Full of HATE

[celine93]

Recently I've been seeing my councillor about the cutting, its getting bad. Worse than ever before. I'm not just cutting anymore, I'm burning and fasting for days and days until I'm sick. I think of cutting every minute of everyday! I cant stop thinking about it. Every opportunity i get, i find myself in college toilets trying to stop the bleeding, sat at bus shelters at god knows what time at night, slicing away. I even carry the blades around with me, otherwise i freak out! The worst part is, I hate it. I hate it so much, it doesnt even feeling nice anymore. I hate that i cant stop thinking about it, i hate that when i do it, i dont feel better anymore, i just hate myself and hurt. I have never felt like this about it and its now freaking me out that i've finally told my councillor and a close teacher and now they know it's like they're gonna be watching me.
This sounds insane, but i feel now that i cant stop because the deeper the cuts, the longer i go without eating the prouder they'll be of me. Like i need to impress them with it. And i cant bare the thought of going the entire summer holiday knowing that i cant come into college and scream with my teacher and cry with her and tell her how i feel. It annoys me that i literally dont feel strong enough to stop. I feel like i dont even want to do it anymore, but i dont have a choice, it just keeps coming over me so often i simply HAVE to do it. I dont even know what the consequences of me not doing it are. they are too big and scary to think about.

I feel soooooooooooooo screwed up. I have no idea whats going on, and i'm scared. I dont wanna end up in the hospital or the psych ward, and i feel thats the next step. I just wanna be free from this!!!!!

Please help me!!!!

Kate x

[Scarface]

First of all never think that it's something that you did. This is an addiction and now you're at the point where cutting isn't doing it anymore. Like you have built up a tolerance for it. I know the feeling where you have the absolute need to do it where it becomes a routine. Where it becomes just another part of your day. It doesn't have to be. The next time you visit your counselor tell her honestly that you're feeling worse. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.

When you feel like this is how it's going to be forever. Like you can't stop. The cuts get deeper and deeper just to regain that first feeling. Like the very first cut. Be straight forward with your counselor. If you feel that this counselor isn't helping any longer than you need to find another one, because going through this day after day has to end.

The first thing you need to do is keep your mind occupied. Maybe you could keep a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings and a day by day. It keeps your hands busy as well as your mind. You could also stay out of the house more maybe go shopping and go out with some friends, just anything to keep your mind occupied. With all of those thoughts festering while you spend time with yourself can make you go insane. Trust me I have been there.

As far as the eating goes. Try to eat small meals a day. If that means maybe having an apple and a bottle of water, then so be it, but never starve yourself to that point. It makes you disoriented and sick.

If there is anything I can do to help I'm always here, VM me anytime. I hope that you find the help that you need. Remember you're not alone.

[Sith Lord 13]

Kate, I want you to listen to me. You are NOT screwed up. The fact that you want to stop shows that you're not. And the fact that you don't think you can stop. That's not just you. That is the demon that is SH. It begins to be the focus of your life. But you will be able to stop one day.

What made you want to SH in the first place? Starting by examining that question may be the first step towards solving your problem.

[celine93]

Thanks guys. I just... i feel like i had a massive plan on what i wanted in my life.
A good education, a great job, a big family. I just wanted to be normal. And i cant feel that anymore. I cant feel that picture coming to life. I just feel like I'm a wasted cause. Like this is never going to end. I feel things i dont think i can ever not feel. They are such a massive part of me now.

I just hate myself.

Goose- i try to get out of the house, but my current situation at home doesnt let me. I want to do things to stop myself thinking about ot 24 hours a day, but it just feels like all the signs are telling me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing because i'm wrong, and i dont matter.

I honsetly am not saying any of this for attention, that is just how i truely feel. I feel trapped, in every aspect of my life, and I'm too weak to stop it.

I just dont want to feel like this anymore. And the thing that scares me the most is that I'm going to feel like this when I'm 20, and 30, and 40, and its never going to go away, so that perfect 'normal' image of life i see will always be tainted.

I feel hopeless. But thank you for your suggestions, it's nice to know you care.

Kate x

[Scarface]

Thanks guys. I just... i feel like i had a massive plan on what i wanted in my life.
A good education, a great job, a big family. I just wanted to be normal. And i cant feel that anymore. I cant feel that picture coming to life. I just feel like I'm a wasted cause. Like this is never going to end. I feel things i dont think i can ever not feel. They are such a massive part of me now.

