differentduck
July 9th, 2010, 12:30 AM
I have had a lot of time to think lately, and this has proved to be bad.
You see, I live on a lake in a very small community. There are kids here, yes, but none my age. There was one, he was a year older than me, but he punched me then threatened to kill me. I almost went to an adult, but instead I bottled it up. He ended up moving like 8 hours away, so that was good. However, the thought is still with me. Yeah, he moved. I have to take the bus to school in a town about 30 kilometers from my little town. His stop was after mine, cause I live like 2 minutes before the actual townsite. So he knows where I live. I am well aware of the fact he most likely wouldn't have carried out with a murder, but who likes being threatened to be killed?
Everyone has those days where they do want to die. Those days seem to come more and more frequent now, but I just remember how lucky I am to live on a beautiful lake, and I swim everyday in the summer (weather permitting of course), toob lots and I have been trying to ski lately. So I push the bad thoughts to the back of my mind. Sooner or later though, they come back. Night time seems to be when they come back. Like now.
Sorry, I really don't know where I am going. I'm just writing as things come to my mind.
6 years ago, my Father had a stroke. It was a very severe one according to the doctors, and he is lucky to be alive. His right arm is paralyzed, he has trouble walking, and can barely talk. You kinda learn after a while what he means, and he usually calls me by our dog's name. My Mother is the primary caretaker, and I do my best to help her. He has to go to the stroke rehabilitation centre every 3-5 months to see doctors, and get therapeutic botox injections since the doctors seem to think these injections are going to make him move his arm and limbs more easily. Lately my Mom has been getting really stressed. I try to help her, she gets mad. She won't ask for help, and it seems like she is looking for excuses to complain about her life. My Dad hates people now, so it's hard to get together with friends. Most of them are from school, and they all live in the previously said town 30 km away. My mom can't drive me to see them, I am too young to drive, and she has to be here all the time to take care of my father. My friends can't come here, my Dad doesn't like it. Forget hanging out with girls, if they do happen to come here my Dad bugs me. If I wanna hang out with any, whenever I get home if I do happen to be able to hang out with school friends, he gets mad for not being at home. He asks who it is (from me deciphering what he is trying to say) and yeah.
Girls?
I do like one. Like A LOT. And I told her. She thought it was super cute, and we are best friends now. But it's the summer so we can't really hang out. I was too chicken to ask her out, anyways, my Dad would get mad. My mom would tease me and it would get all awkward. Now she has a boyfriend. And it hurts. But such is life. Then it combines with my Dad being so sick. And angry all the time. I know it's not his fault. And for some stupid reason, I blame it on myself. I know it's not but i can't stop saying it to myself.
And stupid teenage problems. "Bacne"? It's dumb. Now I am embarrased to take my shirt off. And lots of people bugging me, "Have a girlfriend yet?" I don't, and I haven't ever had one. I am too nervous. Then I tell them no, and they are all "Don't go gay on us.." It hurts. Combined with everything else.
I think about stuff like that, and more but I don't want to type anymore. Sorry it's so long, but I hope someone reads it and I can get this off my chest.
You see, I live on a lake in a very small community. There are kids here, yes, but none my age. There was one, he was a year older than me, but he punched me then threatened to kill me. I almost went to an adult, but instead I bottled it up. He ended up moving like 8 hours away, so that was good. However, the thought is still with me. Yeah, he moved. I have to take the bus to school in a town about 30 kilometers from my little town. His stop was after mine, cause I live like 2 minutes before the actual townsite. So he knows where I live. I am well aware of the fact he most likely wouldn't have carried out with a murder, but who likes being threatened to be killed?
Everyone has those days where they do want to die. Those days seem to come more and more frequent now, but I just remember how lucky I am to live on a beautiful lake, and I swim everyday in the summer (weather permitting of course), toob lots and I have been trying to ski lately. So I push the bad thoughts to the back of my mind. Sooner or later though, they come back. Night time seems to be when they come back. Like now.
Sorry, I really don't know where I am going. I'm just writing as things come to my mind.
6 years ago, my Father had a stroke. It was a very severe one according to the doctors, and he is lucky to be alive. His right arm is paralyzed, he has trouble walking, and can barely talk. You kinda learn after a while what he means, and he usually calls me by our dog's name. My Mother is the primary caretaker, and I do my best to help her. He has to go to the stroke rehabilitation centre every 3-5 months to see doctors, and get therapeutic botox injections since the doctors seem to think these injections are going to make him move his arm and limbs more easily. Lately my Mom has been getting really stressed. I try to help her, she gets mad. She won't ask for help, and it seems like she is looking for excuses to complain about her life. My Dad hates people now, so it's hard to get together with friends. Most of them are from school, and they all live in the previously said town 30 km away. My mom can't drive me to see them, I am too young to drive, and she has to be here all the time to take care of my father. My friends can't come here, my Dad doesn't like it. Forget hanging out with girls, if they do happen to come here my Dad bugs me. If I wanna hang out with any, whenever I get home if I do happen to be able to hang out with school friends, he gets mad for not being at home. He asks who it is (from me deciphering what he is trying to say) and yeah.
Girls?
I do like one. Like A LOT. And I told her. She thought it was super cute, and we are best friends now. But it's the summer so we can't really hang out. I was too chicken to ask her out, anyways, my Dad would get mad. My mom would tease me and it would get all awkward. Now she has a boyfriend. And it hurts. But such is life. Then it combines with my Dad being so sick. And angry all the time. I know it's not his fault. And for some stupid reason, I blame it on myself. I know it's not but i can't stop saying it to myself.
And stupid teenage problems. "Bacne"? It's dumb. Now I am embarrased to take my shirt off. And lots of people bugging me, "Have a girlfriend yet?" I don't, and I haven't ever had one. I am too nervous. Then I tell them no, and they are all "Don't go gay on us.." It hurts. Combined with everything else.
I think about stuff like that, and more but I don't want to type anymore. Sorry it's so long, but I hope someone reads it and I can get this off my chest.