new and needy

[celine93]

Hi, everyone, my name's kate,and I've just joined VT. Just having a look around at some of the posts made me feel so... Relieved! I thought I was the only person In the world who felt like this.
So, thought I'd give you all a bit of info and see if you guys think I'm beyond help, because that's how I honestly feel.

I'm 17 years old and have been self harming since I was 13. The first time I did it my mum saw, but has no idea that it continues to this day.
When I was growing up my father was an alcoholic and abused me and my younger brother, while my mum was at work, and I was the head of the household from the age of 6.
When I was 13 my mum and dad divorced and we've lived with my mum and her partner ever since. Although he won't admit it, he (who I'm going to call steve) is just as bad to us as my dad was.
We no longer have contact with our dad.
Recently I have had the fortune to have one of my teachers at college take an interest in trying to help me, and I felt I could trust her, and spoke openly, for the first time, about my problems.
However, she had informed me that if it went too far she would have to bring other people into it.
Last week she accidentily saw my wrists, and, having never really had to talk about them before, I just closed up and left. I have since spoken to her and she has told me that I don't have to talk about it with her, but she is obliged to tell other people.
She has also encouaged my seeing the college councillor but I'm really terrified of doing so, as I'm super shy and wouldn't be able to talk I don't think.
However, if it would help, I would consider it.
I was wondering if any one here had seen a councillor and if it had helped any?
I know cutting is wrong, but does it mean I'm crazy?
I feel intimidated by someone with such power knowing about it, and while I trust my teacher as a perfectly nice woman, she has the power to do something really drastic.
I'm feeling more shame than ever but just can't stop. Can someone help?

Thank you to anyone who can give any advice. :)

Kate x

[georgiamay]

hi kate, welcome to VT :)

when i first started cutting i saw a psychiatrist, which i thought really helped, but when he said i didn't need to see him anymore, i started spirraling back down again. i saw a coucillor at my school as well, but to be honest, she kind of helped to begin with, but then she went overboard and started pulling me out of the same lesson every week, and people started asking questions. that kinda made me hate her, so i stopped opening up, and hid away from her, so she stopped pulling me out because she thought there was nothing wrong. thats was a bid mistake, cause there was a lot wrong.

there was never anything specifically wrong with my life at that point, but i struggled with dealing with my past, and i kind of just felt like i had to cut. so dont worry, you're not alone :)

you're right, cutting is wrong, but it doesn't make you crazy. it just means you need help.

i think teachers have to get involved if they find out about self harm, so i'm pretty sure she will do something drastic, but don't feel intimidated by it, because she's just trying to help.

i understand how you feel, i've been struggling with it for coming up to 3 years, and stopped just over 2 weeks ago, but yeah, still struggling.

you can VM me if you ever need to talk about anything, i'm here for you :)
and so is everyone else on this forum, so don't be afraid to post on here whenever you feel like cutting or something like that.

take care xx

[celine93]

Hi, georgia, thanks so mu ch for replying,
I thought it would have been like other sites I've been on that don't ever reply.
I know this sounds terrible, but its really nice to know that others are going similar things. I don't mean that in a bad way.
I'm just relieved to know that there is another human being out there that has similar thoughts ands feelings to me.
I'm sorry to hear that a councillor didn't help you very much with your problems, and since college is closed now til sept. I have a while to think about what you've said.
Thank you, again for giving me some indication and guidance and making me feel so welcome.
Take care,
Kate x

[ILOVEMYGIRLAMY]

no girl, cutting does not make you crazy
everybody uses different coping methods to get along. and seeking a councellor will help you as i am currently seeing one fior the same issures. mabe u shud try and talk to your college councellor and see what happens ok
feel free to pm me if you need to talk

[celine93]

hey, McKenzie, thanks for your suggestions. It means a lot to know that people here are really, genuinely looking out for one another. I will think about the councillor side of things. I personally think it could be really useful, but I'm just really afraid. But thanks to everyone who has given me advice.
Its helping me clear my head a little.

Take care, Kate
x

[Kaius]

Don't worry, it doesn't make you crazy. As well as seeing a counsellor there are always people here you can talk to, me included if you feel you need to. Also, have you tried any substitutes for the cutting, for example the rubber band trick or using a red pen? - Aaron

[celine93]

I know it doesn't make me actually crazy, but I just feel so lost and like I've been thrown into the middle of a massive mess. :/
I haven't tried any substitutes, mainly because I'm stil trying to find out the reason why I cut. I'm still lost there, as far as my friends know there is no real explaination as to why I do it.
They reckon its attention seeking, but I HATE it when they assume that, and I hate it when they give those looks of pity, simply because they don't understand.
I'll think about the substitutes, but my real aim is to identify the reason begind my cutting, then I can come up with the best substitute.
Well, in theory that's how its gonna work.
Thanks for all your support guys, I never expected to feel this included here.
It means a lot.
Kayte x

[Mike321]

Hi Kate, welcome to VT
Sorry to hear about your past, must have been awfull for you.
Seeing a councillor, as you've probably gathered by now, will really help
Although I have never actually seen one a very close friend of mine did and she said its really worth doing if you need help.
I cut for four years, so I know how hard it is
And you have got a really good attitude to approaching this, finding out why you cut, then finding a solution to it.
I'm a really shy person too, but opening up to some will really help you, just be honest with them and they will have some good suggestions or tips you can try.
Good luck with everything and if you need to talk feel free to PM/VM me anytime

[celine93]

Hi, mike,
Thanks for the warm welcome. :) and the advice. My head has never been clearer than when I get responces from you all.
I must just announce that I am in the greatest mood ever, as, thanks to the people on this forum, I made an appointment to see my college councillor tomorrow at 11.45!
This will be my first experience of talking about any of my problems to anyone. And, I'm surprisiny not as terrified as I thought I would be.
And I think that's because of you guys, so thanks. :)
I'm sure it'll be a different thing all together when 11.45 comes, but for now, I'm quite eager to see what comes of this.
I'll VT and let you all know how it went.
I just can't believe wth connection I feel with you all. Its absurd, I know, but I've never spoken to anyone in even similar situations, its such a MASSIVE relief to know that I'm not the only one.
Thank you every one, and I wish you all the strenght to overcome your demons.
You're all in my prayers.
Take care,
Kate x

[Mike321]

No problem :)
Thats what we're all here for, there always other people like you
Well done for making the appoinment, thats a big step
Good luck for tomorrow, hope everything goes okay

[Cebb]

Hope it goes well tomorow!
Good luck ! :)

[celine93]

Hey everyone!

Man, my meeting with the councillor was okay. It was really weird at first and stuff, but I'm annoyed because I never told her about cutting, which is the whole reason why I went!
I actually went and had a masssssive talk with my tutor afterwards (who's the only person that knows) and it was strange but I really opened up to her. I still can't say the words 'self harm' or 'cut' but we just refer to it as 'the thing we don't talk about'
I am thinking of seeing the councillor again, but it won't be til after the 7 week holiday, which might be a little hard tto get through, but I'm proud that I went to see her and it felt really good to talk about this thing with my teacher.
Although, here's the thing... I have never shown anyone my cuts, and have never wanted to. They are my pain and it has never even crossed my mind to show them to anyone- in fact I'd do pretty much anything to prevent anyone from seeing them, but ever since I've found someone who knows I keep getting urges to show my arms to my teacher, in a proud manner, and I am the furthest thing away from proud when I look down at my arms.
Why am I suddenly wanting to do this? Its bizarre! Has anyone else really had to stop themselves from kinda flaunrting their cuts?
Its the weirdest thing!
Thanks for all your supposrt, guys.

Take care, all,
Kate x

[Mike321]

Glad your meeting went okay :)
And dont worry about not telling them yet, the main thing is you started getting help, the more you feel comfortable with them the more you will find you can tell them.
7 weeks is going to be along time, but you have all our support on here to get you through it.
And, correct me if i'm wrong, but maybe wanting to show people your cuts is a sign that you want to stop and you want the help
Glad it all went okay
PM/ VM me if you want to talk about anything

[celine93]

Hi, Mike,
Thanks. It really feels like I've taken a step forward even if its just in my mind, because 3 months ago I could never have done what I did today.
Yeah, I was thinking that, but I don't understand where this feeling of proudness is coming from. :/
Its replacing that feeling of total shame!
I hope this is a step forward though, and I really hope I can get in contact with the councillor should I feel the need to, over the holidays.
It just feels so weird to be getting so much support through this, so thank you all.

I'm here of anyone needs me,
Take care!
Kate zx

[Mike321]

You have taken a big step forward, it just takes time before you find someone you can really trust to show them the cuts.
Isn't it a better feeling though, you have someone to help you, inteasd of feeling ashamed?
And I would of thought you would be able to get in contact with your counicllor over the summer. Next time you see them, ask them to see if you can.
As before, PM me anytime

[crims0nbl00d]

Hey,

my name is Rebecca I have been cutting since I was 13, im 17 now also.

it doesnt make you crazy, you just need help

[Please dont advertise sites in posts- Cloud]

Email removed

[dizzydinosaur]

Yes councilling helps! They can often hel work out whay you self harm, and reasons further than what you think. Also, if you do go, don't give up if s/he doesn't tell you what you want to hear, coz you'll look back later and wish you'd listened.

I would say yes, go see your school counciller :)

[sarah newman]

hey Kate
welcome to VT, i hope it helps youu x
I am 14 and i started SH since i was 12, and i have quit for a month, but i think i will start doin it again...
anywayz, back to youu, i think councilling will help youu, my tutor was a big help to me but he's leaving my school now which has made me even more depressed, but he got me some prfessional help but i said no to it. twice.
which in a way was a stupid idea coz i new i needed help but i said no coz i wanted to continue x
hope u get proper help, and stop cutting
im always here 4 youu x