Depression about sexuality

[cairnsie]

Hi everyone, this is really difficult for me because i've never posted on a forum but I really could do with some help. Recently, i looked in a magazine and seen a women and couldnt believe how beautiful she was. It never crossed my mind that i found her attractive but one day it did. Since then i have become ridiculously paranoid about my sexuality, maybe because ive been off from uni for so long with nothing to do but think. I've never looked at women like that, kissed one or had sexual thoughts about them. I have always been attracted to men and get butterflies around the guys i fancy. I told my friend about how i was feeling and he said "well as long as you dont think about them sexually then you're allright". I never have until he said that, now i find myself imagining it, not because i get pleasure but to get an idea of my reaction to it. I just feel indifferent yet every girl i seen i look and think "would i kiss her? Do i like her?" When i'm around guys i feel so relaxed and happy. I've never wanted to do anything with girls ever but i have questioned it so much over and over i cannot sleep, ive lost my appetite and i have butterflies all day and im seriously concerned about how this is affecting me. I'm terrified to look at girls incase i think they look pretty where as before it never bothered me. I dont have anything against gays/lesbians but i do not want to be one, the thought of being with one is just a no no and seems not right to me and scares me. I have always believed i was straight and never questioned it. I know all this sounds silly but I just want a decent nights sleep because the anxiety is ruining my life. Im not sure if it is me worrying far too much or something more, i just dont feel like i have a grip on reality.

[Aspiringanonymous]

Welcome to VT, first of all. :hug3:

I've had a somewhat similar experience, so I'll tell you what I've been telling myself all the time. One's grip on reality is lost in the absence of rationality - so I mostly fought against it with the power of logic. If the beliefs which the anxiety is founded upon insists upon sticking around and making life miserable, it better be able to defend itself.

The best question with which to start a conversation with it is, why does it matter anyway? So what if my body reacts a certain way to certain things, does it mean that I must act on that reaction? Of course not. Must it fundamentally change who I am as a person, a being, a spirit? Not at all. Many people seem to associate their sexuality to who they are on the deepest level, but that is a personal choice. One may not be able to control what happens to them, but in a right frame of mind, should always be able to choose how to mentally approach these situations. If you do turn out to be bisexual, you can choose to not let it bother you and allow it to become a non-issue, since heterosexuality is still the mainstream and universally accepted one anyway. But right now, the anxiety is getting in the way of that, it is absurd and serves only to interfere with logic, therefore it has no place in your consciousness.

The difficult aspect about this is that no amount of arguing against the source belief will work - as it is singularly fixated on the notion that you must, must, must be sexually attracted to females, even though you recognize that this is already being blown grossly out of proportion. The other thing to remember is that there's nothing indicative with finding a member of the same sex attractive every once in a blue moon, it really doesn't mean anything. As most say, 'it's just hormones'.

It took a very long time for me to come to terms with my own inner conflict, so you must be patient with yourself. Try out other approaches as well - but this is the one I stuck with, and seemed to work for me in the end.

All the best to you. :hug3:

[cairnsie]

i really appreciate your input and i know what you mean. I guess the thing that has been grating on my mind is, why is this happening? If im comfortable with my sexuality then i shouldnt question it. Thats how it has all been blown to such an issue. I have always liked guys and theres no doubt about it. The thing is i find women attractive but i've never met a girl who's personality has made me want to be with them, where as with guys, i have on a number of occasions. I just find it very difficult to believe that i can go from being perfectly comfortable with my sexuality to this. Especially given the fact i've never been in a situation with a women and im 19, nearly 20. How can looking at a woman in a magazine cause such upset? It feels wrong to me and i don't want to pursue it, i just wish i hadn't had the thought in the first place. I do appreciate women, their figures but it never ever crossed my mind. Even when i looked at her in the magazine, i never had any sexual thoughts, i just couldnt believe how pretty she was. I do have problems with anxiety and worry and i think that has a part to play in it too.

[Aspiringanonymous]

You've answered your own question there: the conclusion that you are comfortable with your sexuality arrived when you were confident of a hereosexual identity, but you are very much uncomfortable with the idea of being perhaps a different orientation - hence the intense, uncontrollable reaction against it at the slightest hint of that possiblity. It's not sexuality in itself that is causing the discomfort, but rather the prospect of being attracted to the same sex.

There are times when we cannot control our thoughts, and a few unwanted ones might slip through accidentally. There is no need thus to blame its occurrence upon yourself. Sometimes absurd things happen, and not everything has a reason. It's all okay.

May you find peace of mind soon.

[cairnsie]

Thanks so much for all the help you have given me. I finally talked to my friends and i have realised how ott i have been and that while i still think about it, i have realised it will take time to get over something like this. I don't get anxiety as much now about it, i look forward to coming home after work because the worry isn't there. Again thanks so much for all your help, i really appreciate it and it feels nice to be getting my life back on track! :)

[Fiction]

I had a similar thing happen to me when i was 12. It took quite a while to get over but now, 3 years on i know i'm straight. Things will become right in the end, you just have to see where life takes you with this one. Sorry i can't be more help.

[cairnsie]

Thanks, i appreciate youre help regardless :). I'm sure im straight, i think my biggest issue is the anxiety, ive not been thinking about wanting to be with women, cos i just dont want to and i have realised that. I just need to realise its ok to think women are pretty and for ages i was terrfied to look at them again incase something unwanted came into my head. I was even frightened to make friends with women, which is ridiculous because all my life i have had female friends but never wanted to be with them, where as with guys i have. I don't have any urge or temptation to be with one, its just the fact the thought was there and its erupted into something so big. I feel different around men, i want to be with them, there is no doubt about that. Fancying women feels and is wrong to me and i have been feeling a lot better, im just trying to be patient because i have thought bout it for a while over and over and its not something you can just switch off when its caused you this much anxiety. Some times i get frightened ill start thinking bout it again, even though i know im straight. Its been very hard but i feel a lot happier and i do think i am going to see somebody about my anxiety and how much i worry. I think bout something insignificant and end up making far too big a deal and i end up ruining my day because im thinking bout it.