I thought i was over this.

[georgiamay]

Well, obviously I'm not.
I spent ages telling myself that my mum had changed, and that she isn't like that anymore.
No Georgia, Your mum won't slip up.
She won't buy vodka again and make you feel guilty about confronting her about it.
She won't make you feel guilty about Feeling the way you do about everything.
And I know this is some what true to an extent.
She won't do any of these things unless I provoke her.
And what if I end up like her? Then what? I don't want to do that to my kids.
But the thing is, maybe I can't avoid it. Her blood runs through my veins. I'm just like her in so many other ways, maybe I’ll be like her in that way too.
I got addicted to cutting, she got addicted to alcohol.
Why do I feel so guilty about this? I love my mum so much, but I used to want to cut her out of my life after everything she's done to me, but now I love spending time with her.
I don't know if I can forgive her yet. I want to, I love her to much, but I don't want her to hurt me like that again.
But I kind of feel responsible for her, I couldn't tell her how I feel about any of this, that would be provoking her, and then she'll slip up, buy alcohol, and blame me.
I'm sick of this. I don't want to go on; I just want to shut everything out.
Just leave everything behind and go nowhere.
Just go to sleep and never wake up again.
But that wouldn't be very responsible now would it?
Imagine what she'd do then.
So I'm stuck in this life, and the reason I want to leave is the reason I can't.
I don't want to kill myself, at all.
But I don't want to live.
I don't see the point, if all I'm going to do is end up like her.
I love her so much, and I have to protect her from myself, and if that means leaving, then fine. But that wouldn't be protecting her. She'd probably kill herself like she tried to do when my dad left her.
How am I supposed to protect her when I’m around? I’m what hurt’s her the most. But I know that she does love me. I can’t leave her. Whatever she does after I leave will be all my fault.
Why do I feel responsible for her? Shouldn’t it be the other way round?
Why can’t I just walk away from everything? The nightmares, the responsibility, the guilt I have that all relate back to her.
It’s not her fault though; she couldn’t help it when she went down that road.
She was depressed.
She went up and down, up and down, up and down over and over again.
She couldn’t take it.
I couldn’t take it.
I can’t take it.
If it’s not her fault, then why am I saying it’s all because of her? Am I that narrow minded? Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe it’s all her fault.
The point is it happened.
Nothing can change that. But what if it happens again with my kids if I even have any?
I don’t want to do that to my kids.
I don’t want to do that to anyone, and what she did to my dad was horrible. I don’t want to do that either.
So why should I live? If all I am capable of is hurting other people, why should I live?
I want to live. But I don’t at the same time.
Why am I so confused?
Nothing that goes through my head makes sense anymore; every thought I have goes on to contradict itself.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t.
This makes no sense, it’s basically me babbling my thoughts out, which kind of shows, that nothing makes sense.
One tiny little speck of a thought spreads into a huge overwhelming pile of shit inside my head that just makes no sense, and I just can’t get rid of it. I wish I could, but I just can’t.
I won’t kill myself, I know that much. I love my mum too much to do that to her. What would she do then? The one thing in her life that triggered everything bad she did is the one thing that if she loses, the exact same thing would happen.
It’s a lose-lose situation really.
And my dad! Well, he’s been through too much, and he doesn’t deserve any of it.
What if I just didn’t exist? If I wasn’t born none of this would have happened.
But, when my parents say they’re glad that I was born, I believe them. I know they love me, and if they knew I think like this I can’t even begin to imagine how hurt they’d be.
I feel so selfish for even having these thoughts. They don’t deserve for me to be thinking this about them. They deserve so much more than that.
They deserve a perfect daughter that will love them, and look after them, and just be generally perfect.
And I can’t give that to them. And I hate that I can’t give that too them.
Because sadly, I’m human.
Why can’t I just be perfect, just so they can get what they deserve?
Because I’m fucking human, that’s why. And I hate it.
I could go on forever about a load of crap, because that’s what happens inside my head. Things develop, and they grow, and they can’t stop growing, and they eat away at me from the inside out, until they start to show on the surface, and I try and I try to beat them away, but they just keep clawing there way back. I hate them, I just wish I could think about normal things, and those normal things wouldn’t suddenly become depressing fucked up thoughts that make me want to scream.
But if I do that, people would stare.
My parents don’t deserve a child like me. Why can’t I be different?
Right, I’m going to shut up now. Maybe these thoughts will disappear in my sleep, so let’s hope I get to sleep tonight.

I'm not sure what the point in this thread is, it's kind of pointless, so sorry if you wasted your time reading it.

[Paladino]

Georgia, im sure if you told your Mum what you just told us in this thread she would understand. Maybe you should talk to her about it, explain to her how you feel about her alcohol addiction and try and help her to cut down on the alcohol and then eventually stop drinking all together, if she ends up off the alcohol it will be better for the two of you. We all love our Mums very very much and wouldnt want this to happen to ours so try and help her as much as you can.

[georgiamay]

sorry, but the thing is my mum doesn't drink anymore. I probably should have made that clearer sorry :/ I have found the occassional bottle of vodka here and there. Thank you for the reply though :)

The thing is everytime she has bought vodka it's been because of something to do with me, that's what gets to me.

Sorry for not making that clear enough :/

[Kaius]

I agree, talking to your mum about it might put your mind at ease. But just because shes your mum, doesn't mean you're going to go through the same thing. Addiction isn't an inherited thing. Sure you can learn from your mum, but that doesn't mean you have to. Your life is going to be how you live it, not by inheriting it off of someone else, you see what I mean? I used to have the same thoughts about my mum, we're not biologically related, but i used to panic over the thought of becoming an alcoholic like her, because i linked my addiction to self harming with her drinking, and it took me a little while to realise it's not the same, and im the one in control of how i live my life. You may think that they deserve the perfect child, but have you ever thought that maybe you are perfect to them? As it was suggested before, talk to your mum about things, i'm sure it will help at least a little. If you need to talk you can pm me at any time, i'll be happy to listen. I'm glad to hear she's stopped drinking though. Its great she's overcome it. It will take a while for that trust in your mum to come back, but it will eventually.

[Paladino]

sorry, but the thing is my mum doesn't drink anymore. I probably should have made that clearer sorry :/ I have found the occassional bottle of vodka here and there. Thank you for the reply though :)

The thing is everytime she has bought vodka it's been because of something to do with me, that's what gets to me.

Sorry for not making that clear enough :/

Oh its fine. Its a good thing she doesnt drink anymore. In future if she buys vodka and its because of you, talk to her about it and dont let her drown her sorrows with a bottle of vodka because drinking when your sad or angry or in some sort of bad mood it exaggerates your mood.