Suicidal?

[celine93]

I have no idea what is going on in my head.
I had a friend over to stay for a week. I couldn't cut. It was terrifying and it was so hard I ended up taking it out on her. She went home today. I went crazy, I used everything I could get my hands on on every bit of skin I could hide.
I can't stop crying. I don't want to be this person anymore.
I've wanted to just die for so long. I can't keep fighting it.
I hate my life. It's empty. There's nothing there. I'm not a person anymore. I'm invisible.
How can I stop this?
In my head all I can see is a hospital bed.
Its taking every bit of energy to not end up there and my family are noticing. I can't be around them anymore because I feel like I hate them.
My mum's always crying around me and I just want to tell her that I wont be here when she wakes up tomorrow.
What's going on in my head? I'm stranded. I'm sick of being with me, I hate me so much. But I can't be around other people because I'm so angry and them all and I hate the fact that I'm still here that much I take it out on them.
I feel so horrible. Please, can someone help me? I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[MadManWithaBox]

Your mum would be upset if you left. You need to talk about this, what's wrong with you. PM, or someone else off this forum, or talk to your friends in real life, your parents someone. It can be tempting to end it all. And think of the pain ending. But thats never the answer. Actually, really do PM me. I know about this, I can practically repeat what you've said word for word. Talk to people.

[celine93]

It won't let me PM yet. Sorry.
How did you stop feeling like this?
Thank you for helping me.

[MadManWithaBox]

I tried to deal with it alone, and that really didn't work. I'm still dealing with it now. I won't say its all a walk in the park. Far from it. Their are days when I feel like ending it all, and I have tried. But you know, I have tried to end it, more than once. But things have to get you know. Their has to be something better.

[sarah newman]

all you gotta do is keep busy.
Go out wiv m8s, go out wiv family, go shopping, anything to keep your mind off cutting.
If you wanna make things right- such as not lashing out at people- try and make it up to them. Like tell them to meet up, be happy round them, even if its one of those dayys when youu h8 yourself o much youu feel as if youu wanna end it all, try and act happy and garantee youu will feel better by the end of the dayy.
Everyone would be upset if you killed yourself. If youu keep on feeling like this, youu should get professional help. people on VT obviously can help, but its prefered if you talk to a professional face to face. If youu dont feel confortable with this, then ring help lines, such as childline, even if youu feel lonely, they can make youu feel as if theres someone really there to help youu.

Maybe keep a diary? Write down your feelings, so youu feel as if someone knows how you feel, even if it is a diary!
Or tell your friends. They are always there, so r your parents, but it is more difficult to tell the ones who love youu so much.
Or do something crazy! something you might not do before, or the thought wouldnt have crossed your mind. Dye your hair pink! It would keep youu and other people amused.
Just dont end it all hun. Everyone is here for youu. Theres always someone there who will listen to you, what you have to say. You have just got to find the right person. Someone you can trust. someone youu know who will be there in the most difficult of times.
PM me anytime xx im always here to help :) xxxxxxx <3

[shane.hood]

Pain causes people to feel many different ways. If I was you I'd call the psych floor and tell them what is going on. They probably would like to come in for eval and get you some help with that pain.

[celine93]

Thank you all so much for responding.
Last night was really difficult for me, I lied awake all night and cried and cried. I ripped one of my razors to pieces and stuck the blades in my arm.
I felt like I wasn't even real.
I didn't know what to do. I thought that it was going to happen. I thought they were my final moments, I was so angry and upset I thought I'd be able to do it.
I researched some of the things to do with suicide. Things that happen to you if you survive.
I somehow found myself emailing the Samaritans! I was just so insane.
It was like I was someone else. Like I was watching myself do it, thinking 'that poor girl, I'm so glad I've never felt like that. She looks so trapped and alone.'

I'm thinking of going to my Doctor. I know it isn't right to feel this way.and I need to fix myself but I don't know where to start.
Could a doctor help me? Could he inform my parents? What would happen to me if I informed a professional in that sense? Would he just pump me full of drugs?
Thank you all, for all of your advice.

Kate

[MadManWithaBox]

Well that depends. How old are you?

[celine93]

I'm 17. Surely they can't tell anyone if I'm 17?

[MadManWithaBox]

No they can't. They won't tell if you're over 16 they won't/ They'll only tell if they think you're a danger to yourself or others. To see a professional, you need to get referred by a doctor I think. So making an appointment with your local GP is a good start, but you have to be prepared to tell him everything. Don't hold anything back.

[celine93]

Well that's good, but surely if I'm going to them to tell them about how bad I feel and how I self harm and I don't want to be here anymore, are they not going to take that as me being a danger to myself?
I'm not being funny, I just don't want to risk doing anything that could end with my parents being informed. I really can't do this to them.
Thanks for the info though, this is something I'm going to look into.

Kate

[Mike321]

As Matthew said, if your 16 or over they cant tell your parents. And it is a bit of a risk telling your doctor if you think, they might see you as a danger to youself, but if you want help, its something you might have to do.
But as you said yourself, just have a look into it, but whoever you tell ake sure your completley honest with them, so they can offer you the right help
Can you not keep in contact with the councillor you were seeing before the summer holidays?
When you can, feel free to PM me anytime

[celine93]

Yeah. I supposed that's true, but my parents don't know anything about this, if they are going to be informed by anyone I'd much rather it be me than a doctor, but this is all something that's just so crazy and out of character (to the person I am around them) for me that it'll cripple them.
It is possible to see the councellor I was talking to, but it's pointless. And it would be very difficult to get hold of her. But I haven't really been honest with her and she doesn't know anything about this, really.
Just telling her I selfharm was too much for me to take.
I am keeping in touch with the teacher who I was talking to before, but she hasn't replied to anuy pof my e mails because she's on holiday. And besides, I could never talk to her as explicitly as this about my feelings, because I actually like her, and I have to see her again next year, and I would be totally humiliated and embarrassed.
So, guess I'm stuck really?

Thanks for all the advice guys.
It's nice to know you're there.

Kate