Making it up?

[Fiction]

I managed to go 12 days without cutting. This is the longest i've ever gone but i only really managed it because i didn't have any blades. Now that i have cut, the urges to do it again have become worse. Sometimes i get urges for no particular reason. There's no trigger it's just general unhappiness... if you understand what i mean. I don't know if these urges are real. If it's me making it up in my head. For attention or something. I honestly don't know. I don't get it. It's confusing me and when i try to sort it out in my head it makes me want to cut.. or does it just make me think i want to cut? I really am so confused.

This was kind of rantish. sorry.

[kidkizzet]

I understand how you feel. I know the urges get worse, I have the same problem especially with the no trigger thing, I just randomly get them sometimes more than others. I find it so confusing myself, and I'm really not sure what to say to you. I'm glad that you recognise it's a want thing, not a need, I assume you have anyway from what you said. I'm not sure whether it make you want to cut, or makes you think you do, but as long as you recognise that you don't need to cut then that's one positive thing. The sad truth is that it's an addiction and it's hard to understand and hard to deal with. I'm pretty sure it does make you think you want to cut because of the addicition, it is highly confusing. The way I'm currently coping is by remembering it's making me want to cut, there's no need to cut.

I wanted to give you some advice but to be honest with you, I'm not sure what to say to you because I'm kinda in the same situation as you. You're never alone though, you've always got people here to talk to, including me.

[Obscene Eyedeas]

I managed to go 12 days without cutting. This is the longest i've ever gone but i only really managed it because i didn't have any blades.

If you really are desperate enough to cut you will find something to cut with even if it's not a blade. To go so long proves you could quit if you put in enough time effort and drive, keep it up.

Now that i have cut, the urges to do it again have become worse.

You gave it up for twelve days you can give it up for another twelve days.

Sometimes i get urges for no particular reason. There's no trigger it's just general unhappiness... if you understand what i mean.

Is generally unhappiness worth leaving scars all over your body for hun. It's an addiction you aren't really cutting over unhappiness you are cutting for your fix and justifying it. I do not mean this harshly i'm just trying to help you make sense of this.

I don't know if these urges are real. If it's me making it up in my head. For attention or something. I honestly don't know.

You really need to sit down and think things through no matter how hard you find that, you need to sort things in your head

I don't get it. It's confusing me and when i try to sort it out in my head it makes me want to cut.. or does it just make me think i want to cut? I really am so confused.

Hence why even if you get urges when you think about it, you really just have to think about it and sort things out in your head.

This was kind of rantish. sorry.

You don't need to apologize in the psych ward we are here to help.

[Fiction]

Thanks Cody :) Makes me feel a little less alone :)

If you really are desperate enough to cut you will find something to cut with even if it's not a blade.

Yeah that's why i did it again after 12 days.

Is generally unhappiness worth leaving scars all over your body for hun. It's an addiction you aren't really cutting over unhappiness you are cutting for your fix and justifying it.

I can usually resist these urges, they are just annoying and occasionally i don't bother. I do have other urges however. Which are related to problems and these are much harder to resist. it was this type of urge that stopped me getting further than 12 days. Also these urges make more sense, they have a reason. It's the urges that come out of nowhere that i'm confused about.

You really need to sit down and think things through no matter how hard you find that, you need to sort things in your head


I try but it just makes no sense what so ever :(

Thanks for your replies :)

[Aspiringanonymous]

This is a question that I ask myself often - how much control do I really have? Am I bringing on difficult scenarios to myself, or has the ominous force behind them dug so deeply into my being that it can randomly direct thoughts as well? A strong rational resolve can suppress irrational uprisings as soon as they occur, but when the urges are the product of conscious thoughts which encourage them, it is considerably more difficult.

If you experience the urge, then it is real, how it got there doesn't really matter as long as it's there and it's clouding your judgment the way it always does. The desire to harm yourself is a parasitic entity - a force - that seeks to perpetuate itself and can only do so at the expense of your own well-being. Every time you surrender to it is a opportunity for its power to expand, hence why it has become noticeably stronger after the last incident.

It, at the base level, has nothing to do with you. It is the addiction, and the addiction should be seen as separate from one's own essence - because you have existed fine without it in the past, and you lose nothing fundamentally on the day you have decisively overcome its grasp of power. Of course, it will do everything in its power to prevent you from recognizing this, as it would mean a significant disadvantage for it. Naturally, one will be weary of a voice one perceives to be external, and genuinely strives to compromise with voices that are perceived to be internal, aka belonging to oneself.

With regards to attaining clarity for yourself, the one thing to keep in mind is that it must come naturally. Combating confusion with thoughts that are the product of confusion will only help the problem rather than diminish it. Acknowledge the confusion as it is, and before actively doing any work, the goal should be first to attain a calm state of mind free from noticeable sources of influence. Is there an environment or activity which inspires you; helps to become temporarily free from the inner chaos that is normally present?

These are a few ideas as a starting point, but of course, others can only direct you to the path - you must travel it yourself. Once you have broken through the veil of confusion, you will realize that the dynamics of the struggle itself will have shifted in your favour. It is an effort worth making.

If you wish to discuss this further, I am always here of course. All the best to you. :hug3:

[Fiction]

There isn't really anything that calms me except cutting and this is half of my problem. Everything is clearer when i'm cutting and that in it's self is calming. It really feels like i'll never make sense of this and that i can't stop until i do make sense of it :/

[Aspiringanonymous]

That's a contradiction, I hope you recognize that. It's not possible for the same source to inflict significant clarity and confusion at the same time. Clarity is the absence of confusion. In your situation, this perceived clarity is contributing to the confusion in the bigger picture - that is already enough reason to question its validity. It's an illusion, a mirage, which exists for the purpose of diverting attention away from the more pressing fact that chaos is reigning strong and taking every opportunity it has to strengthen its power over you. That's probably hard to believe in your current state of mind. No worries. It takes time.

You have to be open. One of the most powerful barriers against recovering is the lack of alternative coping methods - usually the root cause of becoming addicted in the first place. But new ideas won't come unless you're open to them, to the possibility of encountering them. There may not be anything which brings you true clarity right now, but that doesn't mean they're not out there, nor are they as difficult to discover as it may seem. The first step is to be weary of the voice that tells you cutting is the only thing that will help - you know it's a lie and it's up to no good. It can't possibly be helpful if you're trying this hard to be free of it.

Appeal to your logical sense - not the emotional one - this is the purpose behind attaining clarity of mind. You may be surprised at how much you already know.

[Fiction]

I often get moments of clarity. but these in them selves are contradictions. One minute i can be sure i don't want to give up and i never will. Others i think i can and i know i will. They seem so clear at the time but then it goes back to confusion :(

[Aspiringanonymous]

It is possible to have a logical dilemma, which is what a 'clear contradiction' would be. One side of the dilemma recognizes the true nature of the addiction and wishes to be free of it at all costs, but the other sees how difficult the struggle will be and has reasonable doubts about it. I wouldn't call it a contradiction - you just need more time to work with each side and obtain a good understanding of how and why they each exist.

There's no way a completely logical thought process would explicitly want to keep self-harming.

[Fiction]

I see what your saying. That does make a little more sense and i'venever looked at it that way :) Thank you :)

[shane.hood]

Most stories are also covered by a variety of media. If one reporter fabricates a story, before long other competing reporters will be hot on the trail trying to find out where the story originated. That would expose something quickly, and it has happened from time to time.

[Fiction]

Most stories are also covered by a variety of media. If one reporter fabricates a story, before long other competing reporters will be hot on the trail trying to find out where the story originated. That would expose something quickly, and it has happened from time to time.

What?