I'm done

[DrkZ90]

There, I'm done, I give up, I tried to make things better for the last time.

I did my best, for 6 years now I tried everything I could to avoid getting to this point. I failed, badly.

I tried to keep the friends I thought I had, but I lied to myself, I had none.
I tried to make new friends, but history repeated itself.
I tried to get along better with my family, but they treated me worse.

The pain is just too much to bear anymore, I can't go on like this anymore, dreading going to bed every night, breaking down and crying until I faint, even to the point of getting physically ill.

Days are no better than nights, since I have to just "suck it up" and pretend everything is perfect as always.

I feel hopeless, helpless,worthless, lonely and overall worse than I've ever been. The suicide thoughts are back, more vivid than ever, and I'm back to hurting myself, just worse than I've ever had, with bruises and small cuts done in a way nobody can see during the day. Petty suicide attempts are also now part of several nights, thankfully (?) so far I've lacked the skills, strength and tools to kill myself, only getting to the point of fainting and waking up the following morning with a sore throat and neck.

I just want to end all this for good, to never feel again, to not have to see and feel the hate from all the people I once thought loved me.

I don't know what's the point of this thread, but I guess that, if I am going to disappear any moment now, at least whoever reads this (if anyone at all) deserves to know why I never came back.

I'm really sorry Greg, I failed. You deserve someone better.

[Rutherford The Brave]

Well, do what you must. I don't condone suicide, but if your just going to give up I won't stop you. It's selfish dude, your just going to not try to turn things around. Rather you'd try to take away the most sacred thing you have, because it's too hard? It's hard for the lot of us. We've had our battle with suicide, we've been close and we've all seen what it does. You do it now you'll never know how badly you hurt everyone. Regardless of how you think they think of you. So please, let me be the first to tell you that I am deeply upset that your "quitting." I just wish you'd think this through.

[DrkZ90]

6 years of trying only made it all worse, why would I want to try to "turn things around" as you put it any more?

"Hurt everyone"? yeah right... my "friends" and family would be hurt, because this piece of crap they used as a punching bag is gone and they would have nobody else to hurt and use again.

The only person who would be truly hurt is Greg, but I'm sure he will be better without me, he deserves someone better... besides, we have never even met in real life... and the way things are going, I'm afraid we never will.

[emt.Cam]

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. Everyone goes through life with heartache and troublesome times. Pain gets to us in the worst ways but it's the challenge. Imagine how you will feel when you over this, how strong you will be. Obstacles in life are meant to challenge us and make us stronger over time. We learn from our mistakes and it's a journey. No one said it's going to be an easy journey: we all learn our own ways. I'm afraid that this mistake you're looking to make is the wrong one. You'll never know how it could of ended. This mistake may be one of the easiest to make but it's the most selfish in the worst ways. You'll never get that chance again but I can't stop you: I just want to help. Feel free to PM me

[Jason Ruechel]

You only have one life. As bad as it may be. The most stupid thing you could ever do is throw it away.

[DrkZ90]

idk... sadly, I'm still alive, and still feeling like crap, nothing is any better than it was yesterday, and it isn't looking like it will...

How can I keep on going like this? I'm lonelier than I've ever been, and that's pretty bad

[Rutherford The Brave]

idk... sadly, I'm still alive, and still feeling like crap, nothing is any better than it was yesterday, and it isn't looking like it will...

How can I keep on going like this? I'm lonelier than I've ever been, and that's pretty bad

Look, if your thinking this way why not try to go out with a bang. Seriously, pull out all the stops to make it better. If it doesn't get better and you go back to being suicidal then you can make the call.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Emotions are powerful forces, and dealing with them is no easy task, I know. Sometimes they overwhelm us to the point where we are aware of nothing else but its ominous presence. When that happens, just take it one day at a time, because at some point it will subside - nothing ever stays constant after all.

It will be okay. If you have no faith, feel free to take some of mine, because I do have faith in you. That these feelings will change, circumstances will change, and you will live to witness them. Be open, be patient, be courageous.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. You don't have to be alone hun, I for one can relate to your experience, and surely many others on here are able to as well in some way.

Take care for now. :hug3:

[DrkZ90]

I think I owe you all the reason why I got to this point... I think I need to get it off my chest too, and perhaps someone can think clearer than me about it...

On previous posts, I told you about this guy (which I used to have feelings for, but had been getting over them as of late)... how he was the first person to ever see through my fake smiley, the first one to ask me face to face "what's wrong?"... he was the closest I had to a real friend, even if he was an asshole most of the time...

He is mad at me now, he completely hates me, and I don't even know what happened... last time I talked to him and spent any time with him, I was helping him with his exams, so he would approve them, and wouldn't be sent away to a boarding school he didn't want to go to... I had a lot of stuff to do at that time, but I sacrificed that to help him since it was very important to him, and he was very depressed about it... he passed all his exams (although he didn't tell me, I had to ask someone else) and I failed 2 of my exams... yet I was happy, since I got to keep the person I considered the closest I have to a real friend next to me...

