ArseNIC
July 10th, 2010, 10:29 AM
First off I would like to say that after reading a few posts, it's really awesome that there's a forum like this one with all these warm hearts, helpfulness and support and I hope that I can also get some much needed help here.
Ok, so for the last few years I have had a persisting problem that I thought I could bottle up and settle on my own terms. Biggest mistake of my life. Anyway, I have only recently decided to seek help as things are spinning out of control and I just can't handle it anymore as it's eating me up from the inside. This will be the first time I will ever share this and it's a bit complicated so please bear with me. Believe me or not, I don't really care but if you do and can give me some advice I'd really appreciate it. Honestly I don't know if I would believe it myself if someone else told me this story but I need to get this off my chest.
Here goes,
I fell in love with a girl that played in the same orchestra as me and being shy, I never could get myself to asking her out but we did start to flirt eventually and after some time we did start to go out. After a few days I had such a vivid, real life dream about her dying in a car accident that I started to cry and had to be sedated to calm me down. I never told her or anyone else about my dream and at that time I thought it was ridiculous and discarded the thought of it ever happening.
After a month of dating, we broke up and went our different ways but we were still friends afterwards.
About a year later I came home from school and my mom asked me if I knew this girl and after saying yes, she told me that she's dead. Killed in a car accident. At that moment my dreams came back and from then on I bottled everything up. So badly that at her funeral I didn't shed a single tear. Now, whenever I'd think about her, my heart would ache and I'd weep with no control over my feelings.
This whole thing turned into an obsession of sorts and I managed to get a photo of the accident from a friend who served in the police and was at the scene and a report of what happened, all of it was exactly as I saw it happening. I can still see her face whenever I close my eyes, in fact I find it hard not to think about her. I struggle to sleep and have had bad dreams constantly.
That night of her death, she phoned me and asked if I would come over for a while, I made up a stupid excuse and lied to her. I despise myself for lying to her, I should have been there. I should have gone with them and recollect what was happening and stopped it. Was it my fault because I didn't talk about it? I feel so guilty after everything that happened between us. I miss her so badly, every single day. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore.
Like I said before believe me or don't believe me, I don't care as I just want to get this off my chest so badly
Ok, so for the last few years I have had a persisting problem that I thought I could bottle up and settle on my own terms. Biggest mistake of my life. Anyway, I have only recently decided to seek help as things are spinning out of control and I just can't handle it anymore as it's eating me up from the inside. This will be the first time I will ever share this and it's a bit complicated so please bear with me. Believe me or not, I don't really care but if you do and can give me some advice I'd really appreciate it. Honestly I don't know if I would believe it myself if someone else told me this story but I need to get this off my chest.
Here goes,
I fell in love with a girl that played in the same orchestra as me and being shy, I never could get myself to asking her out but we did start to flirt eventually and after some time we did start to go out. After a few days I had such a vivid, real life dream about her dying in a car accident that I started to cry and had to be sedated to calm me down. I never told her or anyone else about my dream and at that time I thought it was ridiculous and discarded the thought of it ever happening.
After a month of dating, we broke up and went our different ways but we were still friends afterwards.
About a year later I came home from school and my mom asked me if I knew this girl and after saying yes, she told me that she's dead. Killed in a car accident. At that moment my dreams came back and from then on I bottled everything up. So badly that at her funeral I didn't shed a single tear. Now, whenever I'd think about her, my heart would ache and I'd weep with no control over my feelings.
This whole thing turned into an obsession of sorts and I managed to get a photo of the accident from a friend who served in the police and was at the scene and a report of what happened, all of it was exactly as I saw it happening. I can still see her face whenever I close my eyes, in fact I find it hard not to think about her. I struggle to sleep and have had bad dreams constantly.
That night of her death, she phoned me and asked if I would come over for a while, I made up a stupid excuse and lied to her. I despise myself for lying to her, I should have been there. I should have gone with them and recollect what was happening and stopped it. Was it my fault because I didn't talk about it? I feel so guilty after everything that happened between us. I miss her so badly, every single day. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore.
Like I said before believe me or don't believe me, I don't care as I just want to get this off my chest so badly