backstageorbust
July 7th, 2010, 11:38 PM
I have one of the greatest friends on this earth. She doesn't judge me a bit. I can tell her everything and she can tell me everything. I never want to lose her. I support her in all her dreams because she has the potential to be a great musician. She's just so great, I love her to death and purgatory and hell and heaven and to the grave and back!
But sometimes, she irritates me so fucking much it's not even funny. She's anorexic. Well, almost. She doesn't starve herself only because her parents force her to eat, but they aren't aware of her eating disorder. (I know, anorexia without the starving part... Wtf?) But I know for a FACT that she'd starve herself if she could though. Somedays she'll eat a little more than she usually eats, which isn't much in the first place, and then say "tomorrow iI just won't eat as much." She can't tell anyone anything so she tells it all to me. I hatehatehate how I ask her what she's eaten that day and it'll be so little and then I get pissed off, and I shouldn't because I asked in the first place.
She's already underweight too. Always has been. She's 6'.5" and around 135, and she wants to be 130. That's a BMI of 17.4. A healthy-but-borderline BMI is 18.5. In all honesty, she is SO thin and SO beautiful that she makes me feel so fat in comparison, but she thinks that I'M thinner than her. I don't regard myself as chunky or fat but curvy, and I have no fucking idea on this Earth why she believes that she's a whale. She says there's so much fat on her hips and thighs and stomach. I don't see her often at all but she sends me pictures. She's not. At. All. Believe me. :P She has the measurements of a model. 34, 24.5, 34-5. She said she SHOULD lose 10-15 pounds but she only wants to lose 5. What on fucking earth makes her think that being 125 is a good weight/healthy!? She just thinks she's so fat and I hate that. It just drives me UP THE FUCKING WALL.
AND ACROSS THE FUCKING CEILING.
AND DOWN THE OTHER FUCKING WALL.
...
AND THEN BACK UP THE FUCKING WALL.
Seriously!
For a whole day, she'll eat maybe 500 calories and she says that's a lot. Before swim meets she won't eat because she's already eaten "so much" and she'll get shaky and i just want to slap her and yell "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING EATEN." Jakjehrtlahteryaiheriuahetiejorykjhaoeiraetath.
Her anorexia is basically all we talk about. I hate it. I always find us talking about that and barely anything else. I barely remember when we talked about OTHER things. Like music, clothes, our futures. NOT her "fat."
And I know she can't help any of this but I can't fix her. No matter what I do, I can't, so only she can. She doesn't even want to go to therapy because her parents are concerned for her, not for eating disorder but for her other issues. :P Therapy would be good for her. Great, even. I can't do anything and that kills me inside. This has been going on for so long, I thought it was just a phase because she tends to go through those, like she does with bands. But no. And I knew this would happen to. That she'll lose weight and keep going and say "just a little more, just a little more." And she didn't believe me.
I hate how I get so pissed off and upset with her, it makes me want to cry. Like, I'm sitting here almost crying. I don't understand how someone so beautiful can think she's so hideous. I just don't.
Sometimes, I would like to stop talking to her altogether and tell her "Do what you want, just leave me the fuck out of it because I'm sick and tired of it." But I know I can't do that. She needs me just as much as I need her and I don't need her cutting either. :help:
But sometimes, she irritates me so fucking much it's not even funny. She's anorexic. Well, almost. She doesn't starve herself only because her parents force her to eat, but they aren't aware of her eating disorder. (I know, anorexia without the starving part... Wtf?) But I know for a FACT that she'd starve herself if she could though. Somedays she'll eat a little more than she usually eats, which isn't much in the first place, and then say "tomorrow iI just won't eat as much." She can't tell anyone anything so she tells it all to me. I hatehatehate how I ask her what she's eaten that day and it'll be so little and then I get pissed off, and I shouldn't because I asked in the first place.
She's already underweight too. Always has been. She's 6'.5" and around 135, and she wants to be 130. That's a BMI of 17.4. A healthy-but-borderline BMI is 18.5. In all honesty, she is SO thin and SO beautiful that she makes me feel so fat in comparison, but she thinks that I'M thinner than her. I don't regard myself as chunky or fat but curvy, and I have no fucking idea on this Earth why she believes that she's a whale. She says there's so much fat on her hips and thighs and stomach. I don't see her often at all but she sends me pictures. She's not. At. All. Believe me. :P She has the measurements of a model. 34, 24.5, 34-5. She said she SHOULD lose 10-15 pounds but she only wants to lose 5. What on fucking earth makes her think that being 125 is a good weight/healthy!? She just thinks she's so fat and I hate that. It just drives me UP THE FUCKING WALL.
AND ACROSS THE FUCKING CEILING.
AND DOWN THE OTHER FUCKING WALL.
...
AND THEN BACK UP THE FUCKING WALL.
Seriously!
For a whole day, she'll eat maybe 500 calories and she says that's a lot. Before swim meets she won't eat because she's already eaten "so much" and she'll get shaky and i just want to slap her and yell "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING EATEN." Jakjehrtlahteryaiheriuahetiejorykjhaoeiraetath.
Her anorexia is basically all we talk about. I hate it. I always find us talking about that and barely anything else. I barely remember when we talked about OTHER things. Like music, clothes, our futures. NOT her "fat."
And I know she can't help any of this but I can't fix her. No matter what I do, I can't, so only she can. She doesn't even want to go to therapy because her parents are concerned for her, not for eating disorder but for her other issues. :P Therapy would be good for her. Great, even. I can't do anything and that kills me inside. This has been going on for so long, I thought it was just a phase because she tends to go through those, like she does with bands. But no. And I knew this would happen to. That she'll lose weight and keep going and say "just a little more, just a little more." And she didn't believe me.
I hate how I get so pissed off and upset with her, it makes me want to cry. Like, I'm sitting here almost crying. I don't understand how someone so beautiful can think she's so hideous. I just don't.
Sometimes, I would like to stop talking to her altogether and tell her "Do what you want, just leave me the fuck out of it because I'm sick and tired of it." But I know I can't do that. She needs me just as much as I need her and I don't need her cutting either. :help: