rough night.

[georgiamay]

basically, me and my dad had a fight last night, and then after a while, i felt like i just wanted to die. It wasn't the fight that did it, the fight i could handle; it was when i took the dog out and i started thinking about why the fight started, and all i could think of was me. I cause all of the fights we have, and everytime my dad points out something wrong with me, i know it's true. And all the things that are wrong with me are basically the things the make up the majority of my personality, and i really hate myself right now. Last night it was worse, i was so close to throwing the last 44 days away, and just cutting myself as much as i could. I made myself take the dog for a walk instead, which was a good idea i suppose, except that's where i started thinking a bit more.

I started to cry so hard i could hardly walk, and i sat in the middle of the field and just cried. I ended up thinking to myself, "Life would be so much better for everyone else if i wasn't here." And i think it took me about a minute to tell myself that was stupid. I called my friend and had a 47 minute conversation, and ended up feeling much better, after i did that, and then through my dogs lead at a tree and screaming. I was such a mess that night.

I'm really starting to scare myself, i feel like it's only a matter of time before i snap.

[welcome_to_chaos]

awe. its ok. :) that stuff happens all the time. at least it wasnt a physical fight over nothing right? well just trust me right now everything seems bad but if its as bad as u say it is then the only thing things can do is get better :). and iff u feel like snapping just calm urself down and tell urself its not your fault because i doubt it really is.

feel better :)

[Babobobo]

I always get in fights, and I sometimes have felt the same way as you. I've noticed that when I either scream, or vent ALL of my feelings out to someone, and it works well. It's very common to think badly of yourself, everybody notices more of their own flaws rather than their good traits. If you're dad even says one word to contribute to the fight, he's one to blame as well, not just you. He's actually the immature hypocrite, telling you that you always start the fights, when he could easily walk away and ignore it, but he doesn't.

The walking the dog part - very effective, kudos to you for doing that! A smart girl you are, knowing how to deal with the problem rather than cowering out and not doing anything to support yourself. Give yourself credit for thinking of that.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Dear Georgia,

There is nothing 'wrong' with you, no matter what anyone says or wishes you to believe. Although we all harbour aspects of our being which are undesirable, none of it makes us any less worthy or beautiful as a person, as a participant of life, as a part of the universe. Furthermore, there is no universal truth; just because one person perceives something to be 'bad', doesn't mean it actually is. All things have an orientation of neutrality until each separate individual forms their own interpretation and bias, which is what that thing or being will become in their eyes.

And perceptions will vary, of course. I, for example, think that you are strong, caring, and deserving of so much more than what you've been getting. We all deserve to be around people who will appreciate us for who we are, and be patient with our shortcomings rather than hurt us over them - because no one is perfect, and you know that. I wish you can see your own beauty - the beauty that is inherent in all life, that we all lose sight of at some point as a result of society's conditioning. The perception of ugliness is the result of imbalance. Your father has his own issues to come to terms with as well, and it has been affecting you negatively. This much you should know - it takes both sides to start a fight. He wasn't completely in the right, even if your negative self-talk attempts to say so.

It was good that you were able to get out of the house and have some time for yourself, but it seems as if this strategy had its down side as well. You said that talking to a friend helped you calm down a little, so this may be a good method - it was good to get away from the source of the chaos, but it is always best to not be alone, in times where self-control is weak. If something similar happens again, talk to someone - anyone - before the thoughts in your mind have the opportunity to get out of control. It's okay to ask for help; when you can't trust yourself, get someone else to watch over you.

If you are in need of someone to talk to, I am always here.

Take care for now. :hug3:

[starrburst]

You've made it so far, i'dhate to see you give in now...I wish i was as strong as you, Georgia....i really do. You CAN do this, you will...If you made it without cutting that night, i believe you can make it without cutting again. If you wanna talk you know what to do :] Keep strong hun xxx