and not bothered...like me again. I sat today at work and felt extremely calm and i sort of realised that it does not matter, however, i do deep down know what i want and that is men. Im not saying that ill get over this by any means, maybe i do like women, but from personal experience i doubt that because out of the thousands of women i have been with and met, i have never felt that way about any of them. I have with men though and i know my excessive worrying is not allowing me to think straight. Im so worried i will be alone for the rest of my life because i havent met the guy i want, which further fuels my excessive worrying. All my friends have bfs which makes me jealous. They all seem to have perfect guys, are happy and know what career theyre going into, but i dont, which gets to me. I hate not knowing, but thats life. I will only try a kiss if it feels right and when i am clear headed but so far, it hasnt felt right and the temptation hasnt been there. I am basing a lot of this on the fact i seen a woman in a magazine who was beautiful, not a real person i know who i have had a crush on. I apologise to everyone if my post came across negatively, i havent nothing against gays, but to have it happen to you personally is a very difficult thing to grasp. I appreciate everyone's help. its nice to speak to people who understand/have been through it.