The line of respect...

[Drekkin]

This is killing me inside my mind.
It's been fucking torturing me since the beginning of high school. Or something along the lines of that. I've already been in high school for three years, and I don't want it to destroy my last year.

Here goes...

Since I started high school, I've maintained that quiet personality. The guy who rarely talks.

The think that happens, though, is that I still respect people. Not that it's a bad thing.

I'm going to try to avoid making a long-ass post...it hurts the eyes sometimes.

I've made some friends so far, joined some clubs, etc. Except, I've always maintained that respect. So long that I've developed some border of respect.

I respect all the girsl in school, and I hardly joke around with them. Same with guys.

I've noticed that that's the fucking reason why I haven't made many friends.

I respect too much. The reason: I don't want to be hated.
I hate that feeling of being hated. I don't think I've ever had it, but I sure as hell don't want it.

Now it's driven me too far. I've respected people too mcuh that now I'm always being disregarded. Ignored.

No one ever jokes around with me because I haven't done the same to them. They're treating me like a teacher.

Even my own friends don't ever joke around with me, and they don't even regard me when it comes time to hang out. (I found out they've been going to the arcade...and didn't even think about asking me if I wanted to go.)

Fucking shit.

Others do the same thing. I've hung out with them before, and I've had fun with them before, but I'm never fucking noticed. Now it feels as if it's too late. I don't want to be treated like a supervisor all the time.


It's making it too hard for me to even try to get a girlfriend...she might not take me seriously.

It's gone too far that now that I fucking have this sort of resentment against them.

I hate them. For having ignored me this whole time. I feel like fucking grabbing a tank of gas and igniting the school in flames. Or atleast punching all of them in the face. Straight on. Maybe then they'll notice.

I dont' want to end up being a psycopath because I've ignored.
I want to pass that line of respect with out making people uncomfortable. I want to be me without really changing my self in a drastic way.........




____________________________________________

This summer I've been working, and taking some summer classes (not remedial). It was fucking awesome. The people were pretty chill, and I haven't had a problem with them. My co-workers, all of them. They've made my summer the best. I've felt included all the time, and it was great. I finally felt happy being at work and in those classes. I felt the real me out there.

Now I don't even want to go back to school because the wolrd I've always dreamt of is going to disappear.

FUCK.

FUUUUCK.

_____________________________________________

I hate those people so much for having fucking made my high school life a subtle, living hell. It's been fucking me so much for these past years...even in fucking middle-school.


At first I cried...but that's happened so much in my freshmen year, that I learned not to give a shit. I've become arrogant and an ass...yet it's still killing me on the inside.


My mind's only looking in to college...but reminding me of having to see those people again makes me want to smash my computer screen.


What can I do so I can live atleast one year of high school without wanting to kill someone? Or alteast give her/him a bloody nose.

I've even gone to the Church of Scientology because maybe it's a deeper problem. But I don't want to resort to that. That's my FINAL resort.


Please, I don't want to resort to that.

[Deathwingo0o]

When I was a freshman, I was a walking food for all bullies. Luckily, my 'godbrother'? was kinda like a boss so everyone treated me like a kid brother and bullied me whenever he wasn't around. Eventually, they stole my things, I told the teacher, caught them, I appologized to them n bought them drinks. Been good friends ever since. Try to be a friend to them, good luck.

[playa85]

This may be oversimplyfing things for you, but i want to give you some advice that might make a difference.....This year...as your back in school.......go buck freaking wild.....not in terms of bad behavior or breaking rules...but do everything socially and interactivally that you havent done yet......Dont give a damn what they may think, just do it....it will make you feel better....

[ackmedsgirl666]

enjoy yourself but don't go too crazy because u don't want to fuck things up for yourself. so have fun but try hard :)

[Aspiringanonymous]

You've said it yourself - respecting people isn't a bad thing. My high school experience was very much similar, being treated like a teacher (and being actually mistaken for a teacher numerous times as well, golly) by most students. People are careful to keep their distance and return the same courtesy that I give them - it's not intentional ignoring, it's simply what they feel is the best thing to do. For example, if you never crack jokes with them, they would naturally think that you find the action distasteful and would be careful not to do so when conversing with you. From how you usually conduct yourself in public, others may come to the conclusion that you do not share the same interests anyway, hence not inviting you out. Most people tend to be content to formulate judgments based on appearance, unfortunately. If you wish to be accepted by the masses, you will have to appear open to them. It's frustrating, I know, but it is the truth - and truths are never pleasant to hear for some reason. We can't change our external environments, but we can control how we react to them to a reasonable extent, if we really make that effort.

Luckily, you only have one year remaining. I personally really enjoyed my senior year, because it was the most academically enriching one - the social scene of things quickly faded into the background as new albeit temporary associations were formed out of academic discussion. I also met two amazing people that year, ones who could relate to my experience of the high school environment, and accepted me for who I was. You never know what could change for the better - be open, and you might be surprised. You mentioned really enjoying work; can you continue working there during the school year, or is it just a summer position?

No matter what happens, hang in there, you'll be out of that place soon. If you need someone to rant to or anything, come to us at any time. :hug3:

[Drekkin]

Thanks so much.

This place has actually helped numerous times before. Flad this is one place I can seek to.

I think I can take a shot at doing something about my senior year. Even if it won't be as desirable, it's still worth a shot, I guess.


Yeah, it's for the summer, but I think they'll be extending it for the fall. Hopefully then for the spring. Definitely for fall. Not so sure about spring, though.