14 days and suicidal. Sorry

[smile]

Hey. I haven't self harmed for 2 weeks. Im going on holiday in a week and need to continue not self harming. I just dont know how long i can last. This seems impossible, it feels like i have gone a year not 14 days. Each day is a continuous struggle, i just want to give in. Each day i get closer and closer to self harming. Soon i will...

Ive always been suicidal and think about it most days. But over the last 2 weeks it has gotten worse and i have more suicidal thoughts. Its like bloody withdrawel symptoms! I keep planning how i can kill myself so i wont fail and frankly im scared. I dont know what to do anymore. Why is it so hard. It makes me so angry. I hate this.

Im sorry i think i may have posted something like this on here before, if i have im really sorry :(

I don't really know what i want from posting this, i dont know why i am. I think i have lost control. Sorry :(

[spy1]

no dont harm ur self now you are in improve just think about your self, friend, family, and people who loves you just dont do it and be a strong person.

[1_21Guns]

hun, you have a holiday in a week.
and i can swear to you, once your on holiday you probably won't even want to do it.
because you'll be free from it all.
stopping always is a struggle, nobody ever said it was easy.
but it's worth it in the end.
14 days is amazing.
and your strong enough to carry on hun.
i know you are.
PM me if you ever want to talk x

[smile]

Thankyou for your replies. I try and think about those who love me, it makes me feel guilty and ashamed because of how much i hurt them. Thanks. Thankyou Natalie, your right i probably wont, but its scary to think that i cant do it. here i dont want to do it but i can. I know its hard, i dont understand why it has to be so hard! Thankyou, im not sure i am...but thankyou. And thankyou again xx

[Aspiringanonymous]

Don't worry about posting - we are all here to listen, and sometimes engaging in dialogue is the best thing you can do for yourself. It helps to know that one is not alone in the tedious, at times seemingly hopeless struggle. Yes, seemingly, for nothing is ever truly hopeless. The future is yet an unknown, and although the possibility for worse exists, so does the possibility that you will prevail - focus on this.

I know how difficult, how frustrating it all is, but it does get easier with time, and as your external circumstances change, likewise the issues which contribute to these urges will become distant, and the urges themselves diminish. The resistance is a long journey, and one's strength will fluctuate along the way, but one thing is for certain - once you have passed through the most difficult, it starts to become much more of a 'not wanting to cut despite what the urges say, because I'm fully aware of its consequences and know better'.

You have already demonstrated awareness in your last post - of the destructive nature of self-harm in its unmasked form. Hold on to that, and use it to draw upon strength when necessary. It is a hard battle because the force you are fighting against is a terribly strong one - all the more reason to prevent it from taking control of your life and consciousness.

May you find strength to persevere. :hug3:

[smile]

Thankyou Maya, yeah it does help knowing that im not alone. I will try and focus on that, i mostly end up thinking about the worser things than the good things, but im trying. Yeah i guess eventually the urges will decrease, i find it hard to believe this but as many have said they will, like you said i dont think the yrges will ever go, i will just think better of giving into the urges. Thanks. Yes i will, im trying. Thankyou very much. :)

[Mike321]

14 days is really good, so well done
And like some of the other have said, once you are away on holiday you probably wont feel the need to cut.
You will be away from all the stress and things that make you want to cut.
Just keep thinking of the freedom at the end of it, when you do stop (its not an easy thing I know, I've been there 4 or 5 times myself)
You can do it

[smile]

Thankyou Mike :) its nice that people reply and so kind of care. And yeah i hope it will be okay when i go on holdiay :/ im scared that i will want to though. Thankyou x

[Mike321]

Thats okay, that what we're here for.
It did for me, as soon as I got away from everyday life, I found I could relax and didnt feel the need to cut.
Everyone is different I know, just keep fighting the urges, and when you come back knowing that you havent done it, you can be really pleased with yourself