I wish i was dead.

[1_21Guns]

Cant really say ive been feeling much of the past two or three weeks. Been pretty much numb to it all. Ive lost almost everything. Probably gonna lose the rest of it. My best friend, gone. Shes changed. Or maybe i just never knew her. But once again, just like years ago the whole fall out is all my fault. When its actually not all mine, its hers too. Its like half of me has gone. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore. I havent been out in like 3 weeks, its like murder. I tried asking if anyone wanted to go out, but nobody seems to want to know. Guess ill have to get used to being alone again. I pushed everyone away, and i know i did. Big mistake. Suddenly its 3:49am and i cant sleep. Too much time to think. Too much time to remember. Too much time to imagine the worst. 4 more days of school, then off for summer. Seeing as me and best friend have fallen out, its more like 4 days of hell. But i guess ill press on through as per usual. I know id never kill myself. Guess thats why i wish i was dead. This time last year i was cutting regularly and when i went to bed id wish i wouldnt wake up in the morning. Well here i am again. Wishing when i fall asleep i wont wake up. Only thing i havent done yet is relapsed.
Dont want to live, dont want to die. Someone make sense of something. Someone make sense of my existance, because im too tired to try anymore. Im just a mess covered by a mask. Tricked everyone for more than long enough. Too long. I wish i had the wall i used to hide behind so well. Or i wish i could remember how to hide behind it. Im slipping. Its nearly summer for crying out loud, people usually feel better now. Yet im falling back into my lowest points. I hate this. I hate what ive become. I hate who i am, and i hqte what ive done. Ill admit i'd forgotten what it felt like to feel this way, the loneliness, the switching between total numbness to a complete breakdown. Bit like the one i had in school on friday really. Strange how much the past can push us over the edge. I wish i could just say bye and disapear without a trace. I bet quite a few people would be glad to see the back of me. How id love to go over those words on my feet, because every word was true. But no. Yet again i cant. Next weekend i have to go out with my family, frankly thats something of a potentially fatal poke closer to the edge. Im not sure if its worse knowing no matter how close you get to the edge, youll never actually fall, just live in fear. But who even cares anymore.
Insomnia sucks, and i cba anymore.
Sorry for the essay if you just sat and read it, its mostly incoherant ramble with no direct point to reply to.

[Iron Man]

I am sorry, Natalie. I understand what it is like to lose friendships. But, there is always a bright side. You aren`t going to stop meeting new people, so you really haven`t lost anything at all. As for the summer thing, I felt kinda crappy when summer started, because I sorta stopped seeing friends. You are a great person, with wonderful qualities. Don`t let anyone or anything change it.

[steve1234]

Natalie, i'm not really good at advice.

Im sure people have said this before, but the future can change, no matter how bad things may be now. I know its hard to think that your life may change, but it can. Thats what I keep trying to say to myself anyway.

Like you, I also struggle to get to sleep. So many worries. Last night, I went to bed at 10pm, but didn't get to sleep until 4am, so many worries. Thats the worst its ever been for me.

Natalie, just stay strong, you seem like a brilliant person. It would be such a shame for you to take your life, especially as you are so helpful on VT.

[Scarface]

Nat, I'm so glad you haven't relapsed. I'm so glad you have made a great effort not to. You know it doesn't help so I'm glad you didn't do that. I know what it means to have that numbness, and to feel all alone. Isolating and curling up in a ball somewhere in a corner. Crying wishing that you would die. Never wake up and never look back. As for your friend, as you may have been very close to him/her, sometimes after a falling out, you learn a lesson. Even though it might most likely wouldn't have been your fault it just goes to show that some people never show their true colors until the shit hits the fan.

When I think about the friends of my past, and some of the falling outs I remember what went wrong and for the next people I meet I improve. I don't let one person be my life. I don't let them take over my entire life existence. Causing a cling. Don't ever think that you don't have a purpose, as everyone does. You have a future to look forward to where you can do anything that you want with your life. Don't let this friend ruin your entire summer which is supposed to be full of happiness and freedom until the fall.. Maybe there are some activities you can get involved with. Maybe you like art. Join an art club so you get a chance to talk with some new people that have a similar interest as you. So it's not so awkward meeting them without a single thing in common yet. Just don't isolate as that will make you sink father down into depression and you really don't want to be that way for a time of year that is supposed to be enjoyed.

I hope everything gets better Nat, you know I'm always here when you need help.

~Ron