all i have left now is pretty much my alcohol.

[1_21Guns]

my life started looking up again, not that i'm putting too much faith in it staying better for good, because i know full well what happens when i do that.
15 years old, practically alcoholic.
but who gives a fuck anymore seriously?
looking around all i see is people with hopes and dreams,
each one of them will probably make them come true
each one of them but me.
i dont know where i'm going, not that i even care.
i never made plans for the future when i was little
because frankly, back then, i didnt think i'd live this long.
now i dont know what to do with myself.
everytime i go on a high, i crash harder than ever.
so why bother with the highs anymore?
the bottle of vodka will only last so long
then i have to endure the days sober again.
why? why fight?
why wont i just give up.
i dont even know.
somethings holding me back.
people, holding me back.
i wish they'd just let me go.
i've been fighting suicide since i was eight years old.
nearly got away with it when i was 13.
but no, here i still am.
still in the way, still doing everything wrong.
yeah, i still have all my friends, they're all more or less back again,
everything is how it was, i should be okay again.
but am i?
am i fuck
because i'll never be okay again.
i'm broken, to the point i'll never be fixed.
my past, has left me with some of the most annoying and weird fears ever.
i had to walk from the train station to the bus station with this guy the other day, it wasnt a stranger, a kinda friend
but i was scared of him, and for what reason? i have no idea.
i'm sick of living my life in fear.
it's like the slowest most painful death ever
my epic trust issues are getting in the way of everything.
i just feel so dead, so numb.
i havent posted in so long.
i didnt see the point.
i'll never be fixed.
broken till the day i die.
fuck my life is an understatement.
theres people who have been through so much worse than me,
so why am i sat moaning?
whats the point in moaning?
it wont make me any better.
i appologise for wasteing whoever cares enough to read this's time.
because theres nothing to reply to.
i give up
i want to die
and i dont even know why
everythings okay apart from the fucked up trust issues
voices in my head, anxiety and the rest.
nothing new there.
tell you what, fake smiles hide a lot.
because nobody has a clue,
not even the people who know me the most.
not a clue i'm never getting better.
even though i'm not cutting, i'm not getting better
i'm just getting worse and worse
slipping down the same old slide,
that no matter how hard i try to climb
i'll always slip back down eventually.
my last hopeful attempt to kill myself was in December,
i knew it wouldnt kill me, but it didnt stop me hoping.
eventually even the painkillers wont block me out enough
the alcohol will run dry
the blades wont cut it anymore
and nothing will fix me
one day, i'll lose my last hope.
and when that goes, what do i do then?
what do i do when the thing i'm holding onto so dearly falls though?
because it will. and i know it.
then i'll have nothing
the last piece of my heart just gives up and falls away.
i wont die, i cant bring myself to commit suicide
yet i still can't sign that no suicide thing on here,
a year later, i still cant do it.
i'll promise everyone, i wont kill myself.
but i wont sign that.
because one day, when it all falls through,
when i've lost everything.
i'll die.

sorry for the essay, by the way.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Dear Natalie,

I do not feel very articulate at the moment, and perhaps that will show through - but I just wanted to let you know that I read your words in its entirety, and that was not at all a waste of time. You've probably heard this too many times, but you are a beautiful soul hun, and I admire you. I really do. You have given so much to the community, and it's only right that we should give something back to you, when you are in need of support. A lot has been addressed in your post, and I am honest in saying that I can relate to the majority of it. You are not alone, believe me.

It's okay to not know where the future is going. Contrary to popular belief, that is really not as bad as it seems. In the consideration that change in inevitable, whether that be change in circumstances or perceptions, it is best to always be open rather than lay out definitive plans. Of course, most will say that one should have at least a general idea of the path they would like to take, but it isn't crucial. Life is all the more interesting when one focuses on the journey rather than the destination.

What to do with yourself, then? How does one organize their thoughts and actions without any sort of aim in mind? Just be open, be natural, and see where things take you - ideally, that would be how it is done. However, it doesn't seem that you are capable of this at the moment, as the moment you let your inner guard relax, the chaos that has been suffocating you will take advantage of it and increase its influence. From here, it only seems logical that your aim right now should be to find a sense of calm and balance.

But that probably sounds ludicrous right now, given how impossible it seems, how inevitably you will fail and lose absolutely everything. Remember, however, that so long as you remain alive, the one thing that will never be lost is opportunity. A few older people around me are living testimonials; it is never too late to awaken, to find oneself again, to let all the hurt go and start over as a better person - the person one was always meant to be, but lost sight of somewhere along the way. No matter how broken, tainted, and demoralised one is. The door is always open.

Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as inevitability, as the future is by nature uncertain. However, I am also haunted by the belief in inevitable failure, and I know how strongly the notion clings to one's mind. But I will say that even if such thing exists, it is worthwhile to challenge it to the end. Not for anyone, anything, or any seemingly impossible outcome, but for one's own integrity. To come this far and give up the fight now is to betray oneself, betray all one's efforts up to that very point, and all those people that have made sacrifices in themselves to help you. At the least, it can only make things more difficult for yourself in the long run. And you deserve better than that.

I have to live with chronic fear and paranoia as well. Sometimes it can be quite debilitating, so I know how frustrating it is, although I have learned now to keep it relatively under control. Basically, so long as one is able to percieve the experience from a rational view, it - the fear - will quickly break down and lose its power, as it is very much absurd and vulnerable to the critical thought process. It may also be worth mentioning that fear in itself is not a bad thing, it is a way in which one protects oneself from harm - to a reasonable degree, it can be beneficial. It's only when the fear is becoming unjustified and blown out of proportion that problems arise.

You have raised many issues, all of which can be discussed to a greater depth than what I've said in this post, and if you ever want/need to talk more about this or anything at all, you know where to find me.

Take care for now hun. May you find peace of mind. :hug3:

[1_21Guns]

Thank you Maya :heart: :hug:

[georgiamay]

wow, that's almost exactly how i feel. don't worry, you aren't alone with any of this.

first of all, please never apologise for your feelings? you have nothing to apologise for, even if it is long, you don't need to apologise, because that's how you feel, and you just let it out, so don't apologise for anything, you've done nothing wrong.
the reason to fight is that if you think you've hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up, and if you fall, all you can do is pick yourself up again.

As for your future, well, who the hell knows? that's the beauty of it, not knowing what your future holds, means you can do anything you want. As they say, the world is your oyster.

maybe it's time to stop hiding behind the fake smile, and talk to someone. If you don't feel like you can that's fine, but maybe if someone knew how you felt, you'd have someone there to support you through it, 'cause words on a screen can only do so much.

i know how you feel, i've been there many times before myself, so if you ever wanna PM/VM me, you know where i am :)

[1_21Guns]

wow, that's almost exactly how i feel. don't worry, you aren't alone with any of this.

first of all, please never apologise for your feelings? you have nothing to apologise for, even if it is long, you don't need to apologise, because that's how you feel, and you just let it out, so don't apologise for anything, you've done nothing wrong.
the reason to fight is that if you think you've hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up, and if you fall, all you can do is pick yourself up again.

As for your future, well, who the hell knows? that's the beauty of it, not knowing what your future holds, means you can do anything you want. As they say, the world is your oyster.

maybe it's time to stop hiding behind the fake smile, and talk to someone. If you don't feel like you can that's fine, but maybe if someone knew how you felt, you'd have someone there to support you through it, 'cause words on a screen can only do so much.

i know how you feel, i've been there many times before myself, so if you ever wanna PM/VM me, you know where i am :)

thanks hun :hug: :heart: