What have I become?

[kidkizzet]

What have I become??
As I was attempting to sleep this morning, that question came to mind. I don't know what's up with me.
I'm saying things that I don't mean.
I'm saying things to people when, in a way, I wish I didn't tell them. I don't want to make anyone feel depressed, or to disturb someone when they're busy or whatever.
There's someone I need to talk to, I need to properly talk to them. I don't want to though. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm not sure of how they may respond, or whether it's because I just want them to get on with their life.
I feel more confused than ever.
I hope like hell that I can go 77 days without cutting. It does kinda seem though, that with the way things currently are, that may be harder than before.
I feel like writing the words 'fuck up' all over my arm.
I feel like such a failure and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
I do things I don't want to do, I say things I don't want to say.
The last few days have been harder than any other days of my life and it suprises me that I'm not as suicidal as I have been in the past.
This thread doesn't even have a purpose, but I felt like making it.
Everything feels so fucked up.
I'm fucked up.
I don't know what's happening to me.
I don't feel safe.
I'm more scared than I have ever been before.
I don't think I can go on like this much longer.
The next few weeks will be so hard, I'm not sure if I can cope.
I want an energy drink right now. I had one yesterday and I probably won't be allowed one today. I could do with one though, it would help.
I once promised that I would never kill myself. I'm scared that I might do, even if I don't want to.
I don't want to live like this.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I've become.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Dear kidkizzet,

I believe that deep down, there is a part of each individual that will always remain true, and pure, as it was when it first came to inhabit the human body - and it always will be. The soul, the essence, the inner child, whatever you want to call it - the point is, no matter how our experience of life and the external world changes, deforms us on the surface, we will not lose our true selves completely.

Most of us will inevitably lose touch with our essence at some point, as it is a fragile thing. Thus, the more suffering and corruption we endure, the deeper it will bury itself inside us, to hide from the hostile outside world, to preserve itself. Remember though, that just because its presence is no longer apparent, doesn't mean that it has disappeared for good. It is still there, and it always will be there - and when a time comes where it would be safe for it to return, it's up to you to reach for it again.

For now, as I have said before, just acknowledge the confusion - be weary of it, but don't fight it - confused thoughts only begets more confused thoughts, and you know that will do more harm than good. Trust no thought except the one that is aware of the fact that no thought can be trusted. Hold on to the awareness of this state of confusion, but remain detached from all other competing voices in your mind.

I will always be here for you hun, always. You are a rare soul with so much potential, and I want to help you reach it. Please, do not lose heart.

Thinking of you. :hug3:

[kidkizzet]

thanks Maya.

[georgiamay]

cody, you're not a failure. don't worry about being confused, that's normal, people get confused. Just keep going, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. This person you said you wanted to talk to, maybe talking to them would be a good idea, because it's such a horrible feeling when you're wondering what might have happened if you had said it; it's worse than wondering what would have happened if you hadn't said it.

I wish i could help more, but all i can really think of right now is just letting you know that from what i've seen in your posts, you're not a fuck up, you're a strong, caring guy, and you don't deserve to feel like this.

You can PM me if you ever need/want to talk, i'm always here :) :hug:

[kidkizzet]

thanks. I'm feeling better today, I feel like myself again. A lot has happened in the last 24 hours, thankfully all for the bette. My life has kinda been improving in the last few months but obviously I'm still having hard times some days. Thanks for what you've said, it makes me feel better than I already do, and it reinforces things that i'm aware of. I did talk the person I wanted to talk to and that was the turning point yesterday. :)
Anyways, just yeah, thanks for everyting you said. :D It made me feel better.

[georgiamay]

thanks. I'm feeling better today, I feel like myself again. A lot has happened in the last 24 hours, thankfully all for the bette. My life has kinda been improving in the last few months but obviously I'm still having hard times some days. Thanks for what you've said, it makes me feel better than I already do, and it reinforces things that i'm aware of. I did talk the person I wanted to talk to and that was the turning point yesterday. :)
Anyways, just yeah, thanks for everyting you said. :D It made me feel better.

Good :) i'm glad you talked to them, i'm taking it it went well?

and i'm glad things are looking up for you :)

[kidkizzet]

Yeah, everything went well. We talked and I realised things, we just had a big discussion about a few things in life and it all helped me.

And thanks. I hope things are looking up for you as well. And congratulations on 45 days, I know it's hard, but you're going to get through it. :)