i know it isnt good to hide but i have too

[cheekybit]

this story is my hell and it is pretty messed up.
last year my friend dean startd to tlk about suicide,
in december 2009 he took his life after telling everyone he would, he wrote me a long goodbye letter and sent it the day he did it. for weeks i blamed myself for not stopping him, but it only got worse, his parents blamed me because he and i would argue all the time and say some really nasty shit. but we always said sorry. he told me it wasn't because of me he said he wasn't meant to be here and a load of other stuff. i went through a huge self hamr and suicidal stage after that and atempted to take me life several times (and failed thank god) but after my first atempt my friends did the same and two of them succeeded, i passed out and was hospitalised at the double funeral because i cldnt take it, i was so torn up. three friends gone in less then two months, i gound it hard to live tbh. i kept strong because i couldn't do anything to hurt anyone but really it hurt me more. i fell in and out of depression something aweful.
i have alot of friends and i didn't tell any of them that weren't involved. i didn't get out of school unless i was in hospital and i pretend everyday that nothing happened until i get home and cry. i cry because ed isn't there to hold me and make it ok. (ed is my bf, still alove thank god, he keeps me going strong). i stay strong because i have to help my friends. i dnt care much for myself but i know that hiding it isnt the best thing to do. i act as support for others at my school but i have never got support myself. i don't know what to do and i feel like shit every time i wake up, i find myself crying and wishing to never wake when i rest my head on the pillow. the amount of times i have called ed round to help me calm down is m
ental and three to four times a week i cry in his arms at night before i go to sleep. i can't put him through this anymore, he diudn't know my three friends but he feels horrid too. am i being unfair to him? each time i cry i see his eyes water and it makes me worse, i can tell he hates me feeling like this and i can tell it is affecting him too.

so basically,
what should i do?
how can i do it?
and am i being unfair to ed by putting him through this?

[Ghost_Hunter]

I think you should try to stop blaming your self as hard as that may seem. Think about it this way: Your friends that died wouldn't want you to feel this way. Try to forgive yourself as a way of honoring their memory.
Also I don't think you're being unfair to your boyfriend. IF my girlfriend was gonig through what you are then I'd want her to talk to me about it as much as she needed rather than keep it bottled up inside.
I hope I was some help.

[Ryhanna]

Thats a truly tragic and awful story, my condolences.

I think you're handling everything well. Just try to stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault, you couldn't have stopped it happening. Think as positivley as possible... as hard as it is now, it WILL get better.

Good luck, and it you need to talk to me then feel free.

[Asilentsuicide]

taylin baby, please tell me you ain't gonna try and take your life, after me n tear moved we lost contact and i am sorry about that babe. i can't believe dean took his life babe. have you told tear? she will be torn up as much as i am. baby who were the other two. i can't believe it, babe, call me, you have my mobile number right? i gave it too you before i moved, please tell me you are ok, who else has gone? o babe i wish i could be there for you right now. love you and tammy says she is there on the phone if you need her

[Filipe]

It wasn't your fault.. If you knew it was for real you would've topped him...
Really... Don't blame yourself.. You have a life in front of you... He would've wanted you to enjoy your life instead of feeling sorry for his... Make something great out of yourself, So he'll be remembered forever...
eg. Write a book inspired on your experience

Hope I was helpful...

If you ever need anyone, I'm here :)

[cheekybit]

lex i haven't been able to get hold of tear, :'( god i miss them, the other two were coby n jack.lex i need you and tammy so much right now, im getting better but it hurts too much x thank you alll for the advice it has been helpful :) xx

[Koby]

Sorry this happened to you. I know you may want to take your time but the best way to avoid a similar incident is to move on, of course don't just completely ignore it, memorialize them some way and remember if you can. But don't go do it yourself or just stop caring about life and sit there slowly dying.

[TheSnowCat]

It's really hard when something like that happens. What you need to remember is.... what happened to your friends was NOT your fault. I believe that everyone is responsible for what they do. I know it's really hard, but you've got to try & move on. It is okay to cry. It sounds to me like you really need to talk to someone about all this. If you're feeling that bad.... I think it would be a really good idea if you went to some type of therepy to help you deal with all the death & loss you've had to deal with.

I wish you the very best of luck!

[the jeffrey]

Its not your fault.you coudnt do anything about it and stop blaming yourself its not your fault

[1_21Guns]

it's easy to blame yourself when things like this happen, but it's vital you realise it's not your fault, no matter what his parents say, they're just looking for someone to blame because they don't want to accept the real reason for it.
your greatful you didn't die, which shows something.
time is the only thing that ever really heals these things.
your boyfriend clearly really cares about you.
and i do the same thing as you, shut my own feelings away to help everyone else, then when your own feelings come back on you it hurts 20x more.
would your friend really want you to be like this? i'm sure he'd want you to keep going, staying strong. and you can do it hun.
PM me if you ever want to talk (: