i think about things way too much

[1_21Guns]

im just lay on my bed, wishing i could close my eyes and not wake up.
when i realised those thoughts were running through my head, i tried to make sense of why, nothing that drastic has happened to knock me that far back so suddenly.
first thing that ran into my head was the fact his blood is running through my veins. those genes, my head filled up with memories i'd rather forget.
my dad and all that crap hasn't bothered me for months, so why all of a sudden is it bothering me again?
yeah i still stare at the house when i walk past, i dont quite know why i do that either. everytime i see a car that's like his, my heart stops. fear just runs through me. i think i need to talk all that stuff out again, but i did that last summer a million times, when it bothered me then. it's like repeating myself again.
why's everything seem to hurt so much all of a sudden?
i'm not used to feeling anything.
infact i'm so tempted to make myself that numb again.
numb to all emotions, feelings, anything.
but i can't, because that would mean crawling back into the corners of my room with a razor. which means throwing 61 days away, and doing that, would be rather stupid.
although i guess i am just stupid. *shrugs*
frankly, if i died right now, i don't think it would be soon enough.

[Scarface]

:hug:
Natalie,

You really don't want to throw 61 down the drain, you have worked too hard to get where you are now, you really don't want to give in now. Remember we never give up. The numb feeling is finally starting to go away, but it's not always a good thing. In your case sitting in your room pondering through your thoughts, you end up in the past. Bringing quite unpleasant memories back into mind and brings you very uncomfortable feelings. I know you're not used to feelings anything, but this isn't such a bad thing anymore, you can have your feelings back! Which when i stopped cutting I never knew I had.

When you say you have talked it through a million times like you did last summer, it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. Even though you're repeating yourself, it's consistency, consistency, consistency. Which means that the more you talk things out and you work through them with help things will become a lot easier. That option is not at your disadvantage.

I know how it feels to have a fear of "father" as I did all of my life, when he came home where he went, to me he was a walking talking hell raiser. Is he still in your life?

Natalie, you know I'm always here for you :heart:

[1_21Guns]

:hug:
Natalie,

You really don't want to throw 61 down the drain, you have worked too hard to get where you are now, you really don't want to give in now. Remember we never give up. The numb feeling is finally starting to go away, but it's not always a good thing. In your case sitting in your room pondering through your thoughts, you end up in the past. Bringing quite unpleasant memories back into mind and brings you very uncomfortable feelings. I know you're not used to feelings anything, but this isn't such a bad thing anymore, you can have your feelings back! Which when i stopped cutting I never knew I had.

When you say you have talked it through a million times like you did last summer, it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. Even though you're repeating yourself, it's consistency, consistency, consistency. Which means that the more you talk things out and you work through them with help things will become a lot easier. That option is not at your disadvantage.

I know how it feels to have a fear of "father" as I did all of my life, when he came home where he went, to me he was a walking talking hell raiser. Is he still in your life?

Natalie, you know I'm always here for you :heart:

Thank you so much Ronnie,

no he's not, I refuse to see him. my mum forced me a few times, then I had an epic breakdown, so she stopped forcing me. now everything to do with him won't go away. i really should get rid of all the diarys, probably find a better place to keep the photos, but there you go...

thanks again hun :heart:

[Scarface]

Good. Sometimes getting rid of old memorabilia and starting fresh is the best way to get well! Like I still have a few old things, but I keep them packed in a box where I don't ever open. It's like a pretend there's a lock on it. I'm glad you don't have to see him anymore Natalie. I'm glad I could be of some help. :heart: