Is anyone there?

[whodunit]

I have somewhere around 70 fresh cuts/scars on my leg. I do these things so i can feel the pain i feel i deserve. I dont know how else to put it. My life fell to shit and i lost it. I spent 3 or 4 years in relative solitude. Developed some terrible vices. 20 days sober on pharmaceuticals....i went from october 2007 until now numbing myself with the pills. At the same time I was cutting but i took a two year leave of absence from that, and now im back...so is anyone there?

[Fiction]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this post, but if you mean is anyone listening, understanding and caring about this the answer is yes. :)

[MadManWithaBox]

People are listening, if you want them to be.

[whodunit]

That is what I meant. I just am lost, it's getting worse and i dont know what to do to stop it. I don't know how else to cope. Some ideas or something like that would be appreciated. It's also nice to see that people actually pay attention.

[Lemonlover934]

People on VT are always willing to listen and try and help as best they can. Your not alone on here. x

[whodunit]

It shows, i have never had this much recognition. Haha. What do some of you do to get your mind off of it? I go through the days planning the next one, i don't know how to break the cycle. I quit drugs, this is different. A different urge. I can't use the same principles.

[Lemonlover934]

We are a caring bunch, and you should have had recognition. Distraction helps me, and rationalising why i want to, but i do still find it hard. just got to try and work through it, maybe talk to someone when you want to. x

[whodunit]

That makes sense, i just can't normally pinpoint a reason anymore. It's like it is forcing itself on me. I want to see it happen and in my eyes i deserve it. I'm told it is not true but i really don't know. I don't really want to see it happen, it is terrible for me, but i am sure you know what i mean.

[Lemonlover934]

Yes, i get that the pain and process does become an addiction, so it becomes the cycle and urge you must break. If you dont mind me asking what makes you think you deserve it? x

[whodunit]

Well it is personal but that is why i'm here. My parents divorced, i did nothing for years. Then i got addicted to pain killers. Then i introduced those to group of close friends. I overdosed got kicked out of school, moved across the country. Stupidly i introduced people here to them to. My old group of friends has problems with it now my current group of friends does and it all stems from me. That's the main reason there are plenty of small everyday reasons. I'm not allowed to speak with my best friend because his parents sent him to rehab for cannabis and they choose which of his friends are sober because only sober friends can talk to him. I am sober. Before he left they had a list of friends he wasnt allowed to communicate with and i was already on there.

[Lemonlover934]

Aww, i am sorry to hear you have had such misfourtune.
I am glad to hear you are sober though.
But I don't think you should blame yourself, we do all make mistakes, severe or minor we must move past them.
I honestly believe nobody deserves to be reduced to self harm, x

[whodunit]

Thank you for your concern. I've just always had troubles letting go. I don't think i have ever let anything go. Emotionally I mean. But you are right. I am better than that. If only it was that easy....

[Lemonlover934]

I do know it's not easy, but maybe find someone to talk it through with,
letting go of emotional things it always hard and time never seems to work for me, but being open about it has helped me.
I am always here if you need to talk
and i do hope everything works out for you and you can get past this x