LoveMe_HateMe
July 9th, 2010, 08:18 PM
This is gonna be quite a random post. And I'm sorry I've not been posting as much recently, I've just not had a lot of time to come online with one thing and another.
I've finally found a (temporary) job which is good cause i'll be getting about £130 a week. BUT my mum'll be my boss and she can be quite bossy/short tempered... I don't know how to describe it but she always comes home after a stressful day all tired and stressed out so I'm guessing I'll end up doing more SH...I know it's not good and I'll try and not do it but yeah, that aside...
When I'm with my boyfriend, we can be quite rough (in the good/playful way, not the serious/beating up way) like i had/have quite a few scratch marks down my back but anyway...apparently my back looked quite bad and he was slightly worried about it, but the thing was, i couldn't even feel it...i wanted him to do deeper scratches..like breaking the skin deeper, but I didn't dare tell him that incase he 1)thought it weird 2)somehow found out about my SH.
The other day we got talking and he said what if I went into the road and you were with me and there was a car coming...what would you do? Would you die with me or run? Well it was something along those lines... I'm not sure if he was joking or not but I just laughed and said I don't know. What I really wanted to say was that "Yes I would die along with you, you're the only reason I'm still here, you're the reason I carry on." but like the coward I am, I didn't dare say it outloud.
I've started to really not care what he does. Yesterday, he was meant to come round mine but he never did for one reason or another and last week that really pissed me off...with the whole telling me he was going to do something and not doing it and with not texting me all day. Yesterday I didn't care...and for once I'm not just saying that...i actually really did not care. I'm giving up caring and putting 110% effort in when he doesn't seem to be putting even 100% in. Dont get me wrong I do love him but i'm kinda giving up.
I don't understand people who ask whether or not they should SH... Of course you shouldn't do it. And you will get some harsh comments from people as for many people its a never ending circle. I wish someone would've been there to tell me not to do it in the first place. I remember when I first did it...I can't remember why I wanted to do it but I remember hearing things about cutting, saying that it helped people numb their emotional pain and made them feel happier and I thought I'd try it and see if it worked. And hell did it work :/ just wish I had never tried it.
Oh and to the people hu tlk lyk dis or equvialent...can you please talk properly...it can get quite difficult to read your posts.
I'm not sure I should read through people's posts that they post on here...they sometimes bring me down and make my urges worse...but then when i think that I just feel selfish and just carry on reading through them to try and help other people. It's always others before myself with me. I always feel guilty, selfish when I think about myself first. When people buy me stuff...that's one reason why i don't let boyf buy me anything :/
Still have no friends, still not talking to the people i considered by best friends. Started hanging out with just lads...Boyfriend., his brother and their mates to be exact..generally watching them play bloody World Of Warcraft and for someone who's never played it i think I actually know quite a lot about it :')
And on top of that...i over think things and i'll sit for hours...usualy when i try and get to sleep and just think about random pointless stuff that will no doubt never happen and it's usually the bad, depressing stuff.
Meh. I don't even know why I'm posting this. And sorry for the major rant halfway through aswell. Oh and if you've managed to read al of this and not gotten bored or gone to the next thread..well done! I know its a worthless/pointless thread (kinda like me) which is just like every other thread that have already been replied to...
I've finally found a (temporary) job which is good cause i'll be getting about £130 a week. BUT my mum'll be my boss and she can be quite bossy/short tempered... I don't know how to describe it but she always comes home after a stressful day all tired and stressed out so I'm guessing I'll end up doing more SH...I know it's not good and I'll try and not do it but yeah, that aside...
When I'm with my boyfriend, we can be quite rough (in the good/playful way, not the serious/beating up way) like i had/have quite a few scratch marks down my back but anyway...apparently my back looked quite bad and he was slightly worried about it, but the thing was, i couldn't even feel it...i wanted him to do deeper scratches..like breaking the skin deeper, but I didn't dare tell him that incase he 1)thought it weird 2)somehow found out about my SH.
The other day we got talking and he said what if I went into the road and you were with me and there was a car coming...what would you do? Would you die with me or run? Well it was something along those lines... I'm not sure if he was joking or not but I just laughed and said I don't know. What I really wanted to say was that "Yes I would die along with you, you're the only reason I'm still here, you're the reason I carry on." but like the coward I am, I didn't dare say it outloud.
I've started to really not care what he does. Yesterday, he was meant to come round mine but he never did for one reason or another and last week that really pissed me off...with the whole telling me he was going to do something and not doing it and with not texting me all day. Yesterday I didn't care...and for once I'm not just saying that...i actually really did not care. I'm giving up caring and putting 110% effort in when he doesn't seem to be putting even 100% in. Dont get me wrong I do love him but i'm kinda giving up.
I don't understand people who ask whether or not they should SH... Of course you shouldn't do it. And you will get some harsh comments from people as for many people its a never ending circle. I wish someone would've been there to tell me not to do it in the first place. I remember when I first did it...I can't remember why I wanted to do it but I remember hearing things about cutting, saying that it helped people numb their emotional pain and made them feel happier and I thought I'd try it and see if it worked. And hell did it work :/ just wish I had never tried it.
Oh and to the people hu tlk lyk dis or equvialent...can you please talk properly...it can get quite difficult to read your posts.
I'm not sure I should read through people's posts that they post on here...they sometimes bring me down and make my urges worse...but then when i think that I just feel selfish and just carry on reading through them to try and help other people. It's always others before myself with me. I always feel guilty, selfish when I think about myself first. When people buy me stuff...that's one reason why i don't let boyf buy me anything :/
Still have no friends, still not talking to the people i considered by best friends. Started hanging out with just lads...Boyfriend., his brother and their mates to be exact..generally watching them play bloody World Of Warcraft and for someone who's never played it i think I actually know quite a lot about it :')
And on top of that...i over think things and i'll sit for hours...usualy when i try and get to sleep and just think about random pointless stuff that will no doubt never happen and it's usually the bad, depressing stuff.
Meh. I don't even know why I'm posting this. And sorry for the major rant halfway through aswell. Oh and if you've managed to read al of this and not gotten bored or gone to the next thread..well done! I know its a worthless/pointless thread (kinda like me) which is just like every other thread that have already been replied to...