I've lost all hope

[starrburst]

Hi...So.I kinda lost count of the days i have not cut...it's something like 16...it sounds so few but it feels like it's been years...=[ My main problem is, I keep thinking..Why do i need to stop? When there's no reward at the end...the only good thing is no more scars. I want to cut...but...I don't know if i should...My parents took my scalpel(not sure how to spell that...)the minuite they saw suspicous scars =[ I have razor blades...I carry razor blades around with me...I can't not...I feel unsafe and not right without something sharp. Not because I want to harm others...because I want to harm myself...I want to kill myself. What's wrong with that? Joe did...She did...I hate myself...I aren't good at much...I find myself searching google for pictures of cuts and open wounds...I just seem to enjoy pain...And...I think i have been accidently self harming...whichsounds stupid...but I mean..I never used to get ingured...and now I have bruises and cuts all over...am i unaware of doing this to myself? I just want to die..life ain't worth it if you can't cut. And now i feel bad for even thinking about this...i feel guilty...i don't know what to do. Sory I'm just kind of venting here...It helps...=[

[georgiamay]

hun i know exactly how you feel, i feel that way all the time.

and just to let you know, its 17 days for you :)

anyways, i know there really isn't a reward at the end of it all, but if you do cut yourself, what if you go too deep, bleed out and die? i know you said you wanted to, but i can almost garuntee you that whatever it is that makes you feel like this is, its only temporary, and it can be changed. killing yourself is a permanent sollution to a temporary problem. Life is worth living without cutting. just think, its summer, and you have to cover up your cuts and scars so people don't get suspicious, how great would it be not to have to do that?!?

i know its hard, and i'm not gunnu lie, but it's gunnu be hard for a while. you just need to fight against the urges to do all these things, and come out on top.

the fact that you stopped, shows to me that you want to stop. you might think you want to do it, but thats the urges talking, you dont want it, otherwise you would have never stopped, if that makes sense :l

hun, you can PM me if you ever need to talk, i know how you feel xx

[starrburst]

Thanks...

I'm scared of what I'm going to do to myself...I'm insane...when i close my eyes i see blood and terror...i cant sleep...i get 6hours max. I usally get 3hours...DX

I should see someone...but i lied and i dont want to admit that...

[Mike321]

Well done for not cutting for 7 days, its really good And your right there is really no reward at the end of it, but like Georgia said even if you feel like it now, killing yourself is never the answer (I've thought about it countless times), it would effect more people than you think.
Your still young, we all go through bad times and have problems, and if you let them build up, it will put pressure on you and make you feel as though you want to cut more.
And your by no means insane, but I would agree that you need help.
Whether this be a close friend or go to your doctor and see if there is anyone they can refer you to for help, its really worth it.
The first stage of reovery is admiting it
PM me if you need to talk

[starrburst]

Im cutting tonight...I cant take it anymore...

I had to force myself to eat today...cause i have like no energy when i dont eat for a few days...and i cant take it...so i am going to cut again insted of that. I need to...because well, i just cant handle life...im so confused...

[Kaius]

Keep going, you have many people here supporting you, myself included in that. If you need to talk at any time feel free to pm me. You're not alone and i know you can keep going. You're stronger than that.

[starrburst]

Well, I gave in and cut...I'm addicted...I just can't stop...:'(