Scarface
August 8th, 2010, 10:14 AM
Supportive Presence.
To those that know,
Where I am today... I am strong. I am worthy. I can be happy. Those things right there just those simple words were so hard for me to understand. So hard for me to say about myself. Why I felt so horrible about who I was as a person. What I had done.I didn't feel strong because I never felt I was good enough for anyone. I never got that acceptance from my family. I never got that assurance that i was a good son. I was never told by my parents that I was loved.I was never hugged when I needed one. When I felt low. When I felt hopeless because I felt like I was that never ending, always in the way fuck up. I didn't feel worthy because I felt I never did anything right. Everything that happened around me was my fault. It was my fault my mother was a drug addict. It was my fault for my families misery. I didn't feel anyone could help me. I fully accepted that weight on my shoulders as a walking and talking failure. I never thought I could be happy because I wasn't worthy of the help and I was too weak. Punishing myself with isolation, self harm, starving myself, thought mutilation. It was a brainwashing I put myself through. As I listened to the screaming in my ear from my father, "You're not normal, what are you some kind of faggot? I'm going to tell you right now if you turn out gay I'll kill you then myself. You've never amounted to anything all you do is sit on your ass all fuckin day and sit in that room." It was like being lectured endlessly, but I was fine with it, I was fine with being hated because I knew it was all my fault.
I still remember when my other overdosed, back in 2004. I was in 5th grade. I had just gotten home from school and usually I see or hear my mom yelling at the TV or see her nod out Sitting on the couch with all of her pill bottles surrounding her sitting there with a cigarette in hand as she would slip in and out of consciousness mumbling words I couldn't understand. This time it was different. I didn't hear the TV, I didn't see her on the couch. I thought she might have went to dads room for something so when I opened up the door, I see my mother. Face down in a pillow. Laying on the bed. So I went to go and check to see if she was alright because it wasn't usually what she did. When I turned her over, her face was turning almost like a blue color. So I called 911 and got her to the hospital. My dad never made it he no one was able to get in contact with him. After she was released from the hospital and she came home... My dad was there... After he found out what had happened, I went to go for my room and I saw him walking over to me out of the corner of my eye. He picked me up by my arms and slammed me up against the wall screaming in my face, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER ANTHONY, WHAT DID YOU DO!!!" My mom had walked off. He kept slamming me in to the wall I could feel my arms tighten up and he grasped them harder as he grit his teeth spitting from his yelling. I couldn't respond to him. I couldn't think. I broke down and started crying. He told me, "Stop crying you little shit, you did this to yourself." I hated this guilt. I hated this misery. Like why couldn't I be a good son? Why did I always have to fuck everything up? Late 2004 almost 2005 near christmas time is where I attempted suicide for the first time. By this time I had completely got into cutting. It was my release. It made me feel good, like a stress reliever. This time I had made a big mistake. I was angry, and I needed to cut bad I felt so shitty. I wanted my instant relief right then and there. So I grabbed my blade and I had sliced on my left arm not knowing how deep I cut until I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. Usually it would stop and a scab would form, but it wouldn't stop and it was going everywhere. I called for my brother this is where he found out I cut. He saw me and panicked, I told him to call 911, I was starting to feel really warm, and my head started feeling weird. My breathing slowed. I had just made it to the hospital...
Please don't ever get to this point in your life. Where you feel you have no one. Where you don't have any other outlet, but to self harm. Where you have to isolate and hurt yourself, emotionally, physically and mentally. Where you take on all the guilt like I did. Where I accepted and took on the blame for every wrong doing that occurred my parents life. It's never your fault for their short coming no matter what it is. Especially if the have an addiction, they want to blame everyone, but themselves for everything bad happening in their life. Whether financially, their own mental stability, even their own actions, which you had nothing to do with. Everything can be so confusing. Everything can be so overwhelming. The emotional roller coaster that you endure while combating your own feelings along with whoever it is in your life doing these things to you. Abuse, creating distress and turmoil and the blame game. Don't ever get sucked up into that cyclone of problems like I did. You can feel happy. You are worthy. You are strong.
They can't beat you down. As hard as it is especially when it involves the people who are supposed to love you. That are supposed to be supportive, caring and loving. Never let that negativity rent space in your thoughts. Realize that no matter what they say to you, when they go off on their tangents, that it's not true. You know who you are. Never let them tell you otherwise. Take my story and if you going through something similar, please don't let what happened to me happen to you. you're not the only one out there, because there is always someone there to help, I am always here, to be that help to be... That Supportive Presence.
~Ronnie
To those that know,
Where I am today... I am strong. I am worthy. I can be happy. Those things right there just those simple words were so hard for me to understand. So hard for me to say about myself. Why I felt so horrible about who I was as a person. What I had done.I didn't feel strong because I never felt I was good enough for anyone. I never got that acceptance from my family. I never got that assurance that i was a good son. I was never told by my parents that I was loved.I was never hugged when I needed one. When I felt low. When I felt hopeless because I felt like I was that never ending, always in the way fuck up. I didn't feel worthy because I felt I never did anything right. Everything that happened around me was my fault. It was my fault my mother was a drug addict. It was my fault for my families misery. I didn't feel anyone could help me. I fully accepted that weight on my shoulders as a walking and talking failure. I never thought I could be happy because I wasn't worthy of the help and I was too weak. Punishing myself with isolation, self harm, starving myself, thought mutilation. It was a brainwashing I put myself through. As I listened to the screaming in my ear from my father, "You're not normal, what are you some kind of faggot? I'm going to tell you right now if you turn out gay I'll kill you then myself. You've never amounted to anything all you do is sit on your ass all fuckin day and sit in that room." It was like being lectured endlessly, but I was fine with it, I was fine with being hated because I knew it was all my fault.
I still remember when my other overdosed, back in 2004. I was in 5th grade. I had just gotten home from school and usually I see or hear my mom yelling at the TV or see her nod out Sitting on the couch with all of her pill bottles surrounding her sitting there with a cigarette in hand as she would slip in and out of consciousness mumbling words I couldn't understand. This time it was different. I didn't hear the TV, I didn't see her on the couch. I thought she might have went to dads room for something so when I opened up the door, I see my mother. Face down in a pillow. Laying on the bed. So I went to go and check to see if she was alright because it wasn't usually what she did. When I turned her over, her face was turning almost like a blue color. So I called 911 and got her to the hospital. My dad never made it he no one was able to get in contact with him. After she was released from the hospital and she came home... My dad was there... After he found out what had happened, I went to go for my room and I saw him walking over to me out of the corner of my eye. He picked me up by my arms and slammed me up against the wall screaming in my face, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER ANTHONY, WHAT DID YOU DO!!!" My mom had walked off. He kept slamming me in to the wall I could feel my arms tighten up and he grasped them harder as he grit his teeth spitting from his yelling. I couldn't respond to him. I couldn't think. I broke down and started crying. He told me, "Stop crying you little shit, you did this to yourself." I hated this guilt. I hated this misery. Like why couldn't I be a good son? Why did I always have to fuck everything up? Late 2004 almost 2005 near christmas time is where I attempted suicide for the first time. By this time I had completely got into cutting. It was my release. It made me feel good, like a stress reliever. This time I had made a big mistake. I was angry, and I needed to cut bad I felt so shitty. I wanted my instant relief right then and there. So I grabbed my blade and I had sliced on my left arm not knowing how deep I cut until I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. Usually it would stop and a scab would form, but it wouldn't stop and it was going everywhere. I called for my brother this is where he found out I cut. He saw me and panicked, I told him to call 911, I was starting to feel really warm, and my head started feeling weird. My breathing slowed. I had just made it to the hospital...
Please don't ever get to this point in your life. Where you feel you have no one. Where you don't have any other outlet, but to self harm. Where you have to isolate and hurt yourself, emotionally, physically and mentally. Where you take on all the guilt like I did. Where I accepted and took on the blame for every wrong doing that occurred my parents life. It's never your fault for their short coming no matter what it is. Especially if the have an addiction, they want to blame everyone, but themselves for everything bad happening in their life. Whether financially, their own mental stability, even their own actions, which you had nothing to do with. Everything can be so confusing. Everything can be so overwhelming. The emotional roller coaster that you endure while combating your own feelings along with whoever it is in your life doing these things to you. Abuse, creating distress and turmoil and the blame game. Don't ever get sucked up into that cyclone of problems like I did. You can feel happy. You are worthy. You are strong.
They can't beat you down. As hard as it is especially when it involves the people who are supposed to love you. That are supposed to be supportive, caring and loving. Never let that negativity rent space in your thoughts. Realize that no matter what they say to you, when they go off on their tangents, that it's not true. You know who you are. Never let them tell you otherwise. Take my story and if you going through something similar, please don't let what happened to me happen to you. you're not the only one out there, because there is always someone there to help, I am always here, to be that help to be... That Supportive Presence.
~Ronnie