Is This It?

[LoveMe_HateMe]

Is this how it's going to be now? Me getting angry -> upset -> feeling nothing/empty -> bit of laughter (but do i mean it or is it forced? I don't know anymore...probablly forced) -> emptiness -> anger -> upset... etc... And with cutting in between places. When I do it, I do more... I hardly feel pain anymore.. . I want to change, yet I can't. It's too much effort. I lack motivation. I don't really care anymore.

I'm going on holiday on Thursday..and you know what? I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm kinda dreading it. I'll be with my parents 24/7 with next to no privacy. Won't have internet, won't be able to text boyf... I'm actually starting to stress over it abit... I feel ungrateful and selfish with not wanting to go. The holiday isn't exactly cheap and its like we have money to spare at the moment AND I know there are so many who would kill to go on holiday, somewhere nice and hot - abroad. And yet I'm sat here in my usual selfish, bitchy, whining ungrateful (etc...) mood.

And sorry I've not been on in a while, with having a job and trying to sort stuff out, i've not had the time nor the energy to come on the computer...and sorry its just turned into me just ranting and not helping :(

[MadManWithaBox]

It will be, unless you change it, unless you make the first move to change yourself, and your life. No one can convince you, or make you change, unless you want to. You wanna be happy? You wanna smile? You wanna look forward to nice holidays, the future. It isn't selfish to not look forward to holidays, that's just the mind set you're in right now. You want motivation to change? Look for it. Something in your life, your friends, people off here, the idea of a brighter tommorow, whatever. We love you, we want to help, but we can't save you if you don't wanna be saved. Pm me at anytime of the night or day :)

[LoveMe_HateMe]

The thing is, I'm a very negative person. I can only see the worst situations...Never the good ones. Even if someone points out the positive side to things, my response is always "how can you say that" " how can you be sure" etc... Friends...hmm... right, I don't have any.. I've managed to fuck it up with everyone. The only person I trust is the boyf and half the time I'm annoyed at him anyway, and he deserves waaay better than me but he's too stubborn to let me go. I hardly talk to anyone any more. The only people I talk to are boyf, parents, and the people i work with. I've just lost the will to communicate much with people, even on the internet, i never know what to say. Unless, of course I'm talking about myself and hey presto! I have a shit-long paragraph. Like I said. Selfish.

[MadManWithaBox]

That doesn't make you selfish. You're venting you own frustrations onto works on the net cos you don't want to say it aloud. You only need one good, positive thing, to motivate yourself. Doesn't matter how small it is, how insignificant it may appear. Grab it, cling to it, and don't let go. hope, is a very valuable commodity.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

Hope...Something I've started lacking in. But.... Not by choice. I've hoped for so many good things to happen and then at the last minute something has always popped up and the thing I've wanted to cant happen... Even little, everyday things like, just going into town or going to see boyf...And everytime it kills me just a little more inside. Slowly but surely making me give up. And I don't think I want to, give up, I just don't/can't see any hope for it.

I'm falling deeper, I've been feeling it for the past couple of months... Yesterday I saw a whole new side to me. One I'm not quite sure I liked. I realised how much anger I had in me. How much I wanted to hurt someone/something. To be quite honest...it scared the shit out of me. I know I'm not a violent person but... I don't know. But I finally discovered what people mean they say their eyes go blurry with fury. I think there's something in me that's eating away at the old me, the happy me... What I wouldn't do to go back just a year, to when I was still fairly happy.

[MadManWithaBox]

We all see that, believe me I know, far too well. I've seen sides to myself that I didn't know, or want to exist, but they do, and we have to deal with them, and those little problems, as they come up. Take it from me, don't try to deal with everything at once, you'll collapse. One thing at a time.