Then, he simply stopped talking to me... He wouldn't reply whenever I called him or sent a "hi" through IM or Facebook... nothing, it was like I didn't exist for him.

about a week and a half ago, he started replying from time to time, insulting me... whenever I said anything to me, he would insult me, tell me to fuck off or to shut up, and block me from sending him any IMs for the rest of the day...

And a couple of days ago, he went on for a couple of minutes, calling me an annoying piece of crap, with some insults not worth repeating, and blocked me again on IM... then he went on removing me as a friend on facebook (and on msn too later that day), and now he won't say anything to me at all... he still doesn't answer the phone when I call, and both times I've seen him around th at I said "hi" he looks at me with an expression full of hatred without saying a word, then looks away...

And that brought me beyond myself, worse than I've ever been... because I don't even know what happened, all I know is that he hates me, period. I used to think that he would be the real friend I had been looking for, someone I could trust and rely on no matter what... that "light at the end of the tunnel"... the last bit of faith I had of there been any chance of things ever getting better...

And that of course triggered all the memories from the past, of how fucked up everything is, of how I have no way out of this despite everything I've tried...

[Aspiringanonymous]

My apologies for the late reply, I have been struggling with a lot of confusion myself as of late. But I feel that you may be waiting for a response, so I will try my best.

If I've learned anything through interacting with humans, it is that independence is crucial if one wishes to be balanced - and for that balance to last. Even if another person has genuine intentions, they are still prone to unexpected change as time goes on, and every meeting will eventually be closed with a parting. These dynamics in itself are a part of nature's cycle and not anyone's fault - although, the way an individual handles it may be reflective of irresponsibility and imperceptiveness. To suddenly cut off contact with a close friend and offer no opportunity for a civil discussion, is a perfect example of that.

You must, at some point, learn to rely primarily on yourself. Sure, we all need the help of others in times when we cannot trust ourselves, but your inner foundation should still be you at the end of the day, and not another person - because you cannot suddenly disappear and leave yourself hanging like the way other people can. Perhaps, this is the lesson which the experience is here to convey. It's totally okay to rely on someone in difficult times, just do not forget that it is not your final goal, but rather a stepping stone to assist you further.

The motives behind this person's actions are no longer important, as they are no longer a part of your life anyway. The main focus right now should be to move on and adjust to life without them. If they don't want to be friends anymore, the best thing you can do for you both is to respect that choice and let them go.

And as you are looking ahead, consider this encounter as a half successful trial. It did make things better for some amount of time, so there is evidence that it is possible to get better - although it is not easy. There is no such thing as starting over, because every experience is an opportunity to learn, and the new understandings gained will be useful in preventing a repetition of similar mistakes in the future. Since there is no set formula for 'getting better', it will have to be a process of trial and error for each individual - and the persistent, will be successful.

If all of this is too much to take in right now, that's okay, give yourself some time to deal with your emotions, as it is never easy to lose someone close. Hope you are okay. :hug3:

[Azunite]

Well I would never think of suicide. Life is the best gift can be given to any Man and it is just a bad turn of events thats all.
Change might be good but... I don't know man, I hıpe you are not exxagerating because it is hard to turn the tide in your positin.
And do you know why your best friend abandoned you? If you dont, cuss and swear on him like there is no tomorrow!
We have a turkish saying "Grasshopper wont hop after the second time." Maybe in your next tide you will be lucky, who knows.
But never think of suicide man, Call of Duty Black Ops and Assassins Creed is soon coming out, now you wouldn't want to miss them right? :D

[Nexus]

Winterfell, would you quit trying to make the guy feel guilty? A clearly suicidal person is the last person you want to debate with. Regardless of how you feel about suicide as a mainstream issue, there's no reason to allow your personal beliefs to overtake you and make the person feel even worse.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you're having to contemplate on whether or not you want to keep living. The best bet for you is to talk with other people, in person, who are going through similar experiences. I recommend checking into Alateen. I know the biggest fear of yours will be spilling all of your problems to random strangers. After awhile you'll see that you're not the only one suffering from these kind of thoughts and there are alternatives to killing yourself. You might even make a friend or two out of it.

Since this Greg you speak of seems to be someone very special to you, keep him on your mind and use your affection for him as reason to keep on chugging through these problems you've been having. I know it will seem impossible sometimes, but it's nothing you can't handle and nothing as difficult as taking your own life. Keep that in mind.

If you need anymore advice or any help outlets to contact, feel free to drop me a message and I'll try to help you out as much as I can.

[DrkZ90]

I'm back, and alive, although I'm sure that's not a good thing...

I doubt I could ever trust someone else about any of this in person... I just wouldn't feel comfortable enough... this guy that I considered the closest to a best friend I'd ever had... he was the first one to see through my fake smile, and the first person who ever ask me if there was something wrong, and the first person I told that I was feeling pretty bad about "everything in my life"... a couple of weeks later, he does this...

