confused17
July 6th, 2010, 05:25 AM
Hi all.
This is the first post I have ever made on a forum about this subject and i've looked at many forums but i have found no specific answers or help regarding my case, and it is driving me insane.
First, let me get some basic information out there about myself:
I'm a guy.
I'm close to becoming 17yrs old.
I am registered as a catholic, but i'm really not religious nor have i been for years, since many christian religions completely discriminate against anything bi/gay related.
I feel as if i want to handle this without including religious help. I don't want to go to a church and pray for help and forgiveness. It may be a good way, but in the end, it's not what i want to rely on when determining some decisions in life, such as sexual orientation.
Let me start in the beginning, when my sexual orientation was originally questioned.
Growing up through elementary school, i considered myself completely normal, almost always talking to girls, and having great fun with them, as i was pretty popular in my original public school due to the fact that i was completely open and true to who i was as a person, and i wouldn't attempt to act upon peer pressure or change how i was. I loved that person, and for many years i wanted that person back. Ironically, what impacted me originally happened before most of my elementary school years. Between the age of 6-8 i believe, my cousin, also a guy, being a couple years older and having access to sexual information, had a basic outline of what sex was. He then proceeded to ask me to have sex with him. I'm not trying to incriminate him, and i'm not trying to say that it's his fault and i'm not trying to spice the story up at all. But i truly had no knowledge of sex at this age and i didn't even know sex had to happen to have kids, or basically it existing period. Anyways, he enticed me to have sex with him at a very young age saying things about it that made it sound like a very fun and attractive idea. He would say that "everyone does it," that it was "really fun" and there was "nothing wrong about it." So i decided to go ahead and say yes. I can still vaguely remember basically how it started and how it felt. Honestly, any sex will feel good regardless of who you have sex with. So i really grew more open and enjoyed sex, and continued to even almost badger him to continue having sex. I really enjoyed it to the point that i wanted to research it. After a little snooping around at that age, i found out what adultery was. I was raised with a heavily catholic influence from my dad, who is strictly against anything about sex before marriage and especially against homosexuality. I immediately cut it off with my cousin around age 8 or 9, fearing i would die soon and go to hell, or be completely destroyed emotionally by my dad. I felt so guilty and cried to the point where this joyful kid with all A's and a perfect life and a popular status at school was completely hopeless. the guilt ate at me for a long time, until i told my dad. At the time, he wasn't mad and he was glad that i had told him. And i felt great about telling him, and so I decided that everything was good.
Let's fastforward about 4 or 5 years.
I now have thorough knowledge of sex and the different sexual orientations/labels.
I'm now at a private school after transferring from the public school due to the fact that i wasn't really learning much from the public school.
I grew to become very insecure, and began realizing that what happened 4-5 years ago made me start feeling attraction towards guys throughout middleschool. I was completely distraught and i began relying on myself. I still know to this day that i can harbor anything that i end up doing without feeling suicidal. But i still retained a constant state of depression and insecurity around people due the the fact that i was becoming increasingly attracted to guys, and girls eventually taking a backseat.
After various periods of intense physical attraction to guys and many periods of self loathing and depression, and a few periods of cold turkey where i would attempt to stop thinking about guys and stop masturbating to them, I still to this day experience quite a high level of emotional strain when it comes to
sexuality.
I now am no longer involved with sports like i once was, and i am now heavily into emotional music and i now play instruments and i'm very much obsessed with a few things such as Twilight, music from various artists especially Imogen heap, and gaming (WoW). i keep to my small group of friends as i approach my junior year of highschool and i feel more wise than many of my friends when it comes to emotional problems of any sort due to the fact that i have been in a constant struggle of sexuality and retaining my sanity for almost 8-9 years now. I try to help everyone and be a friend to anyone in need. So my personality is much less extroverted, and much more introverted.
I contibute my initial attraction to guys to my cousin having sex with me at a young age. I solidly know however that i would really only go physical with a guy. I couldn't have an emotional relationship with a guy, such as marriage and other things. I have one guy friend, my best friend, that i have a huge emotional connection with, but obviously in a friendly manner, nothing sexual at all.
There are pro's and con's to having experienced sex as such a young age.
pros are:
I REALLY enjoy most of what i have become. Other than my mildly strong preference to guys rather than girls, i'm very pleased with the fact that i am now much more open to everything, much more accepting of other people and their preferences and opinions, and much more understanding of other's problems and emotional needs and i try to help them with anything that i can offer.
cons are:
I don't want to be this way. I know i can't change who I truly am, but at the same time, i wasn't originally attracted to guys at all, until i engaged sexually with a guy at a young age, and haven't had any sexual experiences with a girl ever other than making out a few times with past girlfriends(which was truly a nice experience that i REALLY enjoyed)
My real problem is this: I am just worried that i am becoming something based off of what i was exposed to at a young age. In this case, i'm becoming much more sexually attracted to guys than girls. And i do not want this because i know in the long term, i couldn't literally be with a guy, due to the fact that i couldn't emotionally connect in that way without feeling overly guilty and awkward. I feel much more emotionally connected to girls, with little physical attraction. And at the same time i feel much more physically attracted to guys, but not emotionally at all.
If i was gay from the beginning, i wouldn't be posting on this forum, due to the fact that i know that i can't change what i am. But i do feel that i am continuing to dig myself deeper and deeper into a pit that i can't get out of. I don't have a sturdy rope to grab hold of. I desperately search my mind for a rope, a relief to this unwanted lifestyle, but i can't drop my initial feeling towards guys at the moment. I am finally asking others, instead of me relying on myself. This is the first time i've ever asked for help, so please, if you can, can you give me any suggestions to help me out here... It's really making life unreasonably and increasingly miserable to carry such a burden. I know for a fact i don't want to be this way, and anytime i feel sexually attracted to a guy, i act upon it, with little resistance. then the guilt comes flowing in, really clouding my sanity and thinking. Please, if you can, try to help me with this. I would really appreciate any suggestions or help. Thank you in advance, and sorry for the HUGE post, but i feel that i somewhat accurately addressed my situation. :cool:
This is the first post I have ever made on a forum about this subject and i've looked at many forums but i have found no specific answers or help regarding my case, and it is driving me insane.
First, let me get some basic information out there about myself:
I'm a guy.
I'm close to becoming 17yrs old.
I am registered as a catholic, but i'm really not religious nor have i been for years, since many christian religions completely discriminate against anything bi/gay related.
I feel as if i want to handle this without including religious help. I don't want to go to a church and pray for help and forgiveness. It may be a good way, but in the end, it's not what i want to rely on when determining some decisions in life, such as sexual orientation.
Let me start in the beginning, when my sexual orientation was originally questioned.
Growing up through elementary school, i considered myself completely normal, almost always talking to girls, and having great fun with them, as i was pretty popular in my original public school due to the fact that i was completely open and true to who i was as a person, and i wouldn't attempt to act upon peer pressure or change how i was. I loved that person, and for many years i wanted that person back. Ironically, what impacted me originally happened before most of my elementary school years. Between the age of 6-8 i believe, my cousin, also a guy, being a couple years older and having access to sexual information, had a basic outline of what sex was. He then proceeded to ask me to have sex with him. I'm not trying to incriminate him, and i'm not trying to say that it's his fault and i'm not trying to spice the story up at all. But i truly had no knowledge of sex at this age and i didn't even know sex had to happen to have kids, or basically it existing period. Anyways, he enticed me to have sex with him at a very young age saying things about it that made it sound like a very fun and attractive idea. He would say that "everyone does it," that it was "really fun" and there was "nothing wrong about it." So i decided to go ahead and say yes. I can still vaguely remember basically how it started and how it felt. Honestly, any sex will feel good regardless of who you have sex with. So i really grew more open and enjoyed sex, and continued to even almost badger him to continue having sex. I really enjoyed it to the point that i wanted to research it. After a little snooping around at that age, i found out what adultery was. I was raised with a heavily catholic influence from my dad, who is strictly against anything about sex before marriage and especially against homosexuality. I immediately cut it off with my cousin around age 8 or 9, fearing i would die soon and go to hell, or be completely destroyed emotionally by my dad. I felt so guilty and cried to the point where this joyful kid with all A's and a perfect life and a popular status at school was completely hopeless. the guilt ate at me for a long time, until i told my dad. At the time, he wasn't mad and he was glad that i had told him. And i felt great about telling him, and so I decided that everything was good.
Let's fastforward about 4 or 5 years.
I now have thorough knowledge of sex and the different sexual orientations/labels.
I'm now at a private school after transferring from the public school due to the fact that i wasn't really learning much from the public school.
I grew to become very insecure, and began realizing that what happened 4-5 years ago made me start feeling attraction towards guys throughout middleschool. I was completely distraught and i began relying on myself. I still know to this day that i can harbor anything that i end up doing without feeling suicidal. But i still retained a constant state of depression and insecurity around people due the the fact that i was becoming increasingly attracted to guys, and girls eventually taking a backseat.
After various periods of intense physical attraction to guys and many periods of self loathing and depression, and a few periods of cold turkey where i would attempt to stop thinking about guys and stop masturbating to them, I still to this day experience quite a high level of emotional strain when it comes to
sexuality.
I now am no longer involved with sports like i once was, and i am now heavily into emotional music and i now play instruments and i'm very much obsessed with a few things such as Twilight, music from various artists especially Imogen heap, and gaming (WoW). i keep to my small group of friends as i approach my junior year of highschool and i feel more wise than many of my friends when it comes to emotional problems of any sort due to the fact that i have been in a constant struggle of sexuality and retaining my sanity for almost 8-9 years now. I try to help everyone and be a friend to anyone in need. So my personality is much less extroverted, and much more introverted.
I contibute my initial attraction to guys to my cousin having sex with me at a young age. I solidly know however that i would really only go physical with a guy. I couldn't have an emotional relationship with a guy, such as marriage and other things. I have one guy friend, my best friend, that i have a huge emotional connection with, but obviously in a friendly manner, nothing sexual at all.
There are pro's and con's to having experienced sex as such a young age.
pros are:
I REALLY enjoy most of what i have become. Other than my mildly strong preference to guys rather than girls, i'm very pleased with the fact that i am now much more open to everything, much more accepting of other people and their preferences and opinions, and much more understanding of other's problems and emotional needs and i try to help them with anything that i can offer.
cons are:
I don't want to be this way. I know i can't change who I truly am, but at the same time, i wasn't originally attracted to guys at all, until i engaged sexually with a guy at a young age, and haven't had any sexual experiences with a girl ever other than making out a few times with past girlfriends(which was truly a nice experience that i REALLY enjoyed)
My real problem is this: I am just worried that i am becoming something based off of what i was exposed to at a young age. In this case, i'm becoming much more sexually attracted to guys than girls. And i do not want this because i know in the long term, i couldn't literally be with a guy, due to the fact that i couldn't emotionally connect in that way without feeling overly guilty and awkward. I feel much more emotionally connected to girls, with little physical attraction. And at the same time i feel much more physically attracted to guys, but not emotionally at all.
If i was gay from the beginning, i wouldn't be posting on this forum, due to the fact that i know that i can't change what i am. But i do feel that i am continuing to dig myself deeper and deeper into a pit that i can't get out of. I don't have a sturdy rope to grab hold of. I desperately search my mind for a rope, a relief to this unwanted lifestyle, but i can't drop my initial feeling towards guys at the moment. I am finally asking others, instead of me relying on myself. This is the first time i've ever asked for help, so please, if you can, can you give me any suggestions to help me out here... It's really making life unreasonably and increasingly miserable to carry such a burden. I know for a fact i don't want to be this way, and anytime i feel sexually attracted to a guy, i act upon it, with little resistance. then the guilt comes flowing in, really clouding my sanity and thinking. Please, if you can, try to help me with this. I would really appreciate any suggestions or help. Thank you in advance, and sorry for the HUGE post, but i feel that i somewhat accurately addressed my situation. :cool: