blahbullshitblah.

[TigerLily]

this really isn't worth reading, but i think it's time i need to start being honest.

everyone thinks i'm so fine, and the only reason is because i don't tell them otherwise. whenever i'm upset, i turn off my phone, lie, say i'm going out, whatever. completely isolate myself. even to people i know would help me, i jsut don't think i'm worth their time. a really good friend of mine said to me this afternoon how happy he was things were going better for me, when all that's happened is my acting is improved. sometimes i think i should take him up on his offers of calling him when i'm upset etc, but then i remember that i'd be wasting his time. and besides, he's moving away anyway, a whole bunch of my friends are off to uni this autumn >.<

i say i'll never self-harm again. and i still hope i won't. it doesn't mean the urges are any weaker though, i still want to so much. maybe want is the wrong word, sometimes it feels like a necessity. my 'quitting', it's really not out of strength of any sort, just desperation. partly because i'm scared of ending up like my mother, and partly because i'm scared of disappointing her. i try so hard to make her proud, because i know how much i wasted those chances when she was alive. it really doesn't feel like four months at all; somedays it feels like yesterday. i still can't manage a day without crying over her, and i'm sure i'd feel guilty if i did.

i'm scared of having another major breakdown, the kind that lasts for months. i jsut want to disappear, to fall comatose or something. i want to grow up, so i can move somewhere so far away from here. i just need to escape, and i can't. i feel like such an attention whore writing all this, but i just can't say it to anyone in real life, idk.

[Azunite]

Well Rachel, IMO, this was worth reading.
People also think I am pretty good, they think I am handsome, wise and a trusted man. What they don't know is that I don't want them to say so because what other people say wont boost my morale. I sometimes love being isolated because then nobody know what I am doing, nobody sees me. I both want extreme attention from others and escape from others like you.
Bothering other people with my problems feels me kinda... i don't know. Guilty? Stupid?
Don't be scared to have a major breakdown, you may have a hard time, keeping yourself from doing self-harm.
Oh, and attention whore? We are all same here :)

[welcome_to_chaos]

i agree with him ^ but u know im always gunna be here for u. so will ur other friends. instead of pushing them away talk to them about how u feel.stay strong rachel and ull get theu this :) :hugs:

[georgiamay]

Ok, this was worth reading.
And i know what you mean, about everyone thinking you're getting better, but maybe you should tell someone how you feel, and stop hiding from everyone. Take him up on his offer of calling him up when you're upset, because the fact that he offered means you won't be wasting his time, he obviously wants to help you, and he wants you to call him when you're upset. Maybe it would help you.

And as for being an attention whore? well, no you're not, because this site if for people who want to listen, and people to post their feelings and ask for help. And that's what you did :) don't feel that way, because that makes most people on this site attention whores :)

You can PM me if you ever need to talk, i'm always here.

[Azunite]

This site IS made for attracting attention, because we need each other and we are all one ( probably the wisest thing i said on this forum now )
So stand firm, forget your problems and focus on others, that will keep your mind busy so you will be get rid of your own problems now.

Well I am not female and I never understand this girl stuff but like then again, feel free to PM me too now.

[DanielBoy]

I first want to say my theory on why people harm themselves, if you don't already know. Self harm is the brains way of turning an internal pain that is not easily seen, into an outward sign of what you are feeling and a physical pain associated with that grief. Although you may not know it, it is a cry for help. Loosing a family member, especially a mother, has to be very hard, and I cannot begin to try and assimilate how you feel. You need to talk to people, you are not a waste of time, your friends care about you, and want to help. If you are feeling down, the act of talking to someone who cares about you, even if it is completely unrelated to what you are feeling, can make you feel better. I used to be manic depression, and it took a few years, but I have learned to control it. It always helps me get out of a down by doing stuff I don't really want to do, like going out with friends, doing something fun, or just talking with someone. You may not feel like it, but if will help. Next time you are feeling down, call him and talk to him, you will be glad you did. :D

I hope I helped. :D

[Art_dude]

I'm so sorry hun :(

Since everyone here has posted great practical advice, I thought I'd write about your fear of potentially having a future meltdown since I've personally experienced such fears. You know what you can do? nothing. zip. nada. You can not control your emotions which are the unconscious's way of telling you how you feel. Emotions are a reactionary phenomenon - they happen as a result of how you feel because of something. Unless you can control outer circumstances, you can't control emotions. We can not control these things. However we CAN control how we REACT to these emotions and the extent we let them cripple us.

Anyone here who's had episodes of depression knows that after a while, you develop a premonition when you feel one coming on...I can almost predict to the week when I'm heading down a slippery slope. One of my favorite buddhist teachers, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, has a good way of putting it. We can either dread its coming, or deludedly be happy till it comes. OR we can take the middle path and be in a mindset of indifference, allowing our natural curiosity about emotions to not be frightened by the looming presence of a bout of depression. This is what I've been doing since my last episode of depression and it helps significantly. By remaining in a 'limbo' state, we cushion the fall - if we were high off of happiness, it would seem crushing. If we were already depressed by its coming, it will come as no surprise, but the time we spent feeling depressed will have erased potentially happy moments from entering our lives. Staying neutral allows us the opportunity to feel happiness when it comes, but not to attach to it. It allows us to not feel crippled when the depression comes crashing back down. I do caution however, that "too much analysis, can lead to paralysis!" When the pain gets too strong, know when to dig yourself out and distract yourself. It's o.k. to go to the dark places, that's where we learn the most about ourselves, but don't let it cripple you :) I hope I've helped. I know that's a lot to take in lol. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[nick]

You know I'm always here if you need me, its never too often or a waste of my time.

Oh, and you know I got you on msn the other night, well the day you posted this, Thursday it was, just after I got back from Ireland. Well of course I called you up because of this post, then all you wanted to talk about was how my brother was and how I was. Now that shows what a lovely person you are.

<3