And all that gets piled up with college work... I feel suffocated, mentally exhausted, which increases the desperate feeling of having nowhere to go, nothing I can do about it and just trapped, fearing the next time I will explode ad try to hang myself again... dreading every night, when all I do is cry until I lose consciousness. I don't like that life at all, and I don't want to live through that any more... the last 5 years of it have been more than I should have stood, specially when I think I've tried everything I could think of to make things better, and it all blew up in my face, and just made it all worse...

And to add on top of that my birthday... if it hadn't been for facebook and other reminders, nobody would've even remembered... besides, that's a time of the year I hate, because my birthday just brings some memories I would rather forget.

I'm not sure why I am replying, I guess today was a day I could last long enough before breaking down to finish posting this...

[The Flightless Hawk]

you are not worthless. you are not powerless. the world might seem dark now, but have you ever seen a sunny day after a long storm. the first flower poking its head through the cold snow. the way it all works out at the end of the book. right now it might seem it will never get better, but you have not lived even a quarter of your life yet. you have to break through the darkness and it might take a while but it will feel so good when you do. you think no one will miss you? I will miss you, VT will miss you, the world will miss you, and your family will miss you, it might not seem like it but they will, they will miss you. you have so much life to live, so much love to give. Stay alive, if not for yourself, then for the people of your furture, the people who are going to come into your life soon. if you can't live for yourself, live for them. Life is love, you can't have one without the other. To give and recieve love, you need life. so live and wait for the love that will come to you. i send you my love with this message, i only hope this helps because you are worth it.

[DrkZ90]

I've never seen snow first hand, we don't even have proper seasons here...

people here and the world barely knows me, if at all, I doubt anyone would even realize I'm gone...

and I know for a fact my family would be glad... they would still have the son they always wanted, my brother, and would be rid of the money-wasting failure... they've said it before, and it's easy to tell everyday that they really mean it...

The last 5 years have showed me that the "people in my future" are no different than the people in my past, since every person I've met has been either just as bad, or even worse...

I no longer know what to do with myself, I have no way out, even at killing myself I seem to fail...

[Aspiringanonymous]

If you weren't able to die anyway, that's fate telling you that you might as well live. If you don't know what to do, then don't get thinking about doing anything - just take things one step at a time, as they come. Don't pressure yourself to be making decisions and figuring things out right now, when your mind is unclear, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on calming down. When you're able to focus better, you might just discover new opportunities that you've never noticed before.

I believed for a very long time that my death would benefit my parents too, but you know what, you've done nothing wrong at all by being born - they are the ones that brought you to this life, very likely without your consent, so they must take responsibility for their action. If they have a problem with contributing time and money towards raising you, then they themselves are ignorant and selfish. Never blame yourself for existing.

Yes, you will meet distasteful people and situations that will end up hurting rather than helping, and that's bad luck. It's not your fault, and it's definitely not a set-in-stone pattern. Luck is an uncertainty - one never knows just when an endless stream of bad luck would be broken by genuine good luck. I know what it's like to feel hopeless - it can be very debilitating - but that doesn't change the fact that there always is a possibility of changes happening for the better, right? It's simply the tendency of the human brain to seek out patterns and make predictions off of them, but that has always been prone to fallacy.

Look at all the people that have been replying to you in this thread. People do care hun, but you've got to give them a chance. Someone once said that for those who do reach the light at the end of the tunnel, they'll realize that every moment of the pain endured to get there was worthwhile. I haven't reached it yet either, but I think there is truth to what they say.

Hang in there. Stay strong. :hug3:

[Sordid Saint]

"Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves and flip em dont expect no help
Now i could have either just stayed at home sit on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation with which im placed in and get up and kick my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
And sat on the porch and hope and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place every school i went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
And edna always told me keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile im just standing there holding my tongue trynwa twalk like dwis
Then i stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cuz i wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
But i already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cuz where you see it from where your sittin its probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in eachothers shoes at least
What size you wear? i wear tens
Lets see if you can fit your feet"

[slappy]

What you have said sheds light on the point of that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If he is mad at you. He will get over it and if he dosnt, you need to move on

[DrkZ90]

idk... today I realized it's been 3 months already, and it hurts a lot more each day... specially because of my dreams... that remind me how much he hates me, and how happy I was when I thought I had finally found a true friend...

[phill1]

its happen to me i did not have no friend. i like fixing cars and it was one boy that live nextdoor to me he was 7 years younger than me and he started to come to my house
every day and we fixt cars. we went on bike ride play on the xbox. and for the firts time in my life i was happy this went on for 2 years so we made good friend

then one day we had a fall out and his parents put a stop to him to come to see me

for 2 years after that i had no friends then i started to make new friends and life is ok now.

look to the look to the futcher. i will be your frend. if you have facebook pm me

[Lostboy]

Death isnt the answer. plz read my post on depression advice you might learn something. your an important person to the world weather you know it or not. once you learn to live a more positive way, things will defiantly get better for you and opportunities will present them selfs. don't say you cant get better because no one can foresee the future. don't let things you cant control ruin your life. everything happens for a reason. you deserve to find peace and serenity.

http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=82557