Sample Page from Manga, Opinions?

[SapphireDragon13]

Page 5, Shadow Fox ©

http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii100/FirestarOfDarkness13/ShadowFoxPage1Chapter1.jpg

So yeah, this is the first page from the manga series I'm currently writing. Sadly, this page has absolutely nothing with the story line, and I'm only posting it for opinions on the artwork. Anyways here's an idea of what's included on the page.

Setting: Classroom [Ehh... can't really tell, but yeah...]

Characters: Kitsune Akairo [the student]
Mrs. Tamashii [the teacher]

What's happening: Well, Kitsune is completely bored out of her mind, because it's the last day of her school year and she can't wait to get out of class.

I'd love any comments and criticism that you have, thanks!

~Jenelle

Drawn with:
-Pencil

Coloured and Edited with:
-Corel Photo-Paint X3

EDIT: I took darkwoon's advice, as I understood it and edited the positioning and overall layout of the picture. Also, there were some things, such as the random backgrounds, that I was unable to change, because of the program I'm using... :)

http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii100/FirestarOfDarkness13/ShadowFoxPage5Chapter1Edit.jpg

[darkwoon]

Here is what I noticed...

Irregular lines: Some of the lines show irregular thickness, or are not "straight" enough. It is visible on the speech balloons, or on the border of the clock.

All smooth: All grey nuances ("colors") are applied using soft transitions. I'm not convinced it is always a good idea - on the hair, for example, sharper shading transitions would work better to give the feeling of volume.

Background: Either draw a background that matches where the action takes place, or leave it empty. Do not use random textures - they bring nothing to the story or art, and tend to distract the reader's attention.

Set your scene: Since this is the first page, you need to show the reader where the action takes place. Obviously, that's a school, but we have no idea what kind of - we don't know if there are a lot of people, what the atmosphere of the place can be (Is it dark and gloomy? Brightly lit by the sun through large windows? Crowded? Empty?). A common technique in comics (Japanese or not) is to show a "wide" view of the place as the first panel, so the reader gets a good idea on where he's. A lot of theater plays also use a similar technique, by first revealing the scene, and only then let actors enter it.
Now of course, starting a story in media res (in the middle of action) is acceptable - but you won't want to abuse it, and prefer reserving it for scenes where you actually want to surprize/shock the reader right from the start.

Panel splitting: I don't understand the way you organized the panels on your page. You chose irregular shapes, which reduces the space you got to draw backgrounds and characters, and leave a lot of unusable space outside them. Moreover, that organization prevents you to make the "Thwack" event appear "louder" by making it occupying more space right at the center, and separating the upper panels (where the girl is dreaming watching the clock) from the lower ones (where the teacher wakes her up).
I'd strongly suggest selecting a simple "waffle" panel model (divide the page in 3 or 4 lines and from 2 to 4 columns of rectangular panels) and take advantage of its simplicity to better structure your pages.

Other details: The eyebrows of the girl at the lower-right corner of the sheet are not of the same color. The teacher should look in the direction of the girl at the bottom-right, so that we follow her gaze as we read.

Overall, I think it is a nice start, but you're trying too much to use complex techniques while simpler ones would actually be better-suited to your work. I'd suggest having a look at some of the "classics" to get a better grasp on page layout techniques - Tintin (Hergé), City Hunter (Tsukasa Hojo) or the Franquin-Era Spirou are good example of the use of very classical techniques in a very efficient way.

Hope this helps!

[SapphireDragon13]

Here is what I noticed...

Irregular lines: Some of the lines show irregular thickness, or are not "straight" enough. It is visible on the speech balloons, or on the border of the clock.

All smooth: All grey nuances ("colors") are applied using soft transitions. I'm not convinced it is always a good idea - on the hair, for example, sharper shading transitions would work better to give the feeling of volume.

Background: Either draw a background that matches where the action takes place, or leave it empty. Do not use random textures - they bring nothing to the story or art, and tend to distract the reader's attention.

Set your scene: Since this is the first page, you need to show the reader where the action takes place. Obviously, that's a school, but we have no idea what kind of - we don't know if there are a lot of people, what the atmosphere of the place can be (Is it dark and gloomy? Brightly lit by the sun through large windows? Crowded? Empty?). A common technique in comics (Japanese or not) is to show a "wide" view of the place as the first panel, so the reader gets a good idea on where he's. A lot of theater plays also use a similar technique, by first revealing the scene, and only then let actors enter it.
Now of course, starting a story in media res (in the middle of action) is acceptable - but you won't want to abuse it, and prefer reserving it for scenes where you actually want to surprize/shock the reader right from the start.

Panel splitting: I don't understand the way you organized the panels on your page. You chose irregular shapes, which reduces the space you got to draw backgrounds and characters, and leave a lot of unusable space outside them. Moreover, that organization prevents you to make the "Thwack" event appear "louder" by making it occupying more space right at the center, and separating the upper panels (where the girl is dreaming watching the clock) from the lower ones (where the teacher wakes her up).
I'd strongly suggest selecting a simple "waffle" panel model (divide the page in 3 or 4 lines and from 2 to 4 columns of rectangular panels) and take advantage of its simplicity to better structure your pages.

Other details: The eyebrows of the girl at the lower-right corner of the sheet are not of the same color. The teacher should look in the direction of the girl at the bottom-right, so that we follow her gaze as we read.

Overall, I think it is a nice start, but you're trying too much to use complex techniques while simpler ones would actually be better-suited to your work. I'd suggest having a look at some of the "classics" to get a better grasp on page layout techniques - Tintin (Hergé), City Hunter (Tsukasa Hojo) or the Franquin-Era Spirou are good example of the use of very classical techniques in a very efficient way.

Hope this helps!

After reading this...... I agree with just about everything that you said. And I've decided that from now on I'm only going to work on stuff like this when I'm completely awake, and able to reason [Lol, I did most of this at like 3 or 4 in the morning]... Anyways, I appreciate the critique, thank you! :) Oh, and I might re-do this page, because it seems a bit too cluttered. :P Also, to mention it, this isn't the first page of the story, just the one I randomly decided to upload.

~Jenelle

[biboy96]

I like it.
Both pages definetly have a manga-esque tyoe of artwork ;)

[SapphireDragon13]

I like it.
Both pages definetly have a manga-esque tyoe of artwork ;)

Thank you! :) By the way, they're both supposed to be the same page, the second one is just the edited version of the original--adjustments to spacing, positioning of cells, etc.

~Jenelle

[Ghost_Hunter]

I liked it. Your art's really good.

[SapphireDragon13]

I liked it. Your art's really good.

Thank you!! :)

~Jenelle

[derp]

It's pretty good, the artwork is nice !
I just want to note that in alot of mangas, when someone isn't a main character they are either given really plain faces (undetailed eyes etc etc) or sometimes no faces at all. So if you didn't plan on making the teacher a main character, and you wanted to follow the invisible rule, it was okay to leave her face plain or blank.

I hope I don't sound rude but the girl's name annoys the heck out of me. Unless there's some backstory to why her name is such a crazy name as to be" Fox Color-of-red" or maybe like a acknowledgement that its a strange name for a (normal?) girl then I think it's kinda weird. Sorry I'm Japanese so it annoys me when people put random words together to make names. You should change it especially if you want to give the girl a sense of complete normality, unless her parents wanted to give her something unique...

I like the artwork though, its nice ^_^ what did you use to draw? computer or handdrawn? I used to draw anime/manga alot especially on the computer untill I lost my tablet pen two months ago D:

[ShatteredWings]

This is a year old