Scarface
July 28th, 2010, 10:49 PM
You are loved.
To those that know,
Family, you’re supposed to hold them close. Have them be there for you as you are for them. Not to have a worry in the world as a child, growing up. To be happy and to spend quality time with them. To be praised for hard work academically, to always know that they are by your side like I’ve said in previous threads. A dream family one that has great talks around the table at dinner. That want to know how your day went. That knows when you’re happy, sad, and angry or know when you’re sick. The “unconditional love”. I always wondered what it was like to have a family like that. To have a family that actually gave a shit about me. Even though as a kid I thought it was normal. I thought being beaten, neglected and being disposed and used as a money threat. “IT’S MY TURN TO HAVE HIM SO YOU!!! PAY CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!!!” Customary arguments that always seemed to go south fast. Even though after they were separated the fights continued like they never were divorced. It was all about the child support for my brother and I, just because THEY didn’t want to pay because they were supporting their own addictions.
I learned to hate my parents. To loathe every lie they told. Everything they did. To hear their voices and to hear my mom trail off and nod out as she tried to ask me to go get her pill bottles. Or when my dad would throw a beer bottle at the wall and scream at me or my mom to get him another beer. I felt like a slave in my own home. Though I never felt like it was home. I would watch movies where all of these families were. The fantasy land I would merge my brain into at night before I went to sleep at night. That I would never wake up that I would live in my dreams. For once to feel happy. Though I had fabulous friends and just a wonderful time with them. I still had to deal with all of my problems. My pain. My ever longing search for acceptance and love for my family. To feel loved. I often envied my friends and how they had like this pretty awesome family. How they would complain about how they didn’t get what they wanted for their birthday. As I would think to myself “That’s the least of their worries?” I had to constantly worry about myself as well as my young brother. I would cry. I would think it was my fault as it was always drilled into my head that it was. It was my fault my mom is a pill head. It was my fault that my dad would never come home. It was just all my fault that I was a mistake. That I would never amount to anything and I desperately wanted to hear some kind of appraisal a confirmation that I was a good son, but I never got that. My cries for help after my suicide attempts were finally answered by my counselor. That maybe it wasn’t my fault. That I really wasn’t all that fucked up. That even though I attempted suicide 3 times. Even though I never was a perfect son. I found out that there is never perfection in family, but the times you spend with them and the memories that you’re supposed to make is what makes it a family Thick and thin.
My closest friends became my family and my peer counseling became my life. As I tried to help as many people as I could. To finally know deep inside that I helped someone. That I can actually get something right. To make friends and to be there for them as they were for me. I had finally found out that not all people were as fucked up as my parents were. That someone actually cared about me. That feeling was so hard to get used to, because I thought that they wanted something from me. I would think the absolute worst before they proved me wrong. As I learned and found out that I have true friends. I finally figured out, “fuck man these people are either crazy or they genuinely care.” My friends are another part of me that kept me sane to an extent. They would call me on the phone and know right away how I was feeling without actually having to be there.
I bet you’re wondering what the point of this /rant is. It’s to show you that even though you may not have a blood family that there are always going to be people that care. They actually are there for you. I still hang out with all of my friends that I’ve had for quite a long time. Even though I’m not even in the same state anymore when I have to go visit my mom (Which I won’t legally have to after I turn 18) I see them and I feel at home with them. You don’t have to feel alone. You don’t have to feel like everyone hates you. I felt as the old foreigner song sang, “I want to know what love is” Remember there is nothing wrong with you. It’s never your fault. It’s never something you did to make them hate you. You never have to feel that there is no one there. To know that your silent cries for help are heard no matter the circumstances .That sounds like it’s easier said than done to accept that, but to be honest it really can be, but you have to realize that you are the bigger person for putting up with their shit. You ARE strong. You CAN prevail. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe it can achieve. I’m always here to help whenever I can to talk to. To make you understand you are loved…
~Ronnie
To those that know,
Family, you’re supposed to hold them close. Have them be there for you as you are for them. Not to have a worry in the world as a child, growing up. To be happy and to spend quality time with them. To be praised for hard work academically, to always know that they are by your side like I’ve said in previous threads. A dream family one that has great talks around the table at dinner. That want to know how your day went. That knows when you’re happy, sad, and angry or know when you’re sick. The “unconditional love”. I always wondered what it was like to have a family like that. To have a family that actually gave a shit about me. Even though as a kid I thought it was normal. I thought being beaten, neglected and being disposed and used as a money threat. “IT’S MY TURN TO HAVE HIM SO YOU!!! PAY CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!!!” Customary arguments that always seemed to go south fast. Even though after they were separated the fights continued like they never were divorced. It was all about the child support for my brother and I, just because THEY didn’t want to pay because they were supporting their own addictions.
I learned to hate my parents. To loathe every lie they told. Everything they did. To hear their voices and to hear my mom trail off and nod out as she tried to ask me to go get her pill bottles. Or when my dad would throw a beer bottle at the wall and scream at me or my mom to get him another beer. I felt like a slave in my own home. Though I never felt like it was home. I would watch movies where all of these families were. The fantasy land I would merge my brain into at night before I went to sleep at night. That I would never wake up that I would live in my dreams. For once to feel happy. Though I had fabulous friends and just a wonderful time with them. I still had to deal with all of my problems. My pain. My ever longing search for acceptance and love for my family. To feel loved. I often envied my friends and how they had like this pretty awesome family. How they would complain about how they didn’t get what they wanted for their birthday. As I would think to myself “That’s the least of their worries?” I had to constantly worry about myself as well as my young brother. I would cry. I would think it was my fault as it was always drilled into my head that it was. It was my fault my mom is a pill head. It was my fault that my dad would never come home. It was just all my fault that I was a mistake. That I would never amount to anything and I desperately wanted to hear some kind of appraisal a confirmation that I was a good son, but I never got that. My cries for help after my suicide attempts were finally answered by my counselor. That maybe it wasn’t my fault. That I really wasn’t all that fucked up. That even though I attempted suicide 3 times. Even though I never was a perfect son. I found out that there is never perfection in family, but the times you spend with them and the memories that you’re supposed to make is what makes it a family Thick and thin.
My closest friends became my family and my peer counseling became my life. As I tried to help as many people as I could. To finally know deep inside that I helped someone. That I can actually get something right. To make friends and to be there for them as they were for me. I had finally found out that not all people were as fucked up as my parents were. That someone actually cared about me. That feeling was so hard to get used to, because I thought that they wanted something from me. I would think the absolute worst before they proved me wrong. As I learned and found out that I have true friends. I finally figured out, “fuck man these people are either crazy or they genuinely care.” My friends are another part of me that kept me sane to an extent. They would call me on the phone and know right away how I was feeling without actually having to be there.
I bet you’re wondering what the point of this /rant is. It’s to show you that even though you may not have a blood family that there are always going to be people that care. They actually are there for you. I still hang out with all of my friends that I’ve had for quite a long time. Even though I’m not even in the same state anymore when I have to go visit my mom (Which I won’t legally have to after I turn 18) I see them and I feel at home with them. You don’t have to feel alone. You don’t have to feel like everyone hates you. I felt as the old foreigner song sang, “I want to know what love is” Remember there is nothing wrong with you. It’s never your fault. It’s never something you did to make them hate you. You never have to feel that there is no one there. To know that your silent cries for help are heard no matter the circumstances .That sounds like it’s easier said than done to accept that, but to be honest it really can be, but you have to realize that you are the bigger person for putting up with their shit. You ARE strong. You CAN prevail. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe it can achieve. I’m always here to help whenever I can to talk to. To make you understand you are loved…
~Ronnie