I just hate myself.

Goose- i try to get out of the house, but my current situation at home doesnt let me. I want to do things to stop myself thinking about ot 24 hours a day, but it just feels like all the signs are telling me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing because i'm wrong, and i dont matter.

I honsetly am not saying any of this for attention, that is just how i truely feel. I feel trapped, in every aspect of my life, and I'm too weak to stop it.

I just dont want to feel like this anymore. And the thing that scares me the most is that I'm going to feel like this when I'm 20, and 30, and 40, and its never going to go away, so that perfect 'normal' image of life i see will always be tainted.

I feel hopeless. But thank you for your suggestions, it's nice to know you care.

Kate x

I know this is how you truly feel because I was in the same exact spot that you are right now. Remember this isn't how you have to feel for the rest of your life. This is not the end of all. I know what it feels like to hate yourself. Looking in the mirror felt like I was staring in the eyes of someone that was already dead. Hopeless. A nobody. Believe me it just takes a helping hand. The right one. To help you get back on your feet.

Every time I hear that phrase "normal" I want to ask what makes you think anyone is normal? Who gets to be labeled that? No one has a perfect life, some just have it easier than others. Just some people like us for instance have a problem such as this, but nothing is ever impossible. You can change. You have made the right step by coming here. I really hope that the next time you see this counselor that you really tell her/him what's really going on. Never feel ashamed to ask for help as everyone at one point needs it.

You can have that happy life. You can have that family. You can have those kids. You just have to make sure that you quit cutting. If there is no way for you to leave the house all the time then as I said in the first post. Start a journal. Doesn't have to be anything special, just write down your thoughts and feelings. It will keep you busy. Just keep your mind off of it no matter how bad and tempting it's going to be. First things first, you have to stop carrying those blades around. Just get rid of them.

If you need help I'm always here. VM me anytime. You can do this, I believe in you.

[celine93]

That is exactly how i feel. I cant even bare to see myself. I'm so empty. The worst thing is i can remember before i SH and i was alive, and even though i wasnt always happy i remember feeling. And now its just empty.

Normal to me is just someone who fits in. Someone who fits the stereotype. I once had dreams of becoming something far more important and extravagent than stereotypes, but just to feel human would be a start.

I want to be able to say these things to my councillor, but ive only seen her 3/4 times and its difficult enough as it is for me to talk about whats going on. I had to get my teacher to come with me to tell her about the SH because i was terrifed, and even now, she doesnt know the half of it. I just dont want her to look me in the eyes and talk to me about it. It makes me feel sick. I shiver when i hear her say SELF HARM! i've never even said it before i told her.

I just dont want to feel like this anymore. I dont necessarily want to die... I just dont want to be me anymore. I cant stand anything about me. I just want to be someone else. I look around and i see so many people; they're happy and they seem normal. they have their bad days I'm sure, but i just feel like anything they've been though i can overcome so easily because they seem so carefree, they cant have any real problems.

Its selfish of me to think like that, but i'm just so done with this. I just feel like all i'm living for is to eventually die. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to not have a point to my life, and never feel happy again. I hate everyone and everything, and i dont want to anymore. I dont have the energy any more.

The journal sounds like a good technique. of course i'll be afraid someone might find it, but its the best thing i've heard so farm and its been mentioned a lot on the other posts. Its something i'll try.

I've got to do something. i feel like i'm becoming invisible. Like i'm not really herre anymore.

Kate x

[Scarface]

I promise you, if you come clean to your counselor and honestly tell her what you're doing. Then she can properly help you. I remember when I saw my counselor and I personally thought she was full of shit when she told me that I could be happy again. Be joyful, finally be able to have a life beyond me isolating and misery.

Helping Hand (http://www.virtualteen.org/topics/teens/experiences/helping-hand/) If you don't believe me, this is the way I was. I know exactly how you're feeling right now. Please read my story. I'm always here to help. Please don't give up. Please don't give in. I believe in you.

[celine93]

That article has made me cry. I'm so happy for you, and so glad that you no longer feel like this.
And I hear what you're saying, and I really hate to be the pessimistic one, but I can't see anything being able to change.
I want it to, so badly, but there's only so much pain and hurt a person can take before they become numb and fearful and weak.
Its all so overwhelming. I can't believe I'm in this situation. I can't believe I feel like this.

I'm sat here now, on the sofa in my livingroom with my stepdad and everyones happy, and I have to smile, all the while inside I'm screaming, I'm writing on here and reading things that are making me wanna shoot myself, and it all just feels so wrong.
I feel like SH is a dirty little secret that's starting to take over, like a drug addiction or smth. Sooner or later people are gonna find out. How can I pretend to smile to them then?
I hate them all, I feel it in my stomach as I type it.
I don't want anything to do with anything.
I just want to run away!

I know I need to lose the blades, but right now its too much for me to do. Right now the fact that they're there is enough to stop me from panicking.
Kate x

[Scarface]

The Feeling (http://www.virtualteen.org/topics/teens/experiences/the-feeling/) Show you the way (http://www.virtualteen.org/topics/teens/experiences/show-you-the-way/)

Again I can relate to you so well. The pure hatred for everything and everyone. The need to want to just be alone. To isolate. To just stay out of the way of everyone so that way I didn't spread what I used to call the "Disease" that I thought I had to anyone else. The one person I hated most was myself.

The hopeless feeling that one one can save me. No one can help me get past this. I thought if I just hid away forever then everyone would leave me alone, with my cuts, to die a slow and painful death. To wallow in my misery alone. That's all I wanted. That doesn't have to be you no matter how much you have convinced yourself that you can't. Deep down you can. I know how overwhelming it is with everything happening at once and then reaching out for help and feeling like you're falling into an endless pit. Falling and falling, but never seeming to end. I know.

The only thing that's stopping you right now is the ambition to want to quit bad enough to rid the temptation. I can't just say it will go away right this moment because then i would be lying. It does take time, but please do yourself a favor and put them down. Make sure your parents never find out. Make sure you talk to your counselor. They're there to help you. Like I said, if you feel that the counselor that you currently have couldn't give a shit or you don't feel comfortable then there is always another one.

Don't let this addiction rule your life anymore. You can put this down. If I can go through what I have and stop then so can you. I believe you can. Act as if it were impossible to fail. I'm always here for support. You just have to make that first step.

[celine93]

Your threads are so helpful. I just wish something would make me better without me having to spill my guts, because I think this would make things worse before they gort better.
In your thread The Feeling its like you just wrote down my childhood before me. I know I'm still suffering the effects of my father psychologically and so I've blocked him out. As I know most of my problems lie in my past with my dad I know it means opening up about it and that scares me.

I don't know. Your words are so powerful and they speak such truth, ecause you've done it and you've overcome it, but no matter how much I long for it and try to think positive I'm hopeless.
I just wish I was invisible so I could walk with my cuts freely and no one would see or question and I could just be left alone.

You say not to let my parents see... But in other threads I've read about people saying its a step forward if I told them. In your opinion do you think I should keep this to myself?
Thank you for all of your advice. You have no idea how deep it touches me to know that not only have you felt like this but you have overcome it and beaten it and it gives me hope.
Kate x

[Scarface]

Your parents should only find out if it is to the point where you have a sit down with them after you talk to your counselor. I just want to tell you that even though it may seem like it's helping you to bottle up everything and push it aside and to forget about it, right now is the most crucial. I strongly suggest that you tell your counselor everything. You see how I am right now? I got there because I came clean. I said to myself, "I'm sick and tired of EVERYTHING THIS ENDS NOW" so when I talked to my counselor everything slowly got so much better. I started gaining confidence, I started feeling better about myself every time I went to see her.

Those threads are from my real life experiences and I share them with people such as yourself to let you know that you're not alone. This road you're going down is so identical to mine. I really hope that you talk to your counselor to get turned around. If you really want to stop cutting. For all of this misery, for all of this weight to be lifted off your shoulders. Just tell your counselor. Talk to them because that's what they are there for.

I'm glad that I could be of help. I'm always here.

[Sith Lord 13]

I just wish something would make me better without me having to spill my guts, because I think this would make things worse before they gort better.

Unfortunately, that's what usually has to happen. You need to dig through your past and confront your demons before you can ever really move on. Trust me, I know how hard that is. If I could figure out a way to move past problems without dealing with them, I'd be a very happy man. Unfortunately, you just have to slog through them. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but you'll have support right here at VT to get you through the tough road ahead